Probably update in this group and "healthy relationship" still figuring out DS. Maybe stay in one. 

Still been avoiding my husband unless its about finance etc. 

Had my own  individual session with our counselor today. Alot information, alot of venting. I felt i was all over the place trying to pick myself up yet she can always help me interpret it all. 

My understanding...on how she hears me. Alot to say in just a message prob cant write the whole thing. My own pattern has been putting so much energy and focus on my husband. ive been living like "walking on eggshells" i would say, or "suspense, on whats next, is he doing it again." It must have been draining me. She was right it was.

She ask if I was happy. I couldnt even answer it. I was not sad, happy or angry. I can only explains  "it is what it is, i see myself with or without him." She say it sounds like im in state of apathy. And thats okay, but also not a good state to makes big decision. To make real tough decision is put my focus back on me. What i want, how i want to build my future, the relationship i want, to feel.  

We dig deeper on how it felt thinking about life if we were apart and life with him. 

 I been faithful, supportive, good wife, yet has a husband that lies.i felt relief if i was not with him and not having to think about his lying. That i can find someone more mature and understanding that i can build, grow, learn together, communicate, with someone new, yet it be like starting all over again. 

If i were to stayed, what would i want or would like in a relationship, how would it feel. Love, trust, compassion, companion, communication, support.  "Stop lying n plus all this BS." 

We went into if i felt i was missing or lacking something in myself that i wanted to improve. So much to talk about and break down in 1 session. She wants to start weekly meeting with just me. She said my husband has also reach out to her in the last 24hrs also for session too.

But My session will focus on me. To dig and feel my feelings of what i want. I have always been looking and working on how i can make someone happy and thats a pattern i have issue of unlearning from my own history. We cant control or change someone, only they can. Yes i know. 

My counselor probably explain in better words than i can here. Im just jumbled right now. 

I wish i can cry scream, yell, or show some kind of emotion. Right now im drained and tired. 

Im going to do some self care art, reading, writing. Back to my own journey for me, to find me and what i believe will be right for me. Im not sure now but  , its hard at the moment, i hope to figure it out. I want "me" back.