hugs, y'all. What truly brave and amazing people we have, here.

Let's see, to answer the Q's:

I do like myself. I didn't when I was in the worst depths of untreated depression, but I do now. I have almost gotten back to 85 or 90% of what I used to feel like, regarding me, only with a much clearer picture of what's happened in my life, and how I should think about things.

I'm kind of a non-conformist an a very independent thinker anyway, and never gave too much thought to what others thought about me. Never worried, just never cared. Because I knew I was good and did my best by everybody, as much as possible.

I had an extremely icy mother, and lots of time to compare and contrast the family dynamic in my home---it was not abusive, far from it! But it was absolutely dysfunctional and demanding. I had two alcoholic parents who were perfectionists---try that on for size.

It's been a struggle and I don't want to make it sound like I think I'm better than anyone else, because this affliction has humbled me beyond imagination---and I was a pretty small individual to start with. Some days (and esp. nights) have been a true taste o'hell. My particular demon is going unloved, going without affection or validation. It does plague me, still.

I do believe in the power of ideas, though, and I know when I'm right AND when I'm wrong. So maybe people think I am uppity because if that, they confuse certainty with arrogance, I don't know.

My rather darkish sense of humor has kept me afloat many times.
So have reality checks.

I've sure had my share of humbling experiences since joining here, I can tell you---and I know perfectly well that I'm not done learning, not by a long shot.

Some days are hard, but people HERE have helped me through so many changes and so many brain revolutions that I am lost for words when I think about my gratitude to them. This does include several people, right here on this post... They've taught me there are two sides to every coin, many different 'ways' to see things, and they've taught me courage and honesty and openness, again, for the 3000th time in my life.

When I really tumble into the black hole, it's not so much myself that I hate, but circumstances which just never seem to let up---I guess I become horrified by the coldness of the universe, the hardness of life, in general. I grow weary of the struggle, while I see other NASTY people seem to glide through life. What the hell is THAT all about???

Many people in my experience have tried to take it out of me. (I just never set oyut to hurt anybody, ever; and never conceived of it being a real motive in other people's dealings with me. But it was, and how!) I have a sister who is STILL at it, and she's been going since the day she arrived home from the hospital. And now, we're in our fifties---so I remain careful about who I allow close to me, I will admit that. I refuse to be a victim.

My husband's patience has been a miraculous thing, but his coolness reminds me of my mother---and I do wonder whether it's true that we do gravitate towards that which is so familiar from childhood....

Anyway, I love you guys.

Thinking 'better' has been a ginormous help to me. Keeping our senses of humor & perspective is absolutely vital, I know this for sure.

When I am medicated and doing well I like myself...off meds and in that dark place...I am such a mean, hateful, spiteful person. I can hurt someone I love and not have a flicker of emotion about it. Literally say something to my mother or husband that totally breaks their heart or hurts them to the core and I feel nothing. It's like I just sit there looking at them and cannot fathom that I have done anything wrong.

Now, I try and make sure I am healthy and I am learning to like myself more and more. I am a work in progress, but at least I am progressing.

Okay, you want honesty and you deserve to have that. No, I can't say that I like myself all that much. I try, but it just doesn't seem to work. I know, we can't blame our childhood for what happens now, but I am. I have a lot of anger, depression, and sadness tied up to how I grew up. Would I change it if I could? IN A HEARTBEAT!!

I don't think there has been anytime in my life that I can say that I've liked myself. If I have to think about it I disgust myself, I'm not good enough for myself, I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I fail at everything.

I lost my dad and gram-pa around five years old, (to me they were unconditional love) school was hell (I wasn't used to being around other kids) my teen years were hell, I was fat and unpopular. When I married he was abusive, Now I'm stuck unemployed, with no prospects at all.

So to survive I pretend I'm ok I stuff away that self hate and try and live day to day to plow through and not let things bother me. I try to pretend that I'm good with myself because if anyone see's how I really feel they'll laugh, make fun of me and take advantage of me.

So here goes Beastie.

Most of the time I like myself. But like others when I get depressed or if I feel that someone ELSE thinks negatively about me then I go far down the rabbit hole believing it.

What is helping me now is this: I just graduated from 14 months of weekly DBT group therapy and see my psychiatrist/ therapist twice a month. At my GRADUATION I was amazed at what the group leaders and other members thought of me. The nice things that were said were more than I ever imagined. You see these people saw ALL of my darkness and secrets and demons. And how I used the skills from therapy to manage. I wish I had recorded what they said. But for me, what this did was tell me that THEY saw goodness and strength when I saw badness and weakness. They saw courage when I saw fear.

Now I am out of the hole. But my doc and I discussed my propensity to think negatively of myself. And he was very positive. So as I sit here I think to myself, I am strong, courageous, kind, and confident. And when I find myself sinking again, my doc said to remember. I will have down days. But I don't have to stay there and dwell. I will just take it for what it is and not beat myself up.

So in short, for the most part I feel good about myself and feel like I deserve a good life. And dammit I'm gonna hang on to that. Even when the darkness comes. I hope I can remember the good in me.

Bistro. What a story. I ALMOST cried. :-)

I USED to absolutely love myself, but after more then a few years of everything going down hill and nothing good ever happening, I might just be better off not around anymore. I am not going to off myself but if I died; I wouldn't be disappointed in the least. I used to have so much confidence but now I have been stuck in worthless; pointless jobs that do NOTHING for society, I have NO interaction with people all day long, all my friends have moved; the woman I love and I can't ever seem to get on the same page and ohh soooo much more. So right now, nope, I don't like myself. What could help me feel better? Having a job that helps others and being part of a team would be a great start.

Honest...hmm...lol kidding. At least honest answers are easy :D

Way back...didn't hate myself. I had my mom and enough friends so that my dad's reminders of how I was essentially a whoring, fucked up drug addict didn't quite "stick" like they might otherwise have.

Came out of that worse than some, better than some. Can't really bitch abotu it.

Did pretty good for years. Enough of mom and friend support to get me through.

Then I met a person who, through absolutely (I gotta make that point) NO fault of their own, dredged up all the stuff I thought I'd left behind and I began to feel stupid, second-guess everything I thought and said and did.

Around roughly that time all my issues just got the best of me and I ended up here, thoroughly hating every fiber of my being.

I still hate myself, many days. I have an idea, any type of idea, and I automatically think how stupid and wrong it is, and what a total moron I am for even thinking it up in the first place. Then I look at myself and hate what I see. Then I look at my life and hate myself even more for getting here.

But...dont' want to jinx anything...those days are getting fewer and farther between. For many combined reasons, a huge one of which is you lovely, dear people here, who helped me understand things that I thought meant I was going crazy(er).

So yeah. I can say that on most days (not all, but most) I can like the person who, here, is Summer. She's nuts, but hell, she's fun ;)

To be truthful, I don't like myself, roller coaster and all. I made bad decision, have to live in this hell of depression and chronic pain. I have another reason but I will leave that for another post. Life sucks sometimes, but I keep on fighting. I can't leave my house without someone with me and I still get nervous and can't wait to get home then. I have boxed myself in a corner and don't know how to come out. But, like they say, corner a coward and he will come out fighting. That is how I live my everyday. Sorry, I feel that black hole creeping up on me today. I hope it doesn't last. If it were not for this group, I don't know what I would do. I would not be here, that is for sure.

I like myself most of the time because i've always worked really hard at being a good person and i care a lot about people.

i sometimes dont like myself. i think its part of this stupid illness because there arent many really reasons. I Let people take advantage of me because i think they cant love me if i dont fulfil their every need.

aCceptance has helped me. Its ok to have limitations, its ok to fail. So long as i do my best, always follow my values and do right by myself and others its all i can do.

i think its the past that makes us hate ourselves. The bad things, that leave the scars. But in this moment, this single moment on this day. What is wrong with you? Why dont you deserve to be loved by you?

Do you like yourself and to what extent?

** Well I sort of do. I wish I wasnt so chunky, and I wish I had more money to do fun things. If I had to break it down...I guess Im a fat loser, who has no money. So I think Im funny, but thats about it. I cant even love somebody, though I have a GF. I just put a mask on every day.




For you that do not like yourself, why do you think the reasons are?

** I miss spend my money. I hate checking my account to see how much money I dont have. So since my latest encounter with my bank (Taking 260 dollars off my check making me sell my dvd's and scroung up change) Im now on the path to being broke and not use my credit card.

What has helped you to learn to like yourself more? How hard was it?

I learned to like myself more when Im productive. If I have a project and work hard to see the fruits of my labor...it makes me happy. I just wish I was doing what I love...but the problem is...I dont know what that is. It weird not knowing what you want to do...maybe I can just exist..like in slab city or something.

#13 - no you made me cry. You know I LUFF YOU LONG TIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#21 - You made me LAUGH!

Tyler - *I* think you're funny too man. Concentrate on your qualities. As far as not being able to love anyone, you show more love here than most people out there in the world (in my RL anyway). Keep being you. Money is just a means. I say get a job as a Chip N Dale's and you'll never have to work another day in your life (or need money)!! ;-) Maybe I'll get a thong on MY fat ass and join ya! ha ha

roflmfao... Chip and Dales????? I pretty much told him the same thing but my chip and dales was turning burgers at a fast food joint... But both of you could do that in your thongs... I want pictures though

do i like myself?
as a person yes i suppose. i wish i was more this and more that, but i cant really change who i actually am. but i suppose i think im okay. i dont think im the worst, or the best. just someone somewhere in the middle who tries to do good for people.

looks wise, im okay. ive learnt not to think about what i look like anymore, that way it cant get me down lol. so i just ignore it.

ive learnt sounds stupid but not to think about who i am much anymore, and keep myself more occupied otherwise it would just be a black hole of bad thoughts of 'i wish i was this that e.t.c' so i dont think i just.... do. thats the only thing that has helped me accept who i am. i might not think the best about myself, but i can accept who i am.

i used to hate myself like legit thought i was the worst person ever, but idk.... it was a looooong process but somehow i seemed to have just helped myself, but i cant put my finger on actually what i did.... its odd.

this probably doesnt make any sense haha.