I need to vent a little. Keeping this all in is driving me a little crazy. A while ago I posted about my stbx husband and the messy divorce I am going through. I wrote about putting myself and my son first, realising that the way my son was growing up was wrong, that he was learning the wrong things and I didnt want him to grow up like that. I recently had one of my visits with my son, and his father got nasty. It broke me a little, as I cannot believe the man I was with for 8 years could say and do what he did. I asked him to please remove the protection order, that he knows I would never and have never physically abused my son. And my stbx replied that he didnt believe me, that he believes my son is not safe with me. He called me an abuser, and told me I would never get custody of my son, he would make sure of it with his police friends. He threatened me, telling me he will send someone to my house in the middle of the night and set my car on fire if I try to get custody of my son. He accused me of sleeping with another 10 different men, and insinuated I would subject my son to a life of prostitution.

I asked him to stop, told him I wasnt there to fight with him, that all I wanted to ask was how my son was doing at school. I tried to be strong, to ignore what he was saying. I laughed at some of the things he said so he didnt see how it got to me. Then he called one of his police friends and told him I was being verbally abusive towards him, and aggressive. That I was harrassing him instead of spending time with my son, that I wouldnt leave him alone. He told his friend I was throwing my sexual relationships in his face, and that he had asked me to leave him alone but I refused. Thanks to that, I have one warning left and then I get arrested. 

It is frustrating. I have to sit there while he says all these things to me and more, but I cannot defend myself. I cannot do anything. He is still controlling me, even though we are over and getting divorced. I need this man out of my life. I cannot do anything against him, as no one believes me. I have no proof. Even if I record him, I cannot use it. If i get a restraining order against him, I cannot see my son. He knows this. How do I carry on like this until the divorce is through and the court case is over? Everytime I think I can deal with him, that I am finally mentally strong enough to deal with his verbal abuse, he breaks me down. The only thing keeping my going at this point is my son. The fire to fight back, to get my son back. But 90% of the time I want to cry, just let the world pass me by for a bit, and cry. I dread the visits with my son, because I know what I have to endure from my stbx. And i cant not see him, he has supervision rights as he believes I will abuse my son. 

How can a man who spent most of our years together abusing me turn the tables like this and believe I was the abuser? I have hit him twice in our time together, once out of self defence and once because of the things he was saying at the time. I feel broken, like im being held together by a thread that is on the verge of snapping.