Superficially, I'd say, Yes, I do like myself. Deep down, no I don't. I feel guilty for even being alive. I believe it's the human condition in general, but it's magnified X1000000 from all of the abuse I suffered growing up. I just can't get past the core beliefs that I'm worthless and bad.
Honest enough?

I think a lot of my problems are also from the abuse that I suffered growing up but in recent years I have tried to let go of that part of my life.. its not an easy task but something that really needs to do to move on... I wish I would have gotten more counseling when I was younger. I was always told my sisters boyfriend that I loved dearly, *no one can truly love you until you learn to love yourself*. He told me that my sister and I both had to much self-hatred.... what a freaking shame that people in your life that are suppose to love you can send you down such a miserable path.... And as much as I love my mother.... she is so much in denial that sometimes I want to scream..

I love you toddi and I think you are wonderful... always and for ever.. Thanks for the honesty... big hugs

Sometimes. Sometimes I like myself. But most days...no. I feel like I always miss the mark. I always fall short. That I am not a good enough mom, wife, daughter, friend. Sometimes I feel like my heart is bad. And there is no hope for me. But then I tell myself that even a so-so mother is better then not having one at all. So I guess I am better then nothing.

Ok that sounded really depressing. When I do like myself...it's the days that I am doing something for someone else. Not focusing on me. Making other people smile or laugh. Or when I take care of my family...clean the house, laundry, fix dinner. My work makes me feel good about myself. Because I am really good at what I do. I take care of a elderly couple. Have been for 13 years. They love me. I love them. So....is this what you wanted? Sorry....my mind is full of marshmellow cream these days.

Today, no. Today I actually hate where my life has brought me. I have many regrets, and all are decisions I fully made in my own selfish ways. I once did love who I was, but when I realized that the reason I loved myself was because I did not care if I hurt anyone to get what I wanted, I hated myself. And this just became apparent again last night. So right now I hate my life and wish there was a way to end this one and start a new one again. But as old as I am now, asking for this would mean ending my current life. And I know I can't come back if I do that. So now I suffer with my choices, now I just have to avoid everyone so I cannot hurt them.

AmyJane.. wow you sound so much like me that we could be twins except you are much younger.. I am a hell of a lot better parent then my parents could have ever thought to be and learned how to forgive myself for not giving my sons the time and attention that I should have when they were younger.... You can never go backwards but you always need to move forward and be the best you can be with what you have to deal with.... I am also so much happier when I can put a smile on someone elses face or make them feel better... Hell, I had strangers on street corners money that they probably go to a crack house with but hey, I can believe it bought them some lunch or a pair of shoes...

Same for you up2... We that struggle with depression or bi-polar have to work a lot harder then most.. Cherish what good times there are and dont be so hard on yourself.. You did not mean to hurt anyone else and you feel like shit about it.. Show you have a conscience which is more then a lot of the *Norms* I see out there..

No - I used to but now feel that whatever I do will be wrong. Even on good days the best I can hope for is to cause no damage. It seems I must have a distorted view of things because no matter how I may try to do the right thing it is always wrong. The person I was is gone.
God this sounds so self-pitying and weak !

No Leeigh... not weak... we have a horrible disease that strips us of our self- confidence and self-esteem... We are still here and trying to feel better... That makes you stronger then you even know.. But I know what you are saying.. Being truthful is not a weakness..... You have a big heart and care about others and you are genuine... you have a great purpose in life to pass on the joy that you do not find for yourself to others....You are an awesome person...

It is so strange that you mentioned "the norm", because that is one of the reasons I have fear in my life. I have seen what normal is and I do not feel that I can be "normal". rather, I am the needy that only takes and never gives back. Takes until there is no more and moves on. In this case, I have pushed away what I have been given in hopes to give back to the one I love. But in doing this, it is killing me on the inside. And with no one to talk to, it only hurts even more.

Thanks Beastie - can't see it myself though. x

up2nogood... you have plenty of people to talk to and that will give you great advice.. we cant fix you or the problem but we can surely understand and thats worth something..

Leeigh... the depression does not let us see it but know that the people here are the best to know how you feel and feel it theirselves... Baby steps sweetie... self affirmations..You keep telling yourself a little bit at a time or write down your good qualities, what a big heart you have and work on it daily, even when you are hating yourself or feel to fat or miserable... Think about these bastard Narsasstic bastards that think they are normal and could give a shit less about anyone but their selves..

We wear our hearts on our sleeves and give everything and anything to anyone so they will care about us or because it makes us feel good to help others..... Then you tell me that we are not great people that are deserving of love, respect and some peace in our lives... We are the most deserving people in this world... AGain my opinion...

You said "sack of nuts"!!!!! HAH!

I've not liked myself for most of my life. The thing spirals because the less one likes oneself, the less they like themselves ...... and so it goes.

I think mine started early too, abuse from parents who were trying to NOT "spoil" me ... so they made damn sure my spirit was pretty well beaten out of me.

So at some point as a kid I got fat and hated that, and my self image (if I had any) really took a dive. Then I got old enough to date girls, and really none were interested - not that you could blame them. So again, I liked myself less and less....

I was married for 10 years, and my wife left me ... right back to the spiral ...... it must be ME, right?????

To your second part question - someone came along who taught me how to LAUGH AT MYSELF ......... This was not easy because I was busy hating myself. Laughing at myself just made me feel Worse, because it shined all sorts of light on things I Hated about me. BUT ........... I started to see I'm not the ONLY ignorant, ugly, fat ass, nut job out in the world ...... so I even allowed myself to start laughing at Other People too! Some might find this rude .... I found it funny.

Suddenly I was Laughing. This helped. I got here and met a funny as hell bear, and a lady who reminds me every day (and all of us) how Beautiful and Wonderful we are. I also met someone in this group who has shown me that I may not be as horrible and "Wrong" as I Thought. (You won't see them here much anymore, but they've helped me a lot). All of you have.

Finally, that person who taught me to laugh at myself, also gave me a priceless gift. That gift is almost 4 years old now, and just says to me out of the blue "I love you Daddy" ................ just like That! It MELTS my Heart!!!!!!! It's really hard to hate me when that kid LOVES me, you know?

I still dislike a LOT ABOUT me ... but I am starting to not Hate ME quite so much.

Well said Bistro... You made me cry... but they are good tears... kinda sad but good tears because you have shown me many times that I am worth something... You have pulled me out of some of the biggest ruts that I thought I would never get out of....To me you are like a God... I worship the ground you walk on, always have.. *Ok OK.. that was quite sappy but it made me laugh while I was saying it*.. But I do love ya man and you have helped me to realize that I am good and deserve happiness.. Thank you for that my friend... ruv you rong tiee..

There are some things that I really can't stand about myself and often times feel inadequate in some way but when this happens I get so angry for feeling this way. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago....let alone 20 years. Many mistakes put me in a position that I dislike because I know the solution to a lot of my issues but they usually are not readily available to me. I say mistakes because I wasted my time thinking about what other people did to me rather than focusing on potential I really do have within myself . I guess I'm really angry I gave them that much power and my focus point was not bettering myself. I cannot really say what I feel about myself other than I know I'm a decent human being. I have seen love in so many forms but I have not gotten to the point where I feel or believe others will love me as I love myself.

Yes FINALLY I like myself at least a little. And my farting, fat , belching & nose picking self can be pretty damn unlikeable at times. After what seems like 50 gazillion years I finally realized that if others can love me WARTS AND ALL then I can at least like myself a little bit. Really ... it's that simple, and it took me forever to learn that. Pretty smart huh ???