Your friend might have the realization of both the reality and the solution to the problem. Tell your friend that fear is the major stumbling block. If your friend has children, remember that they are learning the dysfunction very well. Children are avid students of the family dynamic even when the parties involved are living separately within the house without volatile encounters. The children will adopt that marriage is about living apart and with little love, compassion, communication and such....

Tell your friend that he/she is wise to listen to you.

this question is too general and should be more clearly defined so that we can offer simple, practical suggestions.

I'm assuming counseling was already tried and didn't work. I hate the splitting up for the kids sake...I know it applies, but it's just hard. For me my parents, stayed together for me...was the marriage awful no not by any means. Were there good times...for sure. Personally being selfish I guess I'm glad my parents stayed together for me. I think that made a huge difference for me growing up. I don't think I'd be the same person had my parents divorced when I was younger. But who knows. My parents sacrificed a lot for me...but isn't that how it should be? Sacrificing yourself for your kids??

Wish - I'm a list maker too. The difference may be that I do the things on my list and get satisfaction from checking them off.

Rman, this is just the best technique I know. Sometimes a lack of motivation is simply feeling overwhelmed. If you write down all the things that are in your head (all your to-do's) and start marking them off, that can help provide you with direction.

Lynne

Yah, I completely get where his friend is coming from. I felt I was doing the kids a service by staying. Once the situation was out of my control, and decisions were made for me, it was sink or swim.

I swam for about a year, and then chose to leave of my own accord.

It was a scary monster the first time, not knowing where you are going to live, not having money, etc. But things eventually work themselves out, and you gain stability. I am still not in a stable environment by my standards, but I have a plan, and I am getting there.

I started out this time, living in a building on base which had a cot, a fridge, and facilities. Then migrated to a room in a house for a feasible amount. I don't intend on stopping there, it's either a house, or apartment for me next, but that will be after all the assets have been divided up. Neither one of us are touching joint assets in a show of good faith, that neither wants to screw either over.

I agreed to a monthly sum of money that would allow my son to stay in the existing house, until he graduates high school. After that, he can come to me for money, and she will get whatever the courts decide she gets, for however long. My children are 17 and 22 however. It makes a difference.

Thanks, Jaken, for the clarification.

I would recommend that the two marital partners go to joint counseling so that an outsider can help them find the best ways of dismantling their marriage so that both remain financially viable, maintain their dignity, and can construct new, solo lifestyles where the children will have two stable homes for support.

If it is objectified, then, there are ways to make it happen. Sooner or later, the reality will have to be faced. At present, avoidance is taking too big a toll on too many.

As a kid, my parents created a war zone. They should have divorced too.

Jaken - And that's my point. I mean as parents we have have a huge responsibility when we bring kids into this world. It's a life. You hear people say, "Well, I'd take a bullet for my kids". Well would you? Didn't you ask for a divorce...so you kind of wouldn't take a bullet. Granted I'm talking high level and I certainly see in cases of abuse, etc where divorce for the kids is necessary. But not when the reasons are...I don't know not concrete as abuse. I hate that my parents raised me to be like that....bc I find it so hypocritical that they raised me like that, but they are now divorced. But at the same rate...I honestly don't think I'd be the same person I am today had they did get divorced.

I agree about sacrificing for the good of the children....BUT...I was a product of my parents staying together for the sake of us. None of us were dumb to their contempt, their resentment and muffled fights. So, what is the sacrifice if they are giving up their lives (happiness) for our sake? Should I say thank you? Me says....hell no. They played emotional warfare and tug-a-war during those *i want to forget* so called golden years.

My first two are a product of a divorce since they were young. They are happy and functional because they did not witness the silent wars. Did I prefer this route? HELL TO THE NO. Last Sunday would have been my 28th wedding anniversary with their father and as I went through the montage of that era in my mind, I am pleased that I took my children out of that dysfunction. They would have been very damaged.

Now, I face my life yet again, with another situation of raising a little one alone...mancub...was it my preference or did I rush to the divorce land? NO...I do believe in marriage and working through but, alas, he did not. So, I will strive to give my child a haven and not participate in negative reindeer games with the ex. The ex has estranged himself from mancub, but I will never bad mouth his father to him.

So....sacrifice, TO ME, means trying to rekindle the marriage instead of settling and being utterly unhappy. Couples can fall back in love unless there is abuse and situations that are hazardous to the family.

Okay....rant over.

so, you mean like me personally feeling like grabbing Jaken's ass, then actually grabbing Jaken's ass, and her of course feeling like slapping me for grabbing her ass, and then of course actually slapping me for grabbing her ass?

your jeans?

lmao!!!!!

The ironic twist? My parents divorced 6 years go....when I was 41! HOLY SHIT! We had to go through the stages with my mother and her ultimatums of us not talking to my dad......I had to tell her that I will speak to my father and if she disowns me, that we will miss her and that she will miss out on her grandchildren's life and that I was not going to play.

Okay....rant over from an adult that went through a parent's divorce before menopause....

oh the irony.,

woot

I hear the points. I echo Jaken's in that it's not about "us" anymore.

I mean it all depends on the marriage. I mean for me my parent's weren't arguing everyday. Like I said was their marriage awful no not by any means. I have plenty of AMAZING memories of family vacations where everything was good. Yes I do have some memories of my parents arguing...but did it scar me? I mean isn't that reality...are two people ALWAYS going to get along...no...but they worked through their differences. I've seen my parents argue than make up. That's just what I saw growing up...you work things out.