TD asked me not to put his up, but here *I* am in all my Glory!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J659hiXiUbM

Feast your eyes, Bear ......... WISH ...............................................

I used to despise myself. For years i felt like the only thing i was capable of was screwing up. I also think it has alot to do with being abused growing up.

Its interesting to think about this because i have gotten better over the years. I think antidepressants helped clear my head enough to really take a look at myself from a slightl more objective point of view.

I've come to genuinely believe theses things: i don't know as much as i thought i did ten years ago. I am not who my abuser said i am. I can change ONLY myself not others. I accept people for who they are and if i don't like them, i don't deal with them. Emotions are useful but i always have to take a step back and evaluate what my emotions say and what my common sense and logic say.

Brandy, and liza, I hear exactly what you are saying. It's very helpful to be able to separate the emotions out, and see them for what they are. Common sense and logic are my best friends, these days; I keep them close.

By rights, I should have been consumed by the horrors of self-hatred, years ago. But I STILL have people who try it on with me, who push my buttons, try to lord stuff over me---and it immediately launches my strongest inner defences. So maybe that's what's kept me upright and semi-clear. PLUS, they have become comical figures to me. Sad, way worse off than me, and pathetic---because they attempt cruelty on someone who can almost see right through them. Rather a waste of energy on their part.

I could always make those distinctions, except for a very short time (thankfully) just before I was diagnosed.

Perhaps this toughness comes from a lifetime of shaking my head, and carrying on anyway.

Now---if you ask me, do I like my body, the way it is, now? I'd have to answer with a big, loud NO!!! But I can make the separation between it, and me. It did get to me, awhile ago---but not anymore.

I'm not sure how this is going to come out but I'll try to answer your questions.

I am a very negative person. There isn't much time spent in my mind thinking of positive things. I don't do it on purpose, the negative thoughts and words just seem to spew out of me. When I was growing up and on into my college years I was in athletics. My favorite sports were softball and basketball. I learned to hate basketball because of the way my last basketball coach treated me. You might say I buried myself in sports, being in softball, basketball, cross country, and track. When I felt I wasn't doing something right I worked harder and I only got worse. The more I saw myself failing I caused myself to fail more by my negative thoughts.

all while growing up I was teased and picked on for things that I still don't understand to this day. I know children can be mean but these kids were down right cruel. They knew how to hurt me and they did it often. You might say I was nieve. I still am to a point even though I am 43. My nievity has caused me to lose the people that mean the most to me. I've been told I can change things. I don't see it.

On the positive side...I can play the flute and piccolo, learning the piccolo first. You don't find many flutists that have learned to play after learning the piccolo first. I also consider myself to be a good fast pitch softball pitcher and coach. I've written and published 2 different works, one a poem the other an essay. I feel that when my mood strikes I can be an awesome writer.

Even though I am a negative person on the inside, I can see the positives in most people and I try to do just that.

Bistro, I couldn't lad the movie on the iPad dammit. Was it you in that thong again???

Agree with lizeradley.

TD the more you say negative things about yourself the more you will believe it.

Oh and speaking of thongs? When I was heavy I used to say what a female comic I heard said once. "fat girls wearing thongs? Oh yeah. I can wear one. You might not be able to SEE it. But I can WEAR IT. " LMAO. ;-)

I like myself deep down inside but my marriage has made me feel not so. I like myself first of all because I have no choice otherwise, being that I'm stuck with myself, also because other people tell me I don't appreciate myself enough maybe they have a point idk enough people have said it

I like myself more since I decided to get a divorce and be happy again like I was, and yes it ain't easy

#35 - Now THAT is FUNNY!!!!!!!!

mom1969 - I got that too (bullies in school) .... that stuff does NOTHING for self esteem ............... NOTHING but make it lower and lower and lower ..............

Oh yes.. the teasing in school... its funny how we still can focus on what those damn little pukes did to us... I came from pretty poor and the kids in the neighborhood played on that. I remember wearing a dress to school one day that my mother had got from good will and a girl said "Hey thats my dress my mom sent to good will"... OMG... but atleast I had clothes on my back..

I loved all your answers and Bistro you always crack me up.. Im glad I am *UP* enough to enjoy a laugh... Hopefully this black hole is getting smaller... You guys were all brave in sharing.

My opinion is... I really do not know any of you in RL but from what I know here, You are all ready and willing to help pull someone out of the black hole, you know how to give a true compliment without thinking of yourself first.. You have talents that you dont rub in everybodies faces and you dont think your to good to help out someone who feels less then perfect...

You guys are all a bunch of wonderful human beings that the *normals* just dont have the time to be... I love all you nut cases and even some of my fellow fucktards..... I think its time for a bus ride.....

I go through times of self harping on my faults but mostly I'm alright with myself. I think I got to that point by getting good and alone with myself. A lot of hours alone with yourself force you to stare right at the bad with the good and not only that you have to amuse all sides of yourself whether you like it or not, there's no one else to distract yourself with. It takes a good long time but eventually you realize that it's really not so bad, the bad in you is no worse than the bad in anyone else. Hugs everybody!

well said pepper darling... well said..

You two are too funny! I have to watch the vid when I get home, Im at work...I can only immagine...LOL. I wonder if its the chris farley skit with chip n dales...hehe I hope so!

Glad I could make B and TD laugh..:-)

Hey I was bullied in school too. Just a question here. Does anyone think that the constant teasing by the "in crowd" does anything to promote this damn illness? I mean it would appear that we all have had self esteem issues as in it being low.

Funny for a long time I HATED those kids for what they did. And I hated myself for a long time. Still when I feel like someone doesn't like me it stings. And I will get a story going on in my head that may or MAY NOT be true about what I perceive someone is thinking about me. Example: I was supposed to meet some girls for dinner last night. Girls I worked with before but they moved to a diffierent department. I am now in a different department as well, but I had to work late. I texted them to go ahead and order and I would check back when I got off work. So I was just an hour late. I could've gone and had a beer anyway. But when I got off they didn't answer my phone calls or texts. When they did the girl said they were finished eating but she knew I had to work today..WTF? Immediately my mind went to "they must not want me to come" when in reality I don't know what she meant. She could (and probably WAS) just being sensitive to the fact that it would be a long drive home for me if I came that late and I DID have to work today and get up early..But the negative me wanted to think they just didn't want me to come. I had to consciously remind myself of the facts and that the negative feelings I was getting were due to a story I WAS CREATING in my mind. (this was a skill I learned in DBT thereapy - NOT to believe the story when all you have are a few facts and you are going off on what story you think it means - this you use to decrease your emotional arousal. I could have easily gotten really down on myself thinking I was not good enough etc....)

But like I said most of the time I like myself pretty much. And I am just trying to focus on the positive.

@ PeppersTeddy: A lot of hours alone with yourself can do LOTS of things.....:-) Or rather you can find lots of things to do alone with yourself?

Seriously you are right though. Agree totally.

Depressed,, well, IF you must be alone for many hours which I did while the kids were in school, at least it can be made into a learning experience.

Not sure about the childhood bullying thing but I had all older brothers, need I say more? I found as a teen and adult that the male and female view of this is very different but I got a perspective of both sides. I suppose that some people can view what they do as playful interaction? (what isn't out and out horrifying torture meant to harm is what I speak of) Men actually get along by merciless harrassment sometimes, women take it different. I CAN say for myself that my childhood endurance was built and a view from the victim of it gave me the ability to teach my kids there are two ways of seeing that light hearted banter and to keep it in mind.