So, I am having a rough go of things. On Wednesday, my husband and I were arguing and for the first time he's the one who mentioned us getting divorced. I'm okay with the thought of it, but, knowing how I've felt in the past has me scared to hell.

A little background....

I married my high school sweetheart to get out of my abusive mother's house at 16. Of course we divorced after 5 years, 4 and 1/2 of which he galavanted around the United States and cheated with so many people only coming back it seems to sleep with me, which I ended pregnant twice that way. I finally wised up at 21 and decided to separate from him. I married the man who paid for my divorce. At the same time, I was living with a friend of mine, we got into an argument, and she kicked me and my 4 year old daughter and newborn son out of her house. Well, that man who paid for my divorce talked to his mother and she refused to let me and my children be homeless, so I started a long, tumultuous relationship with him.

My husband is a very kind, generous, hard working, caring, stable man who has given me more chances than I ever deserve. But, he can also be very mean and malicious. Not to mention he has a short fuse. We have been together for 18 years and married for 15 come February 11th. Neither of us have cultivated the relationship in ways that were necessary for the other person. For six years I have felt like my voice doesn't matter in regards to our children or even when I'm speaking to him. I will say something and it isn't heard and I'm accused of not saying anything at all. Because of this, I have literally lived out of my bedroom for six years only leaving to go to work and run the essential errans but I do not sit in the front of the house. In addition, we fight all the time. Sometimes it's because I become overwhelmed and my anxiety kicks in and I'm too intense, other times I feel that he has done something wrong. There has been one time only where he has taken me by the neck and shoved me into the bedroom door. For the most part our arguments are only verbal. 

I have felt for 10 years or more that we are drifting apart and have held on for so long always thinking that I was the wrong one and that I needed to change. I have felt guilty for hurting him knowing he is a good man but also for fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of never being loved again. I have always said that I can't leave because I would be ruining my children. I have never lived alone and that is something that is terrifying to me. Our physical relationship has been nonexistent for 5 years, yet, neither of us has cheated on the other. I have told my children that sometimes parents are better apart than toxic together, but, our 10 year old just weeps uncontrollably. 

What's more is that I was totally overwhelmed and anxious when my husband decided he wanted a divorce because we were headed out of town to the hospital for him. I hate myself for allowing all of this to happen during a time where he just had part of his right leg amputated. I despise myself because I feel little to no compassion because of the 18 years of history we have with each other. 18 years that were sometimes very negative, ugly, and hateful. I attempted to leave in March of 2018, and I lasted a measley three days because I felt utterly alone while at my apartment. When I was at the apartment all I could think about was that he had let me go so easily, but also that I'm letting go of what is the best thing that is EVER going to happen to me for someone else to pick up. 

I don't know what to do. I'm trying to find somewhere to go, but, I live in an area where a 2 bedroom will cost me $2000 a month and there are zero houses or apartments right now. I have a good job and it pays well, but not good enough to be able to afford that. Well, my shift is ending in less than 10 minutes. I will check in soon. Everyone who is having a hard time, keep your chin up; we won't be in darkness forever.