Today I was doing so good. I was happy content. The kids went to see their dad for a few hours. They were actually excited to see him.
The last few days he has been texting me everyday to not go through with the divorce. He says he's changed. That he's a better person. I begged him for years to change but he never did. I can't trust him and I haven't ever really truly been able to trust him. There just has been so many bad things.
Today however all it took was one look from him and a smile. He was joking around. I saw a brief glimpse of the man I used to love. Thats what hurt like a bitch. One look and I want to crumble. One look and I wish he would hold me. One look and I just want to cry.
I'm pissed at myself that I let him still affect me like that. I hate that he still has control over me in that way. I haven't felt love to this man in forever. So I'm pissed that I feel this way.
I'm loyal to a fault. I have been separated from him for months. A couple of weekends ago my friend and I went out to the local bar . We meet some guys and wasn't ready to call it a night. One guy was constantly grabing my boobs, ass kissing down my neck when he said he wanted a hug. He would slap my ass. All these touches did nothing. My friend knows me and my past with my husband and the shit that happened before I was with him. She knows I shut down and freeze when that shit happens. So after awhile she stepped in and tried to stop it. It worked alittle. Another guy told me I need to just get back on the horse and end my dry spell. But anyway (sorry got alittle sidetracked). Even though Im not going to get back with my husband because of everything he has done, I couldn't go through with being with someone else. We are still married but separated and getting a divorce. I still couldn't do that to him.
He still has control over me. I just want my life back.
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