Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband of 12 years left me.
After our first child was born, he started lying about things to me. He wanted to stay out drinking instead of coming home to help care for our baby so he told me he was working late.
When my oldest was 2, he told me he had a crush on someone from work and they almost had sex. He said that our relationship was over and started emailing her asking her for divorce papers.
I made the mistake of trying to work on things for the sake of our kids. And because I still loved him and thought he was just hypnotized by the thrill of a new woman. We got back together and had another child. Of course, I love my children immensely, so no regrets there. But I never saw him truly appreciate that I made huge efforts to resolve things with him, being extra attentive to his needs and blunting my own for years.
We had a stable period for a few years but started fighting again 6 months ago. Our children are 4 and 8 now. I had been complaining for quite some time that I was having trouble feeling loved in the relationship. Whenever I made this type of complaint, he became angry at me. I told him countless times I needed compassion but he always construed it as an attack. In his defense, most of the nice things he did for me didnt feel like love to me because he was always blaming me for everything and yelling at me.
One day, he flew into a rage over me asking if he stayed 6 feet away from the water delivery man (ive been a little careful about covid) and angrily screamed at me that I was too controlling. I got angry that he was lashing out at me and told him he was barking at me like a dog. I left room.
That night, he apologized to me and made dinner. We were having a great family night and suddenly he started angrily screaming at me (after 5 drinks) that the whole problem in our relationship was that I did not like him. I tried to explain that that made no sense. Sometimes I liked him and sometimes I did not like him depending on how he was acting. He did not like this response.
He put the kids to bed and fell asleep in his clothes in the younger child's bed. I woke him up to change and get into our bed. ( I should have just left him alone.)
He changed and got into our bed. I said to him, I did not appreciate being yelled at at dinner. It was immature of you to blame me for everything in our relationship. He was angry and yelled that I am complaining and wont even apologize. I insisted that he could not say the whole problem in the relationship is that I dont like him because it was much more complicated than that and he became angry and would not respond to me, frowning indignantly. I told him to respond to me or I would pour a cup of water on his head (bad mistake). He continued ignoring me and I poured the water on his head.
He grabbed me and pushed me to the other side if the bed, getting on top of me. He choked me and then took the cup I had poured on his head and threw it directly into my face with great force. I was pouring blood out of a huge gash in my face (which is now a scar) and I told him to apologize. He said sorry but with no real remorse in his voice as if he thought I had deserved it. I called the police and they arrested him.
He lied to the police and told them I threw a cup at the back of his head. They checked him for marks, saw nothing of couse and then arrested him.
His friend bailed him out. My husband is a lawyer and could have been disbarred for the attack. I had no idea of this or that I couldn't just drop the charges. I called the police because I've always read thats the right thing to do if someone abuses you and I had never been hit by anyone before.
I cooperated with his lawyer and testified vaguely that I did not remember anything but I initiated the disagreement to help him get charges dropped. This made me massively uncomfortable.
After his charges were dropped, he made little to no effort to check on me or ask me how I was doing after he attacked me. Weeks before, I spoke to him and tried to help him get through his feelings and talked to him about praying to God. Now I was suffering PTSD like symptoms and felt fearful he might murder me. I told him about this and he responded with another lifeless, cold sorry.
I have tried to suggest we go to counseling. At first, he acted like he was interested. Then, he ultimately decided to just end things. He hardly responds to my texts suggesting we try to reconcile and seems to be playing video games and going out drinking a lot.
He feels like I should never have called the police and says his friends agree they wouldve snapped and at least slapped her if a woman poured water on them. He says my mom set a bad example for me because she fought with my dad a lot when I was a kid.. he also insisted I hit him with the water cup. (I really did not unless I inadvertently dropped it after I poured it but never intended to injure him and dont remember doing that.)
Im feeling pretty confused, unloved, abandoned and abused and now need to coparent with him. He wants to be friends but I feel super uncomfortable with this. I really loved this person and I feel just totally dumped like a piece of garbage.
Can you give me some perspective? I know I am not totally innocent here of course. I truly need to understand things so I can move on. I was married to this person for 12 years and he was my first boyfriend. We dated for 5 years before getting married too.
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
Do you think any of that is "love"?
Be glad that he is gone.
Get your own divorce attorney. Don't let him pick one for you, you can get your own. Two weeks ago, you posted about him and you were talking about how you wanted to do the child custody. You have the strength inside to do this.
I understand it is hard, and that you have been with him a long time. But you know also that you cannot continue living like this. He is capable of hurting you again (he already has), and probably attack your children, too.
Do you have family that you can stay with?
Please do keep you and your kids safe from this abusive guy. Let us know how you are doing. Best wishes.
I also wonder if he has a drinking problem. The blaming you for everything, flying into a rage over nothing...I've been there with my ex.
Please get away from him, for your own safety. Educate yourself on abuse, if you haven't. It is cyclical, so even if he gets better for a while, it will turn bad again, even if life appears to be perfect otherwise. DS has a physical and emotional abuse forum and a wives of alcoholics forum. You are not crazy. Many people have been where you are.
Your children are already being negatively impacted by this very unhealthy home environment. According to trauma studies, children experience trauma when they witness a loved one being harmed. In other words, they don't have to be the victim in order to experience trauma. When they see or hear him yelling and mistreating you, this is trauma for them. Children need safety and security, and your home is providing neither. Your job as their mother is to protect them.
I don't know if he is completely out of the home now or not, but the very fact that you both have access to the children means you'll have to interact with him. Whatever you do, don't protect him in fear of him being disbarred. He should be held accountable for his actions. It's your responsibility to make sure that the kids are safe if they are ever with him and you're not present. ANY harm to them (say, if he's drinking and abuses them) should become a legal matter. If at any point the children start acting different (withdrawn, sad, angry) or they cry when it's time to go be with him, this is a red flag. Find out why. And keep praying. There's always hope.
Physical abuse is easy to identify. It looks the worst...and when someone hits you, you can't argue with that.
Emotional abuse is hidden. It's an off handed comment, it's a criticism, it's control, it's conditioning your behavior, it's insidious.
You are not wrong for calling the police on your husband. I will say once abuse escalates into physical violence, and no intervention is done...it will continue to escalate in violence...b/c now your husband knows you will put up with it.
So by calling the police...you laid a boundary. That was the right thing to do, to protect you further down the line.
As for pouring water on him...it wasn't a good thing to do...but I can understand how at your wits end you felt. You take so much crap...day after day...year after year...until you explode. Then you do something that you don't want to do...but then you get the rage of a maniac. It's sometimes called reactionary abuse.
Many abuse victims put up with so much...and until they can't take it anymore....they snap and react to the ongoing violence (whether it be emotional or physical).
Did you grow up in a household where your father was not such a nice man all the time? Did he start fights with your mom, did she put up with alot of stuff? I don't know your mom and the circumstances...but if she was with a difficult man, and spoke up...that's not a negative thing. Emotional abusers will cite any example they can...to control and shame you. Don't buy into the bullshit.
Why does he behave this way? Well most people abuse...b/c they want to gain control. Control of situations, spouses, etc. How do they gain control...manipulation, confusion tactics, shaming, guilt, brain washing, lying...etc.
So, like myself, when I left my very emotional abuse relationship...I was confused as hell. Like what happened? Was this my fault...what if I did xyz? Well...you've been doing xyz...and he's still being HIM.
I'm sure you've held back, spoken up, tried to go with his wishes...and the how he ultimately treated you was the same.
Don't take the blame. Do accept that you did stay in an unhealthy relationship...but now you are going to make every effort to heal and grow from it.
He wants to be friends? I always laugh when abusers say this. Would you want to be friends with someone who treats his wife this way (someone who he should love and honor the most)?? I agree with how you feel about this.
I wanted to conclude and say...it's not your fault. It's not your fault for the way he acted. It was his choice, his personality, his character, and his words.
You can easily go abuse someone yourself...but why don't you do it? Bc you see it as wrong, unkind, and bad.
I would suggest you seek some counseling to help you thru the cognitive dissonance you are experiencing. To help you see what is ok or not ok in a healthy relationship. To help you work thru the brain washing.
Don't do what i did. Although he was the one doing all the harm, I carried it for him. I took on the guilt, the shame, the responsibility of his actions.
Put yourself first, set boundaries. It's not going to be easy...and I invested a similar amount of time in my ex as you did yours. 17 years in a relationship...is alot to untangle...and alot of grieve that comes along with it. There were good memories and moments...but at the end of the day...how does he make you feel?
Sending you light and love...you deserve much better and everything is not your fault.
My point is you aren’t alone and there is a lot of good advice here.
Get the hell away from him, move if you have to, I did. Do custody exchanges in public places, don’t ever let him in your home or be around him alone. Document everything he does or says that negatively impacts you or your kids. Seek legal advice and protect you and your children’s future. Focus on your kids first, then work on yourself. I am a few years removed from my divorce and if nothing else my child is doing very well and I have found peace.
Best of luck to you.