My first two were 3 and 6 when I divorced their father. Next week or so, they will be 20 and 23. We weathered many storms and days in the sun. All they want, is for their parents to be happy....my fight with their father was not theirs.

Current times...both are in College....she is about to graduate, he started and mancub will be going into the FIRST GRADE...*omg*...and they are HAPPY regardless of the situation with their fathers.

It is how you handle your relationship during and post the divorce. Your relationship with them is for YOU to make it good or bad. They will love you no matter what.....mine love their fathers even though they chose to disappear from their lives.

As I said, they are both fucked. Side B also may lead you down paths that you don't necessarily want your children to know about, or anyone for that matter. Teaching them that Daddy is STILL the bad guy, completely negating any positive you were trying to make out of your own suffering.

Kids ultimately want happy parents. Have you thought you are fucking up your kids more by staying than by leaving?

I didnt have kids in my divorce equation, but I had to do all the damn dirty work to actually get the shit taken care of.

Your wife sounds like mine in the fact that she wants someone to take care of her and take of everything for her, including ending her own relationships.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It's a good idea to put in a lot of effort and see if things change, ask her for counseling, ask her if she will have sex regularly, whatever will help move things toward functional.... OR if you are certain they won't change, leave. Your kids will form their own opinions of you as a dad. My husband cheated and left and I refuse to badmouth him to our kids. That would only hurt the kids; he is still their father. You aren't doing anything wrong to leave if there is arguing and withholding sex..

I hope that things work out between you two as you obviously love her. But she holds a lot of control in what happens in the relationship, too. It take both people to want it to work, to put in the effort, to change what is dysfunctional. I hope she wants it, too, and puts in the effort. hugs!

You fuck them either way Soon.

I said "more" TD, hence a degree of fuckedupness

I wish someone told me...."hey Rman...if you get married and have kids, there is a good chance that you will end up fucking them up."

Actually, my real name is not Rman.

or if you go through marital counselling, and it can't be fixed, at least both of you know you tried, and there may be much less anymosity than staying or leaving

it's what my exhusband and I did and we're all satisfied with the outcome

that doesn't mean there wasn't any pain, or regret

it was merely the most proactive and productive choice we made given the circumstances

but who knows, old hurts might heal, new ones might be dealt with in more healthy ways, and there might even be a sex therapist involved and your wife might get her mojo back ??

a good chance of fucking them up? try a like 99% chance of fucking them up. it just depends on how much they are fucked up. we are human, therefore imperfect. there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

-Philip Larkin

IT DEPENDS...mine are not fucked up. One got off center with the step-father bit but....back on track.

It is up to the parents to maintain a healthy relationship. Your children are resilient and if they are at the adolescent age, they will be angry but...it will be up to the parents to be patient, loving, constant and get them help for coping skills.....it will work out in the end.

D, you also haven't crossed any bridges you cannot get back from either.

It's fucking complicated, I know dude, been there, done that.

Also, making the first step toward her having to face the reality of it, may prompt her to re-evaluate. That may not be what you are looking for, but it's in the realm. Right now, she's comfy, she has everything she wants, and nothing that she doesn't. You need to move her out of that comfort zone. Declaring your intentions of moving out, and following through with it, will snap her into reality, one way, or the other.

and Rman..

if you bring flowers or want to hold her hand or dance in the kitchen or you say whatever youre going to say and she shoots you down...don't throw in the towel, she might not get the sincerity of your offering for a little while, especially if she is a hurtin unit.

Patience might be your biggest virtue in these times.

I wish you a lot of luck. Saving a marriage is fraught with tons of potholes and falling rocks, but man, if you and she can do it, wow, what a little miracle to celebrate!

rman sorry to be serious after you ended it but...

I watched (and still watch) my parents in a relationship where they can't stand each other. Staying together for the kids only teaches them that its okay to be miserable (hence why it took me so long to realize it was okay to want to be happy).

I understand the no sex thing. I think there were a few of us whose stb/x/husbands stopped wanting sex for whatever reason, and it's hard to say what's in your wife's brain on the matter. I have other issues that make me want to leave, but I understand not wanting to be the bad guy (and I don't even have kids!)

He's the one that chose not to have sex. He's the one that turned to porn & texting with other women. And I'm the one that has to say goodbye because I will not tolerate a marriage like that! (well in addition to his "curiosities")

Point being, no matter what you decide, we're here for you, we are selfish, we don't care about her happiness, only yours *hug*.

Just think about it this way... Is this where you want to be in 5 - 10 - 50 years?