Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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The pain

sakuraowl
sakuraowl
I'm new here , I don't have family , other then my husband and my sons, my husband notified me a few days ago that he was done with our marriage a few days after my child's birthday . We have been married for 15 years , together for more then 23 years . Our marriage has had many challenges . My older son from a previous relationship put us through the ringer a few years back . My oldest son is an adult now and not living with us . He isn't doing to well because he has issues . But that's another story. That was 8 years ago . My husband wanted a separation back then and we separated for 6 months. He came back before my youngest child went to kindergarten. Anyway , he's always been distant but I thought we were working at it , on my child's birthday , we seemed very happy making a cake together and such. I was wrong because he told me he wanted a divorce. He said he was almost 50 and he has nothing to show for it . He said our relationship has run its course and he wants to just be on his own. My youngest just turned 13 . I feel blind sighted , things weren't perfect but I didn't know he was thinking this is his head . He said he felt this way for years and has been thinking the last few weeks. I a
Was trying to make it work . I feel like while I was working for us he was just working against. He is cold and distant ,he is very comfortable about the fact we are divorcing. I on the other hand , I am suffering greatly . My skin crawls from anxiety , I can't really eat , I am sad and cry a lot , I am afraid and I feel very alone. I can't sleep .
I know from our previous separation 8 years ago that if this happened again I would let him go . We are going to a lawyer today for a counciltation. We are going today because we agree on a quick divorce. We agree on making it amicable . We are not fighting. And still living together , he told our son with me present , just want to be honest about what's going on. Once we get through the divorce we will head toward him moving out. Try to get through this together. But , it isn't really together of course , he's relieved it seems , to divorce he seems exited about his future where as I feel devastated. I did not want a divorce . I told him I did not want one but he says he does so now I am trying to move forward. I feel frozen, the pain is very intense . I feel like I can't handle this , no support from him of course he just doesn't seem to concerned with my pain or my sons pain. His words was " you'll be alright" . I asked him when he first told me , don't you love me? He said with a sneer "a little bit " he says I was a good wife and that it was a good experience . Crushing I tell you. I don't know how I am going to make it . I feel destroyed. I feel my future is empty, I'm 43 , it hurts so bad. Im staying as strong as I can for my son . I feel very alone . I want to just lay on the ground and stay there , but I try to keep moving. I don't feel like I have any support system . I see s therapist who helped me through the struggle with my eldest son, I'm not even sure he can help me anymore. My pain is greater than anything I have felt before , everyday is so painful I don't know what to do.
kenjb47
kenjb47
I can completely relate to your situation, I caught my wife of 18 years cheating a couple weeks ago, since then I haven't slept more than a couple hours each night,waking up as if in a nightmare. She has withheld the children from me even though I was their primary caregiver. Her story was the same as your husbands, cold and distant and sometimes downright mean, often rewriting the past to become angry at me. I have felt for the entire time like an elephant was standing on my chest. Someone in another post said something about being "flooded" meaning your body from stress was releasing too much Cortisol causing a panicked feeling. I got some fish oil tabs and soaked my feet in Epsom salts like suggested in a article, and it has seemed to help. I wish all the best for you and hope that you get that elephant off your chest.
broken234
broken234
I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had something magical to say that would make you feel better. I remember feeling the exact same way when my husband left after 18 years. My husband sounds like yours. Selfish and only concerned about his own wants. It's going to be an emotional roller coaster ride. But it will get better. Everyone told me that it will get better. I never thought that I would ever get a full nights sleep again or be able to eat a full meal. But i did start sleeping well again and I did start eating again. You will get there too. Just be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. Come here and vent or message me if you want to talk.
whatjusthappenedhere
whatjusthappenedhere
No wonder you feel so much pain. It is a devastating blow. Just ride that wave of pain until it subsides, and keep doing that and eventually the waves will come less and less and the painful feelings won't feel as strong.

Are you sure you want a quick divorce? Obviously it was your husband's idea to get divorced. Was it his idea for it to be quick, too? Who made the appointment for the consultation with the attorney? If it is an attorney and not a mediator, my understanding is that the attorney can only work for one client. If your husband called, then the attorney is working for HIM. That means you are left unprotected and no one to advise you on what is your best interest. Please at least think about getting your own attorney to protect you and your children.

Your husband wants to wait until after the divorce to start moving out? I think that is not a good idea. Seeing him regularly like that will only prolong your pain and delay your healing.

You are in pain, blind sided by this news that you are getting a divorce. Unable to think about much, except this horrible pain you are feeling. Your husband will take advantage of your weakened state and get you to agree to things you will regret later. Please, at least consult with your own attorney.

I wish you as many peaceful moments as possible.
lamarwilson
lamarwilson
I'm sorry you are having to go thru this. I believe it's harder for those that are blindsided than for those who felt it coming, or have anger because of behavior that caused the divorce. I have to question why all of a sudden at 50 he wants to be alone. I can't believe he is leaving his son so easily either. The first few days are the worst, but gradually some of the anxiety and stress will subside. There will be triggers that make some days worse than others, but with time it will get gradually easier. It helped me tremendously to share my experience on here, and to keep myself occupied. Hang in there, we are all here for you.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
We went to the lawyers yesterday , we agreed on everything , the lawyers says as long as we agree on everything it will be a pretty smooth divorce as much as it can be I guess. I'm trying to focus on the divorce now, my heart is in shreds . I woke up frozen again , crying . Honestly I wanted to just stay in bed all day with that gripping paralyzingly feeling . I forced myself up because things need to be done like take my son to school. I just don't know how to deal with these physical and emotional feelings. It feels like physical pain with my skin crawling all the time. I'm just in the car parked somewhere now because I don't want to be at home alone but yet I am alone in the car . Don't know how I am going to get through this.
lostntx
lostntx
Sorry for your situation. Hopefully some others will chime in with some good advice. If not, just read through the threads here on DS. I like you was blindsided and don't even know how I functioned the first couple of weeks after we separated. What helped me the most was just talking to others about what I was going through and how I was feeling. Also, I ended up taking some meds because I got so depressed. I would recommend that you have him move out if possible. Have him go to a friends or family. Then limit your contact with him to the extent you can. Those steps will help you start to move forward with accepting what is happening. If you don't have people to talk to, come here and journal or just post in here. Just start talking it out however you can. Hope you feel better soon!
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
Every hour of this day was filled with pain. I drove to get some paperwork for the lawyer that he needed from me . Take it to him tomorrow so he can get started. Going to pick up my son from school soon it will be just my son and I tonight my husband is at work. He won't be here tomorrow either. How long will my pain last ? I don't know how much more I can take of this , I'm tired of people tell me I'm strong that I'll be ok when I don't at all feel strong and I don't feel like I will be ok. I know they are trying to help , it just hurts .
lostntx
lostntx
I am not going to tell you it's not hard. Hardest thing I have ever been through. Just don't give up. Focus on your child for now. You might want to see your doctor too. Stay in touch here. It will get better!
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
Focusing on my son does help a lot , I know there is no way to skip this part of dealing with the loss of my marriage. I try to focus on the good , I try very hard . I read so many articles online about he best way of dealing with this. I tried to reach out to friends and feel like I am being a burden. They say I'm not but I still know that no one wants to hear about things over again. im doing my best , i want to give up but I don't want to its almost like there is something inside of me twisting me up. I can't control it. My boss gave me another week to handle this , I almost feel like I never want to go back to work , I'm a hairdresser , how am I supposed to be the happy person I was ? How can I watch couples come in with their children and not feel pain ? I'm just venting .. I just feel so alone all the time . So frustrated that my husband has made the decision to change our lives just like that. We had no say . And we have to suffer. I don't know if getting back to work will help me . I will though cause I still got to make money. My son sees me sad and I try so hard for him not to see this . I am trying hard everyday since and it's only been 5 very long days ,
goodprovider
goodprovider
I'm so sorry for your pain. It does make it hard to work and regain your positive/happy outlook for dealing with clients.

I've been trying to 'retrain my brain' to not dwell on my STBX and the things he's said and done that anger me. I downloaded an app for my phone that has a counter - I increment it up by one every time I find my thoughts drifting that way. Every day I set a goal to hit a target or reduce the number from yesterday. Progress right?

I once heard that the best way to break a habit is to REPLACE IT with another one. So when I catch myself and increment the counter, I immediately start thinking about what I want for myself in this next chapter of my life - things I didn't/couldn't do while stuck in that toxic relationship with my STBX. It's actually been fun. I'm such a practical person that I wasn't prone to letting myself be a dreamer. But now I am, and it's a treat.

My dream for you is that you can find some peace and find the positives in moving forward.
lostntx
lostntx
I understand everything you said in your last post. I too have read all the articles and have read the great advice here. And it's still a struggle for me. Just 4 short months ago all my dreams for the future changed in a day. Don't worry about being a burden to friends. If you have a few just try vent with a different one every day. Ask them if you are a burden. I'm sure they want to help you. For me, going to work is a needed distraction. Slowly throughout the day I start to feel better. Hopefully, it will be good for you. Take your mind off this for just a little while. How long will the pain last? It's different for every person. It does get a little better every day. But I still have some days when it's really hard. I feel alone a lot too. Even with my kids around. It's going to feel that way because you lost a companion. It's going to take time to get used to them not being around. I wish I had some advice to help you get to a good place sooner. But I do not. All I can do is encourage you to keep moving forward. To believe that one day you will be happy again. Keep coming here and venting. Everyone here understands. We are struggling too. And we are all at different stages of recovery. And we all know how hard those first couple of weeks are. Just take it one minute at a time. One minute. Sorry you have to go through this intense pain!
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
If I haven't said so and even if I did, thank you for your replies . They mean so much for me. Having people here that have been through it and are going through it helps me think I am not alone. I just dropped the check off to the lawyers office . I hope that the divorce is quick since we agree on everything. My pain is still ther but I'm trying to fight it . Had to force myself out of bed this morning . Wasn't easy .
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
Paid the lawyer today , when h comes in Monday I guess it will start . I feel the pain still but I suddenly feel like I want to divorce . I have accepted it truly now I think. I'm still getting major creepy crawling down my arms . I'm so stressed . I feel like I get more stressed as I think of him coming home . keep space from each other I think is the way to go. If I feel stressed when he's around I am sure he is stressed with me around after all , he wanted the divorce. So I have decided to go back to work tomorrow. I don't know how I will do . I think it's for the best. He will have his space with me not at home all the time. I am stressed about everything , mostly now just hoping there are no bumps in the road with this divorce.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
I thought I was doing a little better, but no the pain is severe today, woke up with my skin crawling and threw up a few times. I'm going to work today, my friends suggestion, keep my mind busy and let my son not have to see me down all the time. Not sure how I will make it through the day. My husband is so cold , not even a bit of sympathy for me. It hurts real bad. Fear of the future is constant . I still don't know how I will survive emotionally.
lamarwilson
lamarwilson
I think going to work is a good idea. When I'm working I'm distracted, and my emotions can take a break somewhat. After work until bedtime is the hardest. Some days it's so hard to get out of bed, or even eat breakfast. After forcing myself, and getting my day started it's so much better though for the next 10 hrs.