Honestly, the ex's that lurk around here make me fucking sick.

Find something else to do with your time.

DAB, everyone has their own story. You have yours, and I have mine.

I don't think Skwerl was especially brutal. He was not. But given that she realized she had made a mistake and wanted to reconcile, by then being too late, she was not like your ex DAB. She had hope and likely came here and found that hope dashed. I feel bad for her on that note.

This does not relate to LOLAs story either. Although I am really, really proud of her today. Wow, what growth!

This doesn't relate to Patti's story either.

This is how I felt when I arrived here and found my stbx's story. I did not violate HIS privacy by finding his open journals and comments here on this PUBLIC FORUM. He violated OUR privacy by putting thoughts and feelings here about our marriage, to which we were trying to fix, via a professional marriage counselor on this site and not telling me. I tried to be understanding that he could not talk to me about these things in person, or in the counselors office and felt more free to disclose his great disdain for me here and no where else. I tried to wrap my head around that and could not. Ultimately, it was my choice to end the marriage and yes, DS is/was a huge part of that.

This is an open plea to anyone, anywhere with hope of saving your marriage, relationship, love, family, or whatever. DO NOT COME HERE AND POST YOUR ANGRY THOUGHTS. IF you regret it one day, you have no one but yourself to blame. If you want to patch it up with your stbx, ex or whatever, don't post your journals and leave them open. Don't spend time here venting. If you want to save your marriage, spend time with the other person. Talk to THEM, not strangers. Risk vulnerablity with THEM, not DS.

Bridget, there are two sides (sometimes 3 sides) to every story.

The fact that this is a public site is very true. I'm sorry that your husband (STBX?) expressed thoughts on here that he did not express in MC. I can't answer for that. Only you and he can.

Sometimes, when two people have deeply entrenched positions within their marriage, they have no one else to turn to but forums like this one. Frustrations set in. Where do these people get to express their frustrations? Sometimes, expressing them to your spouse is like pounding your head on a brick wall.

So, then what, Bridget? Where do those people go? Do they just get to sit and suffer? Do they not have a right to express their frustration?

I think that's exactly what this site is for. And I think there is nothing wrong with that.

Bridget, I just don't understand what you would expect a spouse in limbo to do.

How is Skwerl (sorry to use you as the example) supposed to know his wife now suddenly had an epiphany? And if she's hurt by something he's written here, why should that change that epiphany?

I agree with securing your thoughts here in a journal marked only for friends. Be careful who you befriend here.

But the idea that I could not have a place to work through my thoughts while my wife kept me in limbo is unacceptable and I find my ex's lurking here to be an unacceptable breech of a personal boundary (public website be damned).

No DAB, no need to suffer. But please hear me. If you come here and vent, and your stbx (or whoever) finds it and it blows up in your face, it is not the fault of the lurking stbx. Its YOUR fault. You could get your own therapist, talk to your sister, your mother, your neighbor, your priest SOMEBODY ELSE. You don't need to post it on a public forum and then be upset that someone violated your privacy. Please tell me you see the craziness in that statement!

MY POINT IS: you cannot violate someone's privacy when you post your information on a public site!

I guess, ultimately, it depends on what the desired outcome for the relationship is. If you know your spouse would be hurt and you want the marriage to work, then use a bit of common sense and sensibility when you post/vent/journal. Counselors have a professional obligation to respect confidentiality and are trained to advise. DS-er have opinions and blab ;op. Both have their uses.

If, on the other hand, there is no hope or desire for the marriage to continue...aim to vent with dignity (for yourself and what was once, to you, a "sacred" union).

I think the place we're BEST to process this stuff is with a therapist and our most trusted friends.

having said that, I read often here that spouses don't have any friends, or no funds for therapy.

It's a matter, I think, of being between a rock and a hard place, of choosing between the lesser of two evils, and that any support forum is up there on the internet for years and years. This is not a medium without weaknesses and flaws of its own.

I can some spouses coming here and not giving a hell anymore about the feelings, respect for or consideration of their ex's. I also see those like me, and Skwerl who DO take their ex's feelings, whether they know we're here or not, into consideration.

We make the choices, if they hurt someone else, we just take responsibility for the best under the circumstances, not being the best for everyone.

Then do what you said DAB. Keep your journals locked. Keep your profile locked. Friend people you know, not just everyone who asks.

I will defend your right to express yourself here or anywhere. Just understand that it is public, not private. It's an oxymoron. Do you see that? You cannot expect privacy on a public site.

As for SKWERL, he asked for brutal honesty. I like him. He is one of my favorite nabbing buddies. But he asked. And I related to his wife on a couple of levels. Don't ask for an opinion, invite me to be brutally honest and then argue with me over the answer. (I realize it's you DAB, not skwerl who is disagreeing)

I am coming from a different place here. I watch what I say because I know my stbx is here. I don't want to hurt him. So, I do my best to be respectful. I rarely post journals, even privately. I have as much pain as anyone here. I have my own parts in the demise of my marriage as anyone. But I think he deserves respect. He is a human being. We have hurt each other. What I said, or what he said is immaterial, and ultimately, if made public, will likely help no one.

Just my 2 cents.

Skwerl, I understand it.

But how does where you post the thought or who you confide the thought with change the thought?

It doesn't.

Say it got back to the STBX that you confided with someone else on your business (i.e.--a sister or whatever).

What confidence would the STBX have in that relationship with the sister in the future? Whose "side" is she on? Know what I mean?

Again, I don't create posts very ofter specific to my situation because I did have a lurking ex.

But the fact is, when I post something here about her (not really that often anymore), it is as it pertains to my relationship with her. It's not about her daily life. It is my truth about my relationship with her. I'm sure she has her own truth (she's told it to me several times; and I do enjoy fiction). And when I express an opinion about her, it is my opinion; not some perceived breech of privacy.

I think there is a privacy issue here (lock your journals down and be careful about disclosing too much about your self personally), but the idea that there is not a boundary issue when ex's or STBX's come around is, at worst, a lie, and best, disingenuous. And yes, I work in technology, I KNOW this is a public site. That doesn't make it right.

If someone comes on this site stalking their stbx's/ex's as well as other internet activity and finds something about themselves that THEY deem to be unpleasant I don't feel sorry for them in the least.

As far as it being PRIVATE, the information here is posted anonymously. So unless someone comes on here and identifies themselves as Joe/Sally Smith from 123 East Main St, Somewhere, Kansas, and then goes on to trash their spouse it's still anonymous.

Nowhere in here did I see that skwerl was in the process of trying to reconcile

If you don't like what's written, stay away from your stbx/ex's activity. That invasion of his/her PRIVACY is far worse than them posting anything.

I'd like to hear more about how it's a matter of bad boundaries. I don't think it is healthy for a spouse to go see what their ex is doing/saying, but most of us have done it at least once, haven't we?

Hacking into a spouse's account, sure. But reading what they post publicly? where anyone and their brother can read it?

Good point Joy

Here's a thought:

How would you know your spouse is posting about you unless you took the time to perhaps, snoop around find out their username?

We don't post here under our real names. Someone would likely have to do the math to figure out the user name, no?

No boundary breeched there?

Skwerl has posted photos of himself.

Anyone who knows him, knows it's him.

Even you have photos on this site of yourself at meetups.

It doesn't require much looking.

I am listening to you DAB, I just don't yet get where any boundaries are breeched.

How does Skwerl's wife "know" it his him?

How? Unless he actually told her, I suspect other means were used.

Furthermore, she KNOWS he's here. No one makes her come here.

Again, rub the talisman of "this is a public site" all you like.....it's not less invasive.