Hi all,

I'm new to the group and am just beginning to look through your posts and articles. I read the 'Dependency' post, which is great, thank you. 

Obviously, I'm seeking refuge in this forum because I'm a codependent. I have realtionships with men who can't really love me and then wonder why I end up being left and hurt. Long story short, I recognised these patterns of behaviour many years ago and tried to change them after leaving an emotionally immature porn addict. I didn't date anyone for years and thought I had made real progress being detached from my need to have a relationship or a love interest. I started dating my ex two years ago this month. I had doubts when we first met, I didn't fancy him that much and thought he was immature, but he was super sweet to me and we had a physical connection. I grew to love him gradually and after a few months I knew I didn't want to be without him. However, small things started to happen and I struggled with my mental health at stages about our realtionship and he couldn't/didn't handle me being upset well at all. I also struggled as he had a child and we became further apart due to his living and working arrangements. He also started to get into a negative pattern of dumping me whenever we had a disagreement or misunderstanding and then a week or so later messaging me to apologise. This continued and only got more neagtive, and I only felt more resentment that he had a kid who he would never throw away but me I was disposable and felt like an option he could forget about whenever he chose. It came to a head for both of us this time last year when I was feeling depressed and he didn't know how to deal with it (the on and off and distance was making me very unhappy) so he finished with me yet again and said it was for the best. We didn't speak for a month and then he contacted me to say he missed me. I didn't go back with him this time, I was so angry and hurt by him that I just couldn't forgive him. It was another 8 weeks or so until we had contact again and in that time I dated a couple of people, but realised that all that did was make me miss him more. I started counselling to try to resolve my issues with his kid and we met, but not long after this we had an argument via text and he disappeared again. This time several months went by and I started taking anti-depressants as I had reached  a very low point and just couldn't handle things and his abandonment anymore. I eventually reached out to him and told him I loved him and that I was sorry for my part and that all I wanted was for us to try to move forward in a better way. He came to see me, he stayed with me, he said he wasn't happy, that he was goign to see a counsellor etc etc. However, he left the following morning and I've never heard from him again. This was 4 months ago now. I have tried to contact him several times, but he has just cut me off completely and I am so stuck over it. I feel constant sadness and feel like I'm slipping into depression again. My 'supply' of his drug has been removed from me and I can't seem to get my head around how anyone could or would do this. I know he's alive, he's still active online, but I have blocked most things because it's just painful for me to see. I'm not moving past this and I don't know how. I know I can't make him want to talk to me, that he runs away from everything and that I should get over someone who constantly proved his love was superficial, but I can't . I miss my best friend, I miss his embrace and our laughs and all I wanted was us to move forward on the same page and have a future together, but it's clear that's no what he wants. I have improved my general life since this time last year. I like my job now, I go out more, I've met new people, etc. But the constant is this ache and sadness for him and I can't seem to get passed it. Any advice? I'm thinking of starting therapy again. I had a very difficult relationship with an emotionally abusive father and I suffered sexual abuse as a child. I know where my issues stem from but that doesn't help me feel better over the loss of this person. I'm just not finding acceptance or peace about it and I'm sick of feelings this way and knowing that he doesn't feel the same.