Your wife has shown you who she is. The only question is whether or not she is the type of person you want as a spouse.

I think you are only serving to increase the inevitable pain by ignoring the writing on the wall.

Do you want this for another 10-20 years?

I feel for you...I think I'm in the same boat or was. Look, you deserve someone that things the world of you. I'm a hopeless romantic and believe if someone loves you they will show it. You would be the only person in the world for her. If she can't 'let go' of someone else. Than it's not right.

She knows you care. She knows your feelings. She's using them to help herself without worrying about you. I know it's rough but put you first. I think you need to separate for a while. Let you feelings simmer and see how you feel (Or file for divorce).

You posted in a thread on 4/13/2018 "Tomorrow is the day" that your wife wanted a separation and was moving out. I responded in that thread basically saying "I'm sorry to say this but your wife is almost certainly cheating on you." Of course, she was. That is almost ALWAYS the case when these things happen.

Now let's look at this logically:
- She lied to you.
- She cheated on you.
- When things weren't going well (her "accident"), she used you for support. While screwing another man.

Now instead of coming back fully repentant, willing to do anything to repair your marriage, she tries to make you look like the bad guy by saying ”what should I do...put my other feelings aside?”.

Those are the facts. You have one reasonable course of action. Lawyer up and file for divorce. Do it as soon as possible, get it over with. And YOU be the one to take the initiative, and look out for YOUR interests in the divorce with your adulterous wife.

Look, I know it's incredibly painful. The same thing happened to me! But you can hang around and let that pain fester, while your self esteem continues to be trampled. Or you can try to pick yourself up and eventually move on to a better place in life.

By the way, her feelings for THIS particular guy are completely irrelevant at this point. If he suddenly moves to Siberia and disappears, it will just be some other guy a little further down the road.

It's time for you to stand up and walk away. Or you will only have yourself to blame down the road for your continued misery. Your marriage is over. This all may sound harsh, but I honestly think you need the wake up call. I genuinely wish you all the best going forward.

So is this accident a baby I assume? Well doesn't seem too hopeful. Seems like she is using you. Cheating a hard one as most keep doing it, often when women do it they do have feelings. Well in her case she told you that. I just cut your losses and file.

You cant turn a ho into a housewife, believe me Ive tried

Thank you all!!!
I’m lost. I can’t seem to pull myself away from her even after all the hurt. I used to think...why would someone stick around if they don’t give you their all?... well here I am the “someone” that is sticking around. I just can’t process this I guess. She is hurting me emotionally and I can’t walk away... I’m sure the kids have something to do with it but I also still genuinely love her. When she lets me in it feels good that I am someone’s rock but I know...she takes advantage of that because I continue to allow it.
I am so lost and feel completely weak.
I told her today that she needs to make a decision...work on something that has 2 children involved and 14 years of a relationship or something that is 3 years old that was a crutch for her during her weakest moments. I just can’t see how that is “love”.
Oh well....trying to keep one foot in front of the other. Tough to keep moving but have to

The person you think you love doesn't exist. The reality is that your wife has betrayed you in the worst possible way. And apparently this happened 3 years ago as well. This should absolutely be the final straw.

It feels good "when she lets you in". I wonder if those are the times when her affair isn't going so well. Don't allow yourself to be treated like this!

I'm glad that you told her she has to make a decision. That's a first step. I'd put a timeline on it, too. Don't let her keep stringing you along. That being said, the chances of you "fixing" your marriage are slim. IMO, the ONLY way that could possibly work is if she:
- Told you she is 100% devoted to you, she will cut off all contact with him.
- Is completely repentant, feels shame and grief about what she did.
- Is willing to surrender her privacy (phone, computer, everything) in order to start rebuilding trust with you.
- Does not get angry or strike back at you for ANY questions you might ask about her affair, her whereabouts, thoughts, whatever.
- Completely accepts that she is at fault for this and will work hard to make amends.

If all of the above happens, you have a chance to make it work. If not, it will never happen. No trust, no marriage.

So unless she jumps on the full repentance train, and SOON, you need to walk away. For yourself, and yes even for your kids. Don't show them a beaten-down, depressed, used man for a father. Show them a father who stands up for himself and for what is right.

I'd also google "relationship 180" and get to work on yourself, and on changing your broken dynamic with your wife. Good luck!

Thank you steppingovertheedge!!
Sound advice. I try everyday to be the best father and husband I can be. When I am down my kids suffer and I hate seeing that. I keep telling her that I can’t change the past neither can she....so why don’t we start right this minute and focus 100% on us and our family!!!
I love my wife...always have... but you all are right that I need someone to love me back. It makes a person feel good when they are appreciated.

I can feel through the electrons on this screen how much you are there for your kids - kudos to you! That is huge! Be the best dad you can be. It's something I did while going through my divorce. I could barely function. I did the best I could for my daughter. I sometimes talked to her, briefly, about the hard times we were going through and made sure she knew none of this was her fault. It's just "adult problems" and it's unfair that she got caught in the middle of it. I'm sure she could see how much I was hurting (she was 8 at the time). I put on the bravest face I could and tried to have as much fun with her, and be the best parent, that I could. That's all you can do. Honesty and effort. Three years later we are in a pretty good place. She is not much of a talker but I think she knows how hard it was for me, and I think she knows I am always there for her and how much I do for her.

You have tried to be the best husband also, but I think that part is over for now. It's ok. Keep processing, it will take a little time. Just don't let yourself continue to be abused.

Ultimatum time: is she willing to drop this other guy and focus 100% on you and your family (with serious effort/sacrifice, as I described previously)? Short time frame: 1-2 weeks MAX for her to decide or you walk. Seriously, this is important and moving this along is going to be best for all of you in time. I already know the answer to this question, but you'll have to discover it for yourself.

You are certainly right that it feels good to be appreciated. You are not being appreciated right now. She might tell you when you do a nice thing or support her in some way that you are appreciated. But she's cheating on you, so... Actions, not words. Words don't mean shit. Evaluate her actions. Period. She's devastating you, emotionally, and she knows it. Is that how you show appreciation for someone?

Hang in there, push forward. Lean on the support here. I did. It helped a lot. Good luck!

It appears she will stick around under her conditions. If you can handle that emotionally then let it roll. If not find a lawyer and draw up some papers, Take control. Ask for what you want. If you want shared custody of your children ask for it. You should be able to claim one child as defendant and have your children every other week.

She is guilty and she knows it. She could likely sign what ever papers you put before her. You deserve way better and honestly as. long as you allow her behavior I don’t think she will ever leave and it won’t be out of love for you that she is staying.

Blessings and good luck
hippy

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It’s like, you want it all to end. You want to press rewind. Nobody ever warned you as a kid that life can take this kind of painful turn. I’m just truly sorry for your pain

Keep doing your part! You sound like a great person with a big heart. If she decides to come back, would you consider couples counseling? I've found Christian Counseling to be great help!

I am sorry you are going through this. I went through the dame thing last year where my ex claimed he loved me and the other girl. That did lead to divorce in the end. Luckly I didnt have kids involved. It is hard, we had a 12 year relationship. It seems to me that you have given her many chances and a lot of time to find out what she wants. I hate to say it but now it is time for YOU to do YOU and focus on you and the kids. As of right now you are just a doormat for her and you deserve better for she has been treating you this way for years and knows you will always be there when she falls. She needs to finally fall hard and realize what she is missing out on.

Always here if you need to talk.

I was in your shoes two years ago . And I’m still mad at my self for allowing it to go on . You have to know when it’s time to get out . I still remember the day I said that’s it I’m moving out it’s over . It took 8 months of her lies and her affair, to have enough. But I’m so happy now I did . Trust me there isn’t a day that goes past I’m not upset at my self for staying in that marriage. You have to accept it yourself , once you do , you will know what to do