This is a common problem. I would start with setting a timeline for him. Tell him he needs to find work by a certain time, and that he has to start paying $____ by such a date. Then stick to it. Also, I believe he needs consequences if he refuses to get a job, like maybe he needs to live somewhere else if he refuses. How old is he anyway? Any college education?

Since he got laid off then he is probably eligible to get checks for being unemployed, and then he can buy his own food and maybe even pay rent.

The concept of "tough love" was meant for parents to protect them selves from children who are doing dangerous things, like if they are doing drugs or a nasty drunk or a danger to the home.

To kick out an adult child because he can not find a job has nothing to do with "love" as that is just being cold mean.

A person can only try so hard to get a job, like many employers now are only available online so there is no work to it.

It is unjust to tell him to get a job when there is no job available, now if you know a place that is hiring then tell him to go to that place and get that job, because he can not create a job for himself as if it were magic to do.

Hi, and welcome to this group.

I like what Dr. Phil says about getting a job. If you don't have a job, you should be spending 9:00 to 5:00 out looking for a job. Very true.

It would be important to require him to get up early every day, get showered and dressed appropriately for work, then out the door with a list of places he has prepared that he will be going to today to fill out applications. Getting more than one job will help him stay busy and earn money to get his own place.

Hi mustang: You must act to help your son. Allowing him to languish at home is not productive to him and actually may soothe your conscience or guilt because you feel sorry for him for losing his prior job, but it does not help him get out in the world and get another job to gain independence and learn to handle all the things that happen in the world.

Thank you all for replies. Setting boundries is my plan. I have given him a list of job opportunties and he said he would apply...whether he did or not im not sure. This week i will take him to the local employment office. :)

Have a written work n exchange for rent contrct.
provide him w rent recite. with recite he can get food assistance. Ya I can just about hear his excuses n him acting like an ass while throwing a tamper tum. Regard his behavior, I could be wrong.
why should you take your money to buy him grocerys when he can feed himself by wat of state food assistance.
he paid state tax's... I view food assistance sorta like bank. we make deposits and get back small % of what we paid in.
There are also housing assistance and state housing assistance, theses are bases on person income.
the leafs are falling. buy him a rake n box of extry large water bags.
something is better than nothing and it can also be a stepping stone.
His excuses are what,lol.
as aren't we are to teach our babys to fly. we can temporary provide roof that they are to pay rent for. we can set time in which they are to get out. yes with charity r state housing he can get out n out of your mate pocket by way of you. I assume that u like your mate.
you can stand u for yourself and for your mate.

As parents, our primary job is to produce adults who are independent of us. We would never consider allowing a child to drink from a bottle forever, nor would we allow them to stay in diapers. Skipping school is not an option. And holding our hands forever while crossing the street is holding them back.
At some point, they have to learn to drive and do it on their own.

Each of these is a growth point. Allowing him to stay at home and not look for a job while you support him is like letting him skip school. It does nothing to push him toward the final steps toward independent adulthood.

Parents must do many difficult things and this is one of the most difficult. Sympathy is nice but we can't allow that sympathy to let us hold them back from becoming all they can be.

You do need to establish boundaries. Chores around the house should be traded for room and board. He must have at least a minimum wage job with a date for some consequence.
Your job is to motivate him to get out and pound the pavement. Finding work is hard NOT impossible. He just has to do what is necessary to get a job. Otherwise, as a parent you are allowing him to stagnate just before the final step of joining the ranks of full adulthood. So you have to do what is best for him to learn rather than take the easy route of just supporting him while he just misses that final step into independent adulthood.

Keep up the plans. You have some good ideas. Just remember that you love him far too much to allow him to stay stuck depending on others when he can be so much more. Push him as hard as you need to get him to find that job. Let him fly away and become all that he is meant to be for this world.

Trying to put hard controls onto your son will simply inflame the codependency in your self.

Just FYI.

You could try putting trust in your adult son that he will do his own business without your control, after all it has only been a few months.

Being unemployed is a happen-chance and it is not that he is doing anything illegal or destructive.

There really is nothing loving about being tough on other people, as the concept of "tough love" meant to be tough concerning our adult children using drugs.

Link = http://www.rehabinfo.net/interventions/tough-love-approach/

It was mean and cruel people who have changed the meaning of "tough love" into an excuse for unjustly trashing their family members.

Actually, I belonged to Tough Love, and they are a good group. They are not involved with helping addicted children and that is the job for rehab centers.

The Tough Love groups are comprised of parents trying to help their teenagers that are acting out and their families are in chaos. They help to set limits (which in this board we call boundaries). My experience was very good with them. It is a group often mistaken by people who really don't know anything about the group.

http://parentingteens.about.com/od/parentingtroubledteens/a/Understanding-How-Tough-Love-Helps.htm

As such the adult son is not a teenager, and he is not using drugs and he simply got laid off (not fired) from his job, so there is no reason to be "tough" to him.

Maybe you could try getting him to get onto Food Stamps (and get that unemployment compensation) and then give him time to find a job?

If you push him into some trashy low-life job just to satisfy Mom and Dad then you might ruin his life, instead of him patiently finding a decent job that is worth having.

Sorry Booky, I have to disagree with you here. My son is a teenager (18) and would rather sit around and play videogames all the time, when not in school, than work. The reality is that his father and I are divorcig, living apart, and money is tight. I don't have extra money to give him to go out with friends or put gas in his car. So, he finally had to get off his lazy ass and get a job. The first one lasted 2 months (my daughter found it for him where she works), and so he lazed around for another month. Car insurance was due and he didn't have any money, and he had no money to put gas in his car, so he had to borrow from his father. One time of that was enough to get him off his ass and he took it upon himself to apply for another job and got it. He makes great money bussing tables, works about 20-25 hours a week, and now has extra money to buy all the things he wants that I refuse to pay for. He needed a kick in the pants (actually a couple), and how he's seeing how good it is to be able to rely on himself. While being unemployed may not be a crime, it's rather a crime to mooch off your well-meaning parents while you laze around the house. It's not impossible to get a job, and even a low-wage job is better than no job. I believe it's been proven time and again that working boosts one's self-esteem. Many people during the depression did whatever they could to make money. Nothing was beneath them. Today's youth could certainly take a few lessons from them.

Okay, so you and I disagree, but your son is not the same son of the opening commenter, and not the same as my adult son either.

One size does not fit all.

If her son gets Food Stamps and Unemployment compensation then he could be helping Mom and Dad without taking some trashy low-life job.

I agree, but I think my son could become very much like her son, especially if he got laid off instead of quitting, like he did his first job. Absolutely he should be contributing in any way he can, but it makes more sense to me, and probably to the good taxpayers of this country, that he take a menial job, or three, instead of mooching off the government. It's no different than mooching off of mom and dad, and it just might be a miserable enough job that he would force himselt to look for better employment. Why get off the couch if you have mom and dad to take care of you? I stand by my original opinion. Any job is better than no job. It's a slippery slope if we allow them to loaf instead of work.

Can not you see that is "control" and being controlling?

You controlled your son to get a trashy job.

Parents have lots of real control over their children even when the child is a very mature adult.

You say that he is contributing while really he is just complying with your control.

You want the trashy job to persuade him into getting a better job - that is just more controlling.

It is not healthy for him just as it is not healthy for you, and that sickness of "control" is what we call as codependency.

The son is dependent on the unhealthy parental control.

You do not want him mooching off of the taxpayers assistance - and why - so them Mommy and Daddy will not have to feel their feeling of embarrassment.

Pushing the son into a so-called "menial" job might indeed make the parents to feel better, but then the son's life is damaged just to make Mom and Dad to feel better.

That entire scenario is codependency in action.

Many people now with degrees are going into lesser jobs than they had just in order to get work. This is happening as companies close and others downsize. They do not consider their jobs as trashy. It really isn't kind to label jobs as trashy because they are low paying.

I started working at 16 and you would probably consider my job as trashy too because it paid low (I had no work history or skills), but an employer took a chance and I did a great job. That job taught me a whole lot. It didn't pay much, but I worked for the money I got through high school. I worked until 2:00 AM and then came home and got up early the next day for high school.