My stbx - liked to fancy himself a Renaissance man. He could do it all. He liked (and still does) to beat the system. He had a saying about the "Great Unwashed" that he was better than the masses - not only appearance/physically but also in how he dealt with finances, life styles, etc. He'd look at other couples and say how much better we (meaning he) were looking as well.

He has a distinct difficulty apologizing or accepting responsibility for hurt caused to other (there must be something we did to bring it on). He's walked away from his children and does not call them or see them (still in school). He's insecure, at the bottom of it really doesn't like himself but would shout on a mountain top that he does -- and deflects blame towards others or life when he should take on some of this responsibliity of his own.

Reasons for losing or quitting his jobs (his female bosses); reasons for moving away to the OW (too much work to repair the marriage in counseling); reasons for not paying child support (I'll eventually get it anyway in the end); ----

These narcissists are truly sick and unhappy people.

So, okay, then what differentiates a NPD from a BPD? They seem to have some very similar or overlapping characteristics...It's all about them and their accomplishments (I was never asked about mine), about their looks (and even the importance of how I looked while together with them), competed with/not warm towward the children, what they wanted to do each day or how what I wanted to do affected their plans. Of course, at the time I was on intravenous sex and passion so that kept me in there....that's a good trade right? Your sanity for great sex? No?

Bi Polar doesn't have anything to do with NPD.

My friend has BPD and it's well medicated. Unmedicated she has episodes of mania that even involve seeing colors swirling together, she can't sleep, and is driven to DO something...anything. She just can't stop it.

Then she'd crash and it would be difficult to even get out of bed for days.

While it may seem that it's "all about her", it isn't something that she can control. It's like being on a runaway train, exhilerating, but terrifying too. I'll put it this way, being Superwoman is great, until you jump out the window and break both of your legs.

Borderline Personality Disorder. Not same as Bi Polar, right? Or is it?

BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. I wasnt with one but had an acquaintance who was. Its more often women than men, and its usually marked by some overly dramatic rollercoasterish behaviour marked by some pronounced ABANDONMENT issues. And yes, they often use great sex in order to create the attachment they need from you.

I highly recommend doing a perfunctory search on Google for differences between the two.

my mistake about the anagram. That's the thing about medicine, every combination can have multiple meanings.

but No, bi-polar disorder and borderline aren't the same either.

BiPolar:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder

Narcissistic:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

Borderline:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

With small variations, most of these are my story. Narcissists have a lot of traits in common, as do those of us who love them.

One thing this brought to my attention was the time in front of the mirror. In all the years, with everything else, I never picked up on that. Duh!! BTW, He's a Pisces~

I tried it, but I didn't like the way it felt so I just decided to mind my own business.

Oh, and Jaken, I'm slacking all day today and you can't have any of it, it's mine, all mine.

Actually Jaken you are totally right. It takes a professional to diagnose psychiatric disorders but I understand why those diagnoses are thrown regularly on DS. It is part of the dysfunction. It is another way of assigning blame and denying your own share of responsibility in what happened to you. This happened to me because he/she is a narcissist. I am the victim in the matter. You take that scenario to a psychologist/psychiatrist/counselor his/her goal will be to gently highlight the inconsistancies in your discourse and bring you to understand your participation in the situation. Unless you are a child, you always have a choice and can walk out. Your spouse may be an ass, but you can leave and not allow him/her to affect you. Most of us are not willing to acknowledge that in the aftermath of a breakup. If you are consistently the victim in your relationships, you need to look at your own self not the others. You are seeking those relationships because that is what you know. Until maladaptive behavior is corrected in therapy, most people reenact over and over again the scenarios in their past relationships (including home of origin). It is not always a conscious act. That's why people need the objectivity of a therapist to bring that to light. We all have characteristics of personality disorders. For instance, a healthy dose of narcissism is the same thing as having a healthy dose of self-esteem. Most of the people we are talking about are very selfish people who feel entitled to have anything they want at the expense of others. They became more so as time went by out of self-preservation. They have to justify their actions to their own self. Most of us do it too here. We live after all in a very individualistic society where "me" comes first. We all do it. When a relationship ends it is healthy to look at your own behavior (patterns). What is it that I do systematically with everyone? Some of those will be adaptive and some will not. I know I am going to get some flack too but I don't care. I share what I know to hopefully save some grief and time to others. By the way when people react violently to other's statements/ideas it is often because those words struck a cord in the reactive person. That means it is an area of conflict and a good place to start for therapy. A relationship is a give and take situation and there is nothing wrong with acknowledging your part in the dysfunction. We are human and there fallible. It is not necessrily a 50/50% ratio, but the relationship did not fail only because of one person. My ex cheated on me which precipitated the breakup but I realize now that it was only a symptom of whatever else was going on. It is complex, but it is desirable and healthy to question your own self. Seeing a therapist is a good step to take. Good luck.

Noor, you said....

"My ex cheated on me which precipitated the breakup but I realize now that it was only a symptom of whatever else was going on"

That is an amazingly brave admission here and I am proud that what happened with me is recognizable in another...

Thank you for your thoughful response. I sure have some grist for the mill this week thanks to you.

Sylph - we are actors in our own lives not mere witnesses. I played my part and he played his. I ignored some details and he did the same until it was too late. By then it was a huge pile of junk. In 21 years we never fought and that was wrong. Conflict is beneficial. It allows us to solve issues as they come. We did not do that. Couples who never fight usually never survive a blow like an affair. Of course, he did not have to cheat, but he did. He made that choice and he was wrong. Unconsciously it was probably to catch my attention because he never shared and he was desperate. I stopped sharing a while back because he never did and I had come to think that my way was dysfuntional. In my family we share it all. We fight like cats and dogs, but we love each other deeply. We are all very tight as well. We solve issues instead of shoving them under big rugs. In his family they just act politely towards each other. I used to dread family dinners because the atmosphere was so very cold and I used to react very nervously to it all. I would make very bad jokes to break the ice. We don't belong to the same culture and I thought their behavior was due to culture. I learned about the family secrets after I divorced of course. That would have been helpful. I conformed to preserve my relationship while I should have been my own self. I was wrong. Do I beat myself over it? No. I married young and I made the decisions I made with what I knew at the time. I do not regret anything. I have learned a great deal about human behavior through my own experience (therei s a lesson in everything if you keep your eyes open) and with the training I am receiving I'll be able to make a difference in others' lives. Recognizing your errors and understanding the underlying reasons as you perceive them (perception is unique) is the first step towards freedom. It is not a question of blaming yourself, but being honest with your own "self": I crapped and I must do something not to repeat past mistakes. We make mistakes. That's part of humanity.

So what happens when you have an ex that truly has been diagnosed? I understand that maybe few of us fall into this category, but Im working through this... I hate at times that my story is diminished because it is so sick and twisted. Trust me when I say I hate the fact that my ex has this label.

I had this problem.

Went to the vet, got a flea collar, and no more narcissistic personality disorder.

Just have to watch it and make sure the flea collar doesn't expire.

Namaste - If he has been diagnosed, he has been diagnosed... That is his problem not yours. What I have said does not diminish your experience. I know you have suffered and so have I. It merely highlights the fact that you have to look at your own self to heal and adapt. The danger in using someone else's diagnose is that you run the risk of hiding behind it to justify anything and everything wrong that happens to you. Humans do that all the time and it makes them feel powerless. If you do that, you will live up to that expectation. It's a self-fulfilling profecy.

Namaste

I join you in that too.

There is no doubt that my ex is, was while we were together, and was long before I met him - a sociopath (who is highly narcissistic).

I have no idea if other people's partners can be diagnosed with NPD or ASPD. I can only speak for mine. And I can speak for the undeniable results of all that emotional abuse.

To have talking about it diminished or poopoo'd only adds to the pain of the abuse I experienced.

Noor I respect your education and your compassion for those who may be undeservedly labelled with a personality disorder.

I hope, sincerely, with all my heart, that you do some reading or research or talking to your profs about how someone like a true narcissist or sociopath can damage a partner or a child. I say that, not only so that you might have some compassion for someone like me, but also because people like me are the ones who come to people like you looking for help. N's and S's rarely if ever do.

I wish, even now that I've finally accepted (not merely become aware of) my part in the dance macabre, that you could look at me and actually see or recognize who might be behind the nick and avatar.

We're the ones who take years recovering, some who dont make it because of suicide, being hospitalized, some being beaten or shot or stabbed to death.

This isnt merely because I dont want to accept my culpability. I have. But that doesnt diminish who I was with or how much damage I sustained because of him.