Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I think that most of us here are the "emotionally healthier" ones from our relationships. And reading what I have, I do believe that most of us here do not carry the majority of the blame for our failed marriages, myself included.
But in the interest of self improvement, acceptance, and being fair to the situation, what personal behaviors or actions were your repsonsibility for your divorce?
For me, I was judgemental. When we had a talk or argument, I would assume a lot about her feelings or motives, and place blame on her without understanding the whole situation. That also comes from our lack of communication, which to a degree I concede my behaviors made it harder for her to be comfortable with.
I have lots more, but I gotta get to work :)
Anyone else? And if you believe you had nothing to do with your divorce, I'd like to hear about that too.
I'm not trying to minimize any of the utterly wrong things our others have done, or make any excuses for them, just some perspective I guess.
But in the interest of self improvement, acceptance, and being fair to the situation, what personal behaviors or actions were your repsonsibility for your divorce?
For me, I was judgemental. When we had a talk or argument, I would assume a lot about her feelings or motives, and place blame on her without understanding the whole situation. That also comes from our lack of communication, which to a degree I concede my behaviors made it harder for her to be comfortable with.
I have lots more, but I gotta get to work :)
Anyone else? And if you believe you had nothing to do with your divorce, I'd like to hear about that too.
I'm not trying to minimize any of the utterly wrong things our others have done, or make any excuses for them, just some perspective I guess.
My second marriage is much more complex and difficult. There are so many extra factors and I am still sorting out things. The ever shifting foundations and lack thereof make it difficult to build upon. The landscape changes everyday. I am making an effort to understand how I bought into things and how it shaped my way of thinking away from who I really am. Standing up and being who I really am away from the 'we of us' has been difficult. It is hard to hear someone express great pain and not want to try to heal it. Even if trying to heal it will start the painful cycle again and realize we are back to square one. I won't go back to square one. If that is my fault, I accept it. My fault in this is that I can't continue with the status quo. I can only change myself. I wish to change the way I live my life because my life with him was so painful. It doesn't mean I have turned a blind eye to the good things. It means that the painful things have outweighed the good things and I will never grow if I stay in the same place. And he will not either. If he can't forgive me for that, then I have to accept it. I never wanted to hurt him, but staying with him will hurt him, and leaving him will hurt him. I can't be what he wants, but he can't give up wanting me to be. It's gut wrenching to watch that. I am compassionate. I can't be compassionate enough to walk backwards anymore. I am sorry. I could be manipulative, I could be furious, I could be emotionally shut down. For all those things, I am sorry.
There are so many things, but I am really good at seeing what I lack. I like very much what Bridget wrote, and can understand those feelings. Also I am with Dab, the bottom line was I would have done anything to save our marriage, but it was too late.
I talked with my ex last night about some of this. Our perceptions are so very different.
- I did not know how to react well to someone who shuts down lines of communication. So, I would pursue. Instead of opening the channels of communication, she felt pressured, and shut down even more.
- I did not know how to react to the emotional abuse I was receiving. Over time I would become defensive, as opposed to (again) opening the lines of communication.
Basically, while I was good at communication my feelings and needs. I was not good at helping her to open up. I am a fairly open person. My ex was a very closed person.
My marriage was a pendulum of mutual abuse. (not sever, but there none the less) Neither of us knew how to deal with the lack of skills of the other person, so we each used abusive tactics on the other person. Over time things slowly escalated and got worse. Sadly either one of us could have broken the cycle, and things would have improved. But, neither of us did.
- I didn't back him up when he disciplined the boys.
- I didn't show him enough attention.
(Keep in mind we have an 8 yr-old son with severe CP and it takes a lot of time when only one parent is doing it all.)
I simply chose to ignore it and hide out in my own little world, and enjoyed it too much when the X traveled on business or took week long road cruises.
I stuck my head in the sand; and didn't take and/or couldn't find the energy to challenge these behaviors. This could have ended us sooner, or given us a fresh start. I'll never know; but I will never lose myself in a relationship or be non-confrontational ever again.
(On a really ironic and crazy note, my X still tells people I was the perfect mate. I guess they tell me this hoping it will make me feel better. Of course, it doesn't)
I suppose I yelled at him to much because he stopped doing the things that had to either get done in the house or with our son or with the dog. I guess I nagged to much because he didn't follow through on projects and nothing was ever put away. I guess I didn't give him undivided attention because I would fall asleep by 9 pm out of pure exhaustion.
Are those reasons for a divorce? I don't really think so, but that's all I can come up with.
I think he just ran away because he couldn't handle growing up and have responsibility. - What is that called "the Peter Pan syndrome"
To get the important things taken care of and then sit back enjoy life and have fun. But he wanted to live the high roller lifestyle and not worry about the other stuff. I had to be the adult for two people and it wasn't fun and I took it out on him.
I was an enabler, codependant, and put myself on the back burner. I wanted to be right and as it turned out in somethings I was and I will never doubt my gut feelings anymore.
I am aware of my faults, I had to face them in order to move on and will be dammed if I make the same ones again.
I am the only one who controls my happiness.
MsViv did your husband really run away cuz mine did,not just me his parents to.
What I have learned throughout this is that I only have control over me. I can't control how he talked to me, but I can control how I handle it. My blame in this relationship/divorce is not being able to control my reactions and deal with him with integrity and respect. I lowered myself to his level and oftentimes, fought dirty just cuz he was.
My blame is that I let him have the blame/credit, etc. for everything that went bad or went good. I was not me, I did not stand up and be an individual. My moods/actions/tone were as a result of his mood/action/tone and that from here on out, has to be the biggest change I make. I am now going to take the blame for things I do, terrible things I say, the way I feel each day, the good things that happen, etc. I am taking the blame or credit for it all and that feels good.