Self discipline and willpower are critical aspects of a persons success in any endeavor. From battling addictions, limiting vices, succeeding with dieting/weight loss, financial discipline, physical fitness, to marriage fidelity all worthwhile endeavors require positive discipline. Putting forth effort in one's self and not wasting time in the pursuit of changing another persons view. You are only responsible for that of your own, others can only change themselves when they realize that change is in order for their betterment.

i love this thread

great responses.. especially TD66's in the teens.. i forgtetr which one. i AM drinking rum in the caymans on vaca after all...but y9ouknow theh one..

When you lose something important, you grieve.
How mysterious is that? And is it a waste/
Or is it cause and effect?

Rumin the Caymens J? Gotta be Tortuga... their rumcake rules as well

Hello? Grief is natural.. you might as well try to stop your arm from bleeding when it's cut. It's the minds natural coping mechanism. Why would you want to fight that? Just don't get caught up in it.

Grief happens with any loss of an emotional connection: death, divorce, falling out with a friend, your stupid wife letting your squirrel back into the wild to possibly be eaten by her stupid cat. For instance.

probably because it is a big deal and its not really something we can control. We don't try to grieve we just do. The effort comes when we are trying to get out of the grieving

I had to come back to this because I held the same ideal, Rman...

"...when I got married, I made a promise to myself, that I would always stay married...I was in love, after all...
I feel like the failure of a marriage, is like a failure in life...
so i guess i just sucked it up for a bit, in order to feel like i was successful...being married makes you successful, right??? "

I think we have this idea that marriage is this goal to be attained, that it will bring everything together. I am learning that it is just a path I took in life. Crap I get so stuck in the guilt of creating this "broken family" now, having been the one who filed. But the marriage was ugly. I begin to understand that the guilt comes from a skewed thinking that I took away (from the kids) a perfect ideal of a family and a marriage. Once I check myself and reiterate that my marriage was nothing remotely close to that ideal, I am comforted knowing that their life, and mine, is better and hopeful THIS way, divorced, when compared to what it truly was. A failure? No. I can't bear that burden alone. Together we failed, yes, but I no longer see it as a failure in life. Because now we are finally living. It is just different than what I thought it was "supposed" to be. I am learning that happiness and safety is what it is supposed to be. And whatever it takes to get you there...

RMan & Juliet...

Wow... I'm glad that there are others out there that feel the way I do!

"...when I got married, I made a promise to myself, that I would always stay married...I was in love, after all...
I feel like the failure of a marriage, is like a failure in life...
so i guess i just sucked it up for a bit, in order to feel like i was successful...being married makes you successful, right??? "


Juliet - What you said was eloquent & spot-on. I can either accept the guilt & get over it, or continue to live in a f'ed up marriage for the next 40? years of my life...

It has taken me almost 4 years of no sex, plus other random crap, to decide to leave because I didn't want to feel like I failed! What was I thinking? I'm all up for having fun. I've had plenty of time to grieve!

mavs,
That quote that I pulled was Rman's, from earlier in the thread. That is was struck me too. The "ideal" branded in our minds...

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Who got booted? Main list says 42 replies...

Why can't you have a successful marriage that is over?

Cuz you promised "till death do us part"?

I think that was more realistic when the average life span was 30.

I tried to replace the grieving with fun. It didn't work. Sort of like trying to turn a funeral into a party... not going to happen. Funny no one tells someone grieving a death to 'get over it', or 'he/she isn't worth the tears'.....but so many of us have heard that. Fuck them all. I will grieve my marriage however I want, even if it was all a sham. And yeah, i can't wait to move from grief to fun, but it appears you can't rush that..

Here, here, HC!!! I'm with you all the way. I think I'm on the way back up out of the pit of dispair, but grief is individual, everyone deals with it in their own way, in their own time. I wish there was some way to hurry it up. I tried many times to be happy while I was wallowing in it. It didn't work.

I tried to rush the grieving process. I was feeling depressed down all that stuff and I hated it. I decided to get help and move on as fast as I can. I started talking with friends going to therapy and divorce support groups all in an effort to get "better". In fact I didn't even shed a tear that this was happening to me not once. But it all came to a head this weekend where I had the girls and took them to a park where all these "happy" families, couples were. It hit me right in the gut that it will NEVER be the same and I started getting reflective...I HATE IT WHEN I DO THAT!!! We got home and had some fussy time, but when it was done my oldest daughter said daddy I love you and gave me a big kiss. I kissed her back and started a huge wave of emotion. After a few mins I went upstairs and at my friends suggestion to let it out. And I fell down on my bedroom floor and just cried my eyes out. I know I know get it together man you're a grown man with 2 girls and you're wife just called the cops on you 24 hours ago....what are you crying about. Well I cried bc there were good times during our marriage and for sure I will miss that I cried bc I won't be with my girls 24/7 and I cried mainly bc I may not have grived properly.

i just want to get past the angry, hating phase. the cursing at the gods phase. the foot stomping, get drunk and screw the world phase.

geez, i sound like a republican crying about the health care vote.

*thanks JM for second helping of drunken props*