Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I think that most of us here are the "emotionally healthier" ones from our relationships. And reading what I have, I do believe that most of us here do not carry the majority of the blame for our failed marriages, myself included.
But in the interest of self improvement, acceptance, and being fair to the situation, what personal behaviors or actions were your repsonsibility for your divorce?
For me, I was judgemental. When we had a talk or argument, I would assume a lot about her feelings or motives, and place blame on her without understanding the whole situation. That also comes from our lack of communication, which to a degree I concede my behaviors made it harder for her to be comfortable with.
I have lots more, but I gotta get to work :)
Anyone else? And if you believe you had nothing to do with your divorce, I'd like to hear about that too.
I'm not trying to minimize any of the utterly wrong things our others have done, or make any excuses for them, just some perspective I guess.
But in the interest of self improvement, acceptance, and being fair to the situation, what personal behaviors or actions were your repsonsibility for your divorce?
For me, I was judgemental. When we had a talk or argument, I would assume a lot about her feelings or motives, and place blame on her without understanding the whole situation. That also comes from our lack of communication, which to a degree I concede my behaviors made it harder for her to be comfortable with.
I have lots more, but I gotta get to work :)
Anyone else? And if you believe you had nothing to do with your divorce, I'd like to hear about that too.
I'm not trying to minimize any of the utterly wrong things our others have done, or make any excuses for them, just some perspective I guess.
When my pleas to be heard and beg for us to work on the relationship went unanswered over the course of ten years, and were characterized as my not "being a man", I started acting out in ways that were designed to accomplish something that was not going to happen...change her. Instead the behaviors ended up contributing to the destruction of the marriage. I repeatedly threatened divorce, overspent on my hobby and in the and sealed the deal with an indescression.
I have regretted my behavior (and apologized to her in therapy and out) every day since we parted but the lessons I have learned will be carried with me every day I am alive. Chief among them is to be honest with myself about what I need and to never settle for anything less. To recognize when things are not what I need them to be and, while I must make an effort to "right them", I must also know when to throw in the towel.
Her response throughout was very a simple refrain that has never become anything more "it wasn't all your fault". Very little conslation for a man who gave everything...his body, his sweat, his money, his life and his emotions to build a family and whose best efforts efforts failed.
The one other very important thing I learned, is just how very poisonous families of origin, especially those with money, can be to their children and to the marriages they enter into. In the end, when I think about her family, who she became as an adult, makes perfect sense. I had just always hoped that she would have truly broken free of the emotional/financial shackles her family had bound her with. Instead, she treated it with antidepressants in increasingly higher doses. To this day, I wonder if she will ever deal with her side of the story, but I am not holding me breath.
I got exactly 50% of what I had hoped to get from a marriage; I lost the partner but I have my two absolutely incredible children for whom I have the utmost gratitude...even to her.
Lynne
So maybe apple. Nice and crisp
wrong thread folks. let me fix it
i have learned that i can't control or change any person. i have to accept people as they are...
if he is a drug addict, then he is. no matter how many threats i give to dealers, he will make choice. all my effort is a waste.
his shit is his shit, my shit is my own. we can come together as a team, but at the end of the day i didn't cause situation and i can't control the situation and thats ok. let the chips fall where they may.