My faults were the ones that made the relationship as successful as it was, for the 7 years we were together. If I hadnt been so much in love, I would have been better to have left after 2 years.

Thats one of the mind fucks of being in the odd sort of relationship I had. The assets a person has in any normal relationship, become liabilities in an abusive one.

And what makes things weird afterwards are to figure out how to NOT admonish myself for them, but to continue liking them enough to keep them, to not become jaded so much that I see myself as deeply flawed, but rather a good enough person asking for something she just couldnt handle in the end.

Boy, this is a tough one...Immediately, I can't think of anything that was my fault except the actual leaving. MsViv's answer resonates the most with me. After some more thinking I am guilty of trying to change him, trying to control him, then giving up out of frustration. Then, when I realized I had no control, I stepped back, gave him a lot of space. Ultimately, we were in couples therapy for 6 yrs with little effect.

I wish I could see how I could have done things differently, but I am blind to it. All I saw was how impossible he was.

I guess I was content with "blah", and didn't realize that we were both cheating ourselves of the passion and excitement in life that a real relationship has.

i dont think these threads help

newbies see this (long before they are ready to even think about it)

i think these threads are useless, none of us know what really happened

I loved him more than I loved myself.....

I have not been at peace with myself in order to be the best wife I could be. Without peace within I was selfish, critical, sad, lonely, drunk, stupid, etc. I know now that until I find that peace within I am best being on my own and it doesn't feel bad at all, in fact I am embarking on my peace finding mission with excitement and a very positive attitude.

I was his #1 enabler. I loved and valued him more than myself. He was addicted to alcohol and I was addicted to him. A perfect recipe for a codependent disaster.

OK, I haven't read the other's replies, so may be repeating stuff. I won't say I was without fault. But my faults were well within the bounds of normal, living together kinda things.
I guess my really big fault, was in thinking I could help him heal from his abusive childhood- that my family and I would show him all the joys and good things a family brings. I never should have entered a relationship with someone who "needed fixing". I can say I'm pretty sure I've learned that lesson now. The bigger problem for me will be learning to balance not wanting someone that "needs fixing" and still being open and loving to a person's normal foibles and faults.

This is a good post considering I am still not divorced...yet. I am still willing to work on my marriage, and sometimes I feel he is too. So, throughout my five months of separation I have learned a great deal about myself and how I contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. I have allowed his actions/inactions to control my reactions. I yell and scream....sometimes horribly at him for past mistakes, and I can't seem to keep my big mouth shut. I have learned that I am not responsible for him, and that he needs to take ownership for his own issues as well. I always tried to take on his mistakes and make them about myself. I would beat myself up and then get angry with him for making me feel this or that. But, it never was his fault. I own that, and now I can clearly see how I need to own my feelings, and reactions. I have always been like a mom to him, reminding him of things to do, or picking up all the pieces when he didn't pull through.....but, I have stopped doing this as well, and I have realized that I created a lot of my own misery by mothering/smothering him.

Another thing I do way too much is blame myself for everything that happens, and then I feel resentful of him. But, once again that is for me to own.

I didn't set boundaries in my marriage or my life for that matter. I have learned/am still learning to set boundaries.

I think there is soo much more, but these were the ones I could think of.

Wow, what incredible responses. I apologize for not realizing how painful this question could be for some people. But thank you all for your honesty. I see so many of all these things in myself, and my stbx. (just hope she would too lol)

Another one for myself: harboring resentment. I would rehash things in my head for so long and let it build and build, being "passive agressive", until I would explode about what was sometimes just a minor thing, when I should have had the courage and ability to communicate properly.

(so many of these things deeply involve communication... hmmm)

My #1 mistake throughout was not being able to make the very hard decision of ending our relationship at any point earlier than I did. It was so bad right from the start. By the end I was using my resentment and anger as a way of not really dealing with the issues as well. Do I guess I was in denial and that did not help at all. I'm convinced that nothing short of me leaving would have woken him up to all the damage he caused but I will always have to wonder if things could have been fixed if I had the courage to take such a big step before I got to the point of no return. He says he has change dhis abusive a-hole ways and I have to live with the fact that I will never know.

Sylph
OMG, I could have written your post word for word, only I was the wife. Its eerie sometimes and comforting at the same time when you hit upon a post that echos your experiences.
I also want to add that the mistake I made was from the very beginning, because of the love I had for him, I settled for less in a relationship than I actually needed and wanted. I grew increasingly resentful that there was no changing it as well. I wanted open, honest communication, honesty, empathy, a best friend, and intimacy. I could see that he lacked these qualities, but I made excuses in my mind for that that would assure me (in my mind as well) that it was possible to improve in time. It didn't, and he became resentful that I needed what he didn't possess, and I became resentful that he couldn't come through. I should have been more honest with myself about what I was willing to accept, and not.

I'm trying to understand that all of it was my fault

being frustrated was wrong
I shoud have suppressed my feelings better.

joining DS and venting my frustration was especially wrong - that ruined everything

I can't read the entire thread just now but I do remember her telling me I didn't listen to her and that I would hear what I wanted to hear. That I would hear what I wanted to hear and disregard the rest.

I wish we never got started. I basically accept we were not meant to be and I miss my friend.