So sorry for what you are going through. Do you have a lawyer? I would strongly suggest getting one, as 30 years of marriage means a lot of assets to divide. I think that would help you too, having a lawyer deal with some of these issues, such as the financial aspect, his recent abusive behavior, etc. And also, have you looked into talking to a therapist? I wish you much luck. So sorry for what you are going through. Doesn't seem like it now, but things will eventually be better for you!

I have just split up with a psychopath been beaten down I know to well what you are going through I can not let go of my abuser but I have to good luck with him all men are not this way

Do not give up! I have been in your shoes before. I feel so awful for you. How horrible. My husband was not paying his taxes and I did not know it, so after the divorce they took my refund to repay what he owed. :-( It is NOT your fault. He is projecting his feelings onto you trying to punish you for the mistakes he made. Please feel all the emotions that you need to and release them. Have you talked with a counselor about being verbally abused? I did and it was a tremendous help to my life. Please know we are here to help you in any way we can.

Thank you for the responses. I can't even begin to explain what I've gone through since finding out. Especially since she continued to pretend to be my friend and talk about things with me the whole time she was talking to him luring him to her. We still have to go through the divorce process. We haven't been separated long enough to get a divorce but I have hired a lawyer to handle it. Unfortunately the fact that she lives right up the street increases the likelihood that I will eventually run into them together. Although I can honestly say after the incident the night I found out I don't think I will ever see her locally by herself ever again because she's terrified of me. But in all honesty he said something to me a few days ago that changed everything. We r over! That was his text to me and in that very moment something in me abruptly changed. Because every single bad thing he has ever done to me and how he has treated me and my son over the last 11 years that we've been remarried came flooding back to me only to confirm that he was never the man he portrayed in years past. It has become evident that he has extreme anger issues and has to be controlling. That's not me. That simple statement made me realize that they actually did me a favor. While I have a long road to go because he left me penniless with no job on mortgage I can't pay amongst other bills I still feel better then I have in years. I had lost all of my self-confidence and I was severely depressed to the point of suicide. At the moment I told him to leave it was either him or me and I chose me. What nobody understands is he was a different person outside of this house. Behind closed doors no one can ever imagine what I went through. Not that anybody on his side really cares. They never wanted us to get remarried anyway. Thing is and my heart of hearts I know they won't make it. She is totally opposite of me. She's been divorced three years and then was in a relationship for almost two right after her divorce and after he kicked her to the curb all she kept saying was I need a man I want a man I can't find a man. I'm not sure at what point in time she decided she wanted mine because in the 30 years we've been together she was in our first wedding she has never shown a bit of interest in him at all and he is not what I consider to be her type. She's on the rebound he's not even divorced yet. I know him well enough to know that he's rushing everything with her because he's afraid something will change his mind or something will change her mind. The sad thing is is having known her 35 years and being with him for 30 years I know them both pretty well and I definitely know them both better than they know each other. Karma will come I just have to be patient. 2 days ago I was crying I was sad I didn't want to be alone I was just absolutely miserable it was affecting my job and everything about my life that statement the day before yesterday and then me reconnecting with a friend I had actually lost because of him made everything better. People tell you you know it'll get better you'll get out of it and I know we were there once before but it was different then we were younger we got married very young. When we got married the second time I was older and wiser he was just an ass. I promised myself when we got remarried I would accept him for who he was and do everything I could to make the marriage work that only works if both people do it. I just kept getting more miserable and more miserable I ended up getting injured and have a herniated disc in my back that calls me a ton of problems he wasn't there he didn't care but until he made that statement all I could think of was that I loved him I still love him how could he closed the door on 30 years how do you do that well it's simple he never really loved me because you don't do that. That's the only reason we were married so long is because I hoped and I prayed it would change I begged him to stop I asked him to stop but he always had a reason why I had a right to do it. Well I got news for him because he's in for the surprise of his life. I'm an independent woman I don't have to have a man. I cut the grass I weed whack I dig holes I put in fences you name it and it's got to be done I do it. Even at 50 I do what needs to be done. She doesn't even know how to cut the grass she doesn't know how to do anything she spent 20 years being married to a man that controlled her told her what she could and couldn't do how to do it and all she was there for was to raise the kids. My husband works but he also has a side business I've done a lot of work with him and for him. After my injury I really couldn't do as much and he complained about it. Well he complained about me I hate to see what he's going to have to say about her. I know from experience it all comes around I've done my share of things I've made my mistakes but I owned it and I asked for forgiveness after 35 years of friendship she won't even look me in the face she wouldn't even answer her door he had to protect her from me the night I showed up to confront them. That says a lot about her. At the very least she should look me in the face and say I'm sorry. But he did the same thing to me that he did with the woman he was with while we were divorced he always made me believe that he treated her that way because he was angry because we got divorced the first time the first 6 months were good and after that at all changed. He was jealous of my relationship with my son he was angry he yelled he was never happy he complained about everything. 11 years I stuck it out 11 years of my life I wasted because I loved him. Thing is I still love him now but I'm in a different place and I know now that he can show up at my door with a million dollars in cash and I'd slam the door in his face because I deserve better. So when they crash and burn and they're trying to survive the Fallout they can both think about how neither one of them have me to help them or will have me to help them ever again. Knowing that someday that time will come is good enough for me. When that switching me got hit I finally realized that I was where I needed to be and heading in the right direction. But the weeks prior we're crushing and I swore I wouldn't make it. It's funny I would have never thought the one thing that would change it would be him himself. I still have twinges of hurt to lose my best friend of 35 years is a pain I'm never going to get over. The thing is the pain over her was way worse than the pain over him my son is 19 now and I've always raised him with the idea you never diss your friends for a girl you always put your friends first because your friends are for a lifetime. I never thought I would choke on those words as much as I have. But as some other people have told me she was never really a friend and that's true. But I confided in her about just about everything from the time we were 15 until the day I found out they were together. He also knows a lot about her that she doesn't realize he knows. Like the fact that she got $300,000 in her settlement for divorce. All I can say to them is live and learn. I've lived in this house for 17 years I purchased it as a single mom he came in started a bunch of projects and never finish them left me hanging now I can't afford the mortgage it's not in condition to sell and I have to figure out what to do. It's not a good place to be but the way I see it I would rather be here than where I was 7 months ago when I told him to get out. I consider myself very lucky that things happen the way that they did because I don't know how much longer I could have gone on how I was. Website along with my counselor and countless other friends got me through the hardest times. I want to express a sincere thank you to everyone here who commented and gave me advice because when I ended up here on this site I was at a pivotal low. Losing the person that I would have relied on to get me through it was devastating to me. To anyone who's going through something similar reach out to anybody that you can. The most likely person to help you is a stranger who knows what you're going through. One day can sole you you know it's sincere. I still have a long ways to go it will crush me the first time I see them together and it's going to happen she lives up the street. But I think now when it happens I'll be able to deal with it better. I posted this because I wanted to share with everybody here what I went through and how I came to be where I am because I've seen a lot of people feeling the same things going through the same thing and the biggest question is why. My advice is stop and think why most likely is because it's what's best for you even though it doesn't seem so at the time. Two weeks ago if someone told me I was strong I would have called him a liar. I didn't want to get up I didn't want to go to work I didn't want to do anything. One simple sentence Three Little Words changed it all. Listen closely and think hard and I believe everybody will be taken to the right place.

If it bothers you too much that she lives down the street, you could sell your house after the divorce and move to the opposite side of town. Or, to another town, city, state, etc. You can do whatever you want with YOUR life after you get divorced. I wish you much luck ahead.

I am so sorry to hear of what you're going through. While I can't imagine my best friend being with my husband(hopefully soon to be ex), I know what it's like to be with a man so narcissistic. I will just say take it minute by minute, hour by hour . Put one foot in front of the other and keep focusing on YOU. Love YOU! Like you mentioned in your post, you chose YOU. Choose YOU every single day from here forward. Keep your head up. Cry when you need to, shout when you need to because you have to release whatever emotions you're feeling.

GirlinCali I wouldnlove to move but thanks to my husbands use of money my credit is ruined and he emptied the bank account before he left. It took me months to find a job and I make 1/2 what I need to pay bills. I plan to rent a room but the condition he left the house in with all the unfinished projects it will be months before I can do that. Unfortunately he screwed me all the way around.

You will get it together. This is a very big thing you are dealing with. Have you thought about talking to a therapist, counselor? They usually work on a sliding fee scale. I think the church has free counseling too. So sorry for what you are dealing with. You will make it, you will be okay. Takes some time, but you will get there.