what a great question, I'll be interested in reading the responses

In my experience, some people change up to around age 30 or so.

After that people don't change that much. Some may, but only if it's a change that's driven from within them (getting off drugs, alcohol, getting their act together in some other way....). Therapy can help, but again, it HAS to be driven from a place where it's something that they will NEVER go back to.

If the change is to achieve some goal, they often revert back once that goal has been achieved.

"If the change is to achieve some goal, they often revert back once that goal has been achieved"

Wow !!! That is totally makes sense and explains a lot of things.

No, they don't change. They may change their "story" to get what they want at the moment, but a true change is unlikely. This is especially true of those past 40+. Besides, why should they change when it is so easy for them to bounce from one young bimbo to the next....

I've changed but it was very difficult. It was like getting off of an addiction.

When I was young and naive, I used to think I knew everything. I used to go around trying to prove people wrong. I was a badass at work but I was the best and they knew it.

One day, I was called in to talk to the department vice president. Normally one would be scared but I wasn't and I didn't give a ****!

But to my surprise, he thanked me for my work and gave me a big raise (I was under paid anyway). He said he wanted to put my salary at a competitive industry standard so I wouldn't leave and then he broke the not so good news to me....

He started to tell me that "people" had been making a lot of complaints and instead of putting me on some disciplinary action, he was going to send me to some professional training In San Francisco. The training will help me be better at babying the adult babies around the office so they wouldn't constantly be crying in his office.

Ok, so training finished but the change didn't happen over night. It took the next 10 years for that training to slowly make it into my brain.

I learned that ok... Women have feelings. Some gay men do too. Chose positive words. Don't tell people they are wrong and prove it to them because it hurts their feeling. Compliment them too and other mushy gayness stuff! Lol

it all depends on whether a person wises up to the stupidity of being a "survivor." people who see themselves as survivors, see themselves in competition with others all of the time and never seem to be able to have any clarity and vision.

but, when a person suddenly realizes that they don't have to be survivors any more and that there are better motives to live by, watch out because they can suddenly grow from a dandelion to a sunflower practically overnight.

i believe that life is a journey where most of us meet at the end for the after party. :)

My father used to be incredibly violent and abusive and had a very defined idea of what was women's work and what was man's work. Now he's remarried and from what I understand has never been violent toward his wife or her son, does the dishes, makes dinner, does laundry without complaint. He's never even punched a hole in the wall, doesn't swear at them, etc. He's as complacent as can be AND he is not blatantly cheating anymore (if he is cheating at all). I think the change is because of who he's with - he's still occasionally violent with me (hence why we had NC recently for 2-3 months), is violent with the dog, but I think he knows if he ever touched her she would call the police and due to his past record, he'd be gone. She is very strict with him with firm boundaries and makes more money and the house is in her name, so he's at her mercy. He's been this calm now for 3.5 years.

I've seen a lot of guys I know change in big ways - people against smoking pick it up, hardcore meat eaters becoming vegans, etc. - but then again, they were young and still changing.

As for guys in their 20s, I've seen it happen as well. My latest ex used to sleep with people off sex sites and used people so badly and was into weird stuff, but now he's dating a girl who (used to be?) a virgin and was willing to wait as long as it took, and as far as I know he's respectful and isn't cheating on her. However, he did start trying to call me from random numbers again so who knows, I'm not sure if he's capable of long-term change.

I think overall, a guy changes based upon who he's with and how he feels about them, and what he stands to lose if he messes up.

So from what I've seen, I think women actually have a harder time changing than men.

Eh, who cares

This is a discussion my friends and I have had quite a bit over the years. The gut feeling is that no one really changes, other than for the reasons previously mentioned here. If you think you can change someone, forget it.
So, my question now is, if that's true and a partner does accept the other person with all their idiosyncracies, how come things go wrong so often? I try to be an accepting, live and let liive person, but I'm again crying in my coffee and alone. ??

I think some go through a mid life change, as in the case with my ex-h and ex-FIL, the change I'd liken to going through puberty with $$$ (the cars, boat, girls, etc...). Both used to major penny pinchers. However, I have not observed this with any of my brothers, BILs, or father...instead they seem to continue to mature, grow wiser with age.

Hmm the responses are interesting. Even the men admit they're.pricks and won't change only compromise enough to ACT like they care. I am constantly changing. Building on my strengths, identifying my weaknesses and molding them into strengths. I like who I am but I will always find areas that need changing and exposing myself to new things everyday so perhaps I can see something I didn't see yesterday or see it from a different angle. To answer your questions
1) What do I do? I think you're speaking occupationally, if so, I teach life skills to the intellectually disabled.
2) What do I want? Lots of things. Mainly happiness and to make a difference.
3) What is my perception of myself? I'm a big hearted intellectual that had many upsides and many areas in need of improvement.
4) My temper? Definitely not my strong point. I've learned to handle it well but the feeling of anger when I do feel it if typically quite intense.
5) My strengths and Weaknesses? I'm the same mixed bag as everybody else just a different assortment. My strengths would be my intelligence, my sense of humor, and my caring nature. My weaknesses would be my lack of self esteem, my over sensitivity, and my constant struggle to not procrastinate which I lose more often than not.
6) Have I ever changed? I change constantly. If you can point out something to improve on, I will gladly take your advice. If you'd like to tech me something, I love to learn. I apologize on behalf of the a***oles that apparently out number me greatly and won't ever change and are proud if it.

Also apologize for not spell-checking this prior to submitting lol.

*applause*

@olderbutwiser - I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Let me be honest with you. It sound like you're quite the sensitive one. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that honey. You are who you are.

Heck, some therapist lady told me that the only person I can change is ME.

So, why don't you just change to meet their expectation and then "poof", nothing more will go wrong?

But let me ask you something. Why in the world would you need to change to meet their expectations. The hell with them, go find someone else.

Go listen to this song, "Nothings going to change my love for you"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AOzMzSbav4

Like the lyrics say, "if the road ahead is not so easy, our love will lead the way for us, like a guiding star. I'll be there for you if you should need me, you don't have to change a thing. I love you just the way you are"

When you find that person, hold on tight. Knock them on their head so they are unconscious. Do what you have to do so they don't escape. lol

I am good guy by nature..... but, After being heart broken 3 times in 30 years... I now have a hardened heart,, I rarely give ladies a glance at it...... may never give it away again... BTW guys can and some do change for the better.... some don't just like the omen....