Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have been on and off with this one guy for almost six months now. I don't know, in the beginning of the relationship we were really into each other and it was just amazing. He even sent me 2 dozen red roses to my work. It was so very sweet. Our converations, just had no end. The way we think, the way we joke, just everything was great. We could talk for 8 hours in a day and still have stuff to talk about. I mean we connected so well with each other on so many levels.
However, my family being family, they had some concerns about him. I am not going to lie. He had about a half a dozen red flags and I did realize that. But at the same time, I know everyone HAS red flags. I know I do. Nobody will ever be perfect, but it's about accepting people's imperfections as well as their good qualities that makes things work right? I am not out to CHANGE anybody....
Anyways, I degress. (Maybe this should have been a journal instead). Anyways, I brought up my family's concerns to him and he wanted to end things because he felt my family was right and I was too "good" for him. I said that's not true and that I loved and cared about him. We fought and we broke up. I was upset and cried for days. And a couple of days later he called and apologized for over reacting. I tried to get back with him. Then my family and my friends all told me not to. My mom said anybody who is that quick to breakup and get back together is not a good sign for a future husband. My friends also think he's taking my heartbreak too lightly. To simply breakup and get back together like it's nothing is a sign of lack of committment and maturity. One friend was saying how for someone in his fourties, he's acting more like a high schooler who is scared. Almost everybody I talk to was up in arms and saying it's because I am too nice and too understanding and that this will only lead to heartbreak. To get out before it gets to deep. Some people at work even say that he's doing this to see how much he could push and get away with.
My family and friends mean the world to me yet I still I defended him to everyone. Needless to say it was taking a toll on me, and he saw this. So he decided to end things again. I mean I am defending him and standing up for him and my choice to be with him, and he ends things again? Seriously?
It's been about a month. I've been doing my own thing. Not doing okay with our break up so l I recently started messaging back and forth with him again. He responds quickly and he SEEMS almost like he was when we dated. But there's this wall he puts up that I am not used to and he never messages me first. Its always me starting the conversations. I mean it seems like he is moving on with his life. I mean he hasn't dated anyone since... yet... but I know he has admitted to looking. He has also admitted to still being in love with me. But it's confusing if we are friends or trying to be more. When we were having a friendly conversation, out of no where he says if we had met when we were younger we would be inseperatable and would have like 10 kids. Later he says because he has custody of his son now, he couldn't see me on weekends soon anymore. Like there's this sweetness and then this hard wall.
I don't know why, I know I should move on, but something in my heart and brain always pulls me back to him. I know this probably seems stupid and obvious, but I should probably give up right? Stop messaging him and holding out hope right? I mean why try with someone who obviously keeps giving up. I know these things yet why... why do I keep trying? I don't know what I hope to gain from this message board. Maybe I just wanted to rant some of my frustrations.
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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I would be concerned that even if you DID get back together, chances are very high he will just break up again at the drop of a hat. And you know you don't want to go through that heart break again.
It's always great in the beginning, with anyone. That doesn't mean anything for long term.
An imperfection is "he always eats from my plate" or "he has an annoying laugh".
A red flag is "he calls me demeaning names" or "he is an alcoholic/drinks too much/does drugs" or "he gets angry and/or violent with me".
So, does your BF have imperfections or red flags?
That's my biggest issue with him, he keeps giving up and then pushing me away. Even before we dated and we were just friends, we would get so close, and then he would push me away. I would get frustrated but give him his space. Then he would contact me and we would be right where we left off. Its like every time things go well and we get close, he freaks out and suddenly puts up a wall. Then for some dumb reason, we are unable to keep out of touch with each other long, we talk again. Which is my friends' issue with him.
Yard Eggs, I guess that's one of the red flags I am talking about. I know he had a bad marriage and had a hard time breaking up with his last ex, so I try to be understanding. But this back and forth is wearing me down, mentally, but my stupid heart always misses him.
The other red flags is even though he puts up these walls, when we are dating, he is a RUSH to move forward. A month into the relationship and he wants to talk about me moving into his house... No. Or talks about if we got married. These kinds of red flags. Hot and then cold. Hot and then cold.
As for the other red flags you named, he has none of those. He doesn't like drinking and forget about drugs. He has never been violent to me and never demeans me. If anything he has been saying how he can't believe how kind I am and amazing it is I make the people I am around comfortable and at ease around me. He mentions little things I do that most people don't notice. But major red flag that he keeps pushing me away, dumping me and such. The heart can only take so much pain right?
Not going to put all the blame on him, however. You keep taking him back. Hoping it will be better, believing what he promises. Actions always speak louder than words - don't forget that.
I think you *should* look around and go out with someone else. Sometimes, some women stay with a boyfriend who is not great, until they meet someone else who IS great to them. Then they forget all about that last guy.
I have tried to be patient and understanding of his scars, but I don't think I can do this anymore. I tried to be there for him and be that person he can always trust and count on, but I think I need to think about me. That and I'm starting to feel like I'm trying to revive something that is already dead.
I don't think I need to go out and look for someone right now. I usually take a little time after a break up to "cleanse" my heart. Unless the guy literally meant nothing to me. But I don't want to rebound.
Thank you. I think this really helped. As much as I love my friends, sometimes its harder to talk to them then to strangers to help clear your head. That and you get more advise and less kind platitudes. Thank you again.
Your profile says you are in your mid 30s. I am just curious why does your parents and friends approval mean so much to you in regards to you picking a guy, especially when the relationship is so very new and *you* are still finding out and figuring out, about your new guy first?
Go with your gut on this one. Do you feel happy and content with him, or more nervous and stressed? Weigh the pros and cons of being with him.
When I was with him I was happy and content. But now when we talk.... Well I obviously it is pointless. If he's always trying to break things off like this, how can we handle anything more serious. This is the beginning of a relationship, the happiest part and he hears one somewhat bad thing and breaks it off? What happens if something more serious happens? He would run away again. At this age, I need someone I can rely on and depend on. Someone who will be encouraging , not someone I have to worry about will dump me again. It just hurts. I never connected with anyone like this.
Since I see that your family and friends' approval means so much to you when picking a guy, have you offered to have them set you up with a guy for you to date? At least then they can't complain! :)
It is completely understandable for you to miss him. However, ask yourself are you really missing him or the idea of him? I was in a really bad relationship for a long time, my family disapproved of him and was right to. I knew that and I think because I was working out some issues with my dad, i used the fact my Dad hated him as a way to stay in it. The truth was I didn't really want to stay in it with that guy because he didn't treat me right and it was very toxic, but I was afraid to be alone. I still struggle with being alone, this is the first time I have been alone in a long time and it's only been eight weeks, which isn't terribly long. I realized though finally that being alone is better than being with someone just for the sake of being with them. When I did struggle with being alone or another guy didn't work out, I always went back to this guy because he was always there. But, I finally realized that's how he manipulated me, he knew I had trouble being alone so he always stayed available in some sense. I thought if he had a new girlfriend, that would put up boundaries for both of us but it didn't for him, he still tried to make himself available in some way to me. I ran into him a few weekends ago and he hit on me in front of his girlfriend, I just felt bad for her. But, I no longer needed him in any sense I realized. I wanted nothing more than for her to get him away from me because i knew he wouldn't stop. The point is a lot of times guys will use your own insecurities against you. I am not saying that is what this guy is doing. But I have to say he does sound manipulative. I didn't want to listen at the time but my family was right. Now, his family also disapproved of me and his brother even said that he was "choosing me" over the family, which was not romantic at all. He wanted me there as his to own in order to escape some of the burdens his family put on him. I don't think he ever had anything that was really his so he saw me as that, but I wasn't, he didn't own me. We both were working things out about our families. But when I said to him once, "our families are right, we are not good for each other" he said "it doesn't matter what our families think, it's just me and you" but that isn't true, it's not realistic nor mature. Our families opinions just like yours do matter and do have some weight on the subject. It may be wise to just slowly start to see what else is out there. I am not telling you what to do. But as you said, you know the red flags are there, so you know what you are getting yourself into just like I did to some extent. However, I have to say I thought I could keep it casual but I got in way too deep because I ignored the red flags and it almost felt too late to get out. You don't want that to happen. You'll figure out what the right thing to do is. Also, if he has a son, how is he as a father? Has he integrated you into his life enough to meet the son? It can't be one sided, he has to be willing to put in the work as well.
Your family and friends are offering you an objective opinion of the guy. Really, what do they care - other than wanting the best for you? When a bunch of people you trust go out on a limb and tell you, "I think your boyfriend is an asshole," there is a better than average chance that your boyfriend actually really is an asshole.
You'll tell yourself "no one's perfect," "you should love people for who they are." You'll ignore that you've broken up before.
You're playing with the fire.
It'll become like a drug to you. The highs and the lows. The breaking up, the getting back together. The chase, the fight. But this isn't true love, and you already know that deep down. It gives you a high like no other, it sends you over the moon and then plumitting back down. You get your hit here and there. It turns into a drug and your family watches you hurt yourself over and over again. You get out of it and realize how much you're hurting them too.
You're about to waste valuable time in your life that you can NEVER get back. You're about to send yourself on a painful roller coaster ride where the landscape never changes.
You know better.
I can say this because Ive done it myself.
It's a choice. In your future you WILL wish you chose better. You'll wish you left when you got the first chance.
The question to ask yourself is - is this a lesson you want to learn the hard way?
As for an update. I stopped talking to him for awhile and deleted him from my phone. Continued on with my life. snflwrgrl, I have turned to prayer again and joined a new church. I still pray God will lead me to where I need to be. I have been putting in extra hours at work. Then out of no where, last week he texts me "I love you". Almost a month of silence and then that. I asked him what was his intentions were after weeks of silence, He said he doesn't want to be with me, he was quiet because we needed and still need to "wean" off of each other but felt it was important for me to know he still loves me. I wished him a happy Thanksgiving. I told him we can be friends because I still care for him, but did not want him romantically in my life anymore. It was just too hard for me when we did end things. SO I am moving forward. Thank you everyone.