I sacrificed too much and was not myself in the end. I was too trusting. I believed in love for ever... I have grown up since then.

Hi, WC.
During disagreements, I would be more interested in being "right" than in real communication. I brought up past wrongdoings that were completely irrelevant to the current discussion.
After having two children just 11 months apart in age (in addition to my own from a previous marriage), I allowed my busy schedule (job, housework, childcare, sick mother) to create a situation where I did not spend enough time with him as a partner and took him for granted.

It was not all his fault. But, it was no reason to fix it by betraying. I had a communication problem as he put it. I would shut down and would try to avoid conflict. I never found his happy medium. I was either too much or not enough.

I accept my part and I have taken this heartache to address my shortcomings.

I too have way too many faults to list them all.... one thing that I did and have caught myself doing in this relationship as well, is not letting shit go..... he screwed up, he acknowledged it.... I need to let it go and forget about it and can't seem too.... with this relationship, at least I am keeping my mouth shut about it, but it still jumps to my mind every time we have an argument and will one day spill out and cause even more problems.... I am working on it, really I am!

I could have been more appreciative of him.
I could have respected his opinion more.
I could have made him feel like he mattered to me.

This is what he told his mother, our counselor, our priest, and his counselor.

The reality was that he let outside influences define him and didn't hear/feel me support him. He was asked for input and more often than not said, "Whatever you decide is fine with me." He didn't matter to himself, That's the bottom line. He still doesn't.

I was unable to communicate, emotionally dependent, incredibly insecure and centred my whole life around him. This was largely down to my situation when we met, but not surprisingly it killed the relationship dead. He had faults too, but I'm not really that concerned about who was more or less to blame - in the end I can only change myself. Which, I'm proud to say, I have! :)

Oh, and Giddyagain - love your avatar! Have seen it before but not for a long while and it really made me smile.

I also have acknowledged my faults and worked on them. I was a people pleaser which set me up to make some pretty poor choices. I became controlling so that I could try and find some normalcy to my chaotic,abusive life. I finally realized that the only controls I have are me and my reactions to shit, so I set about changing me, so that I could hopefully change my future. I have invested 5 years now in me, and the rewards have been plenty.. I am at the point where I have something good to offer someone and may take off my shoes and dip my toes in the water again soon;-) Healing hugs to all, Kimmee

I am a fixer. I was trying to fix someone that didnt want to be fixed.

I work two jobs throughout my marriage. I assumed that as long as I was working hard and being the provider, then I was doing my part in the marriage. I failed to realize that there is more to making a marriage successful, than just to work hard and pay the bills. I realize that a marriage actually takes "work."

I really like what Jaken said...the same issue was something that affected my marriage. I was judgemental, and I didn't always give him time to explain when we'd argue.

This is a hard one for me - not because I have an issue with admitting my faults, but because I'm still doing the work of trying to sort out what was mine and what was his. I realize that a lot of things he did triggered poor reactions or ways of handling things in ME and vice versa, so it makes these waters a little murky for me.

That being said, I know that I gave up too much of myself, I didn't always communicate well, I didn't fight fairly. When I found that I needed more than I normally would (we all get needy sometimes) and those needs weren't addressed, I became resentful and angry and withdrew. I didn't always give the stability and consistency that he wanted - I felt unable to do so when my needs weren't being met.

I, too, am trying to work through my own part in all of this. For myself, it's part of my healing and getting healthy process... I wish my ex would do the same, but he is intent on being the victim and blaming me for everything. It's sad, for him, but that's his journey and I can't change that - only myself.

I had problems communicating things that I should have communicated. I had insecurities that I took out on her that had nothing to do with her. I should have trusted her with things that I felt in my heart a lot more. I thought by playing the role of the strong, silent type, that I would somehow be able to maintain a loving relationship. What a fucking moronic thought that was, looking back (not that I want to go the other way and be a complete waterfall of thoughts and emotions.....I'm not sure I could live with myself if that's what I became, but I'm also quite sure there is a happy medium).

On the other hand, there were situations where I didn't set boundaries and let things go that, frankly, I should have called her out on. She could be very manipulative and I tend to be accommodating. Being overly accommodating really doesn't do anyone any favors and can breed resentment (as I believe it did with me) that probably manifested itself in various negative ways throughout the marriage.

All of this said, I still would have done anything to save that marriage. In the end, it didn't matter.

I wanted to elaborate a bit on how people in abusive relationships become controlling. My ex was an alcoholic, and did not work. I gave him a very large allowance as I was sole support and when he used it for drinking and drugs, that would make me angry. I had no control over how he spent the money but I kept giving it to him, hoping that he would use it for something good, which never happened. That is insanity folks. Doing the same thing, and expecting different results.
People in abusive situations whether you are male and female pick up unhealthy behaviors during the time of the unhealthy relationship. It is so common yet so few truly admit to doing insane things to try and win their love. We live, hopefully we learn, and then we grow.
When we know better, we can do better. Mayo Angelo

I didn't "need" him enough. I was not the best at communicating the heavy stuff. I had and still have trust issues. I have been working on all that since before we decided to divorce. I think I finally get it.

fault? i'm not sure that is the best way to look at it.

both of us were at points in our lives where we needed to follow dreams.

two dreamers without financial stability equals a household that cannot stand. it was as simple as that.

with that said, i am very proud of us individually and together for what we had, risked, and dreamed. i think that we both are better people for knowing each other and that is a very good thing to remember as i move forward from here.