Even though your husband brought this up for discussion only a month ago, it is certain that he has been thinking about it for longer. How much longer is unknown, but be assured that he thought about it quite a while before saying anything to you.

So I think he has had ample time to determine which route he wants to pursue. If he is still ambivalent, you may have to shake him out of his status quo. Let him know that if he is not part of the solution (actively working to improve the marriage), he is part of the problem. If he doesn't want to pursue counseling and he doesn't quite want a divorce, suggest a legal separation. That is a decisive action that compels him to make a decision.

I suggest this route because if you don't repair the relationship now, once the teenagers are out of the house in a couple of years, you may find yourself living with a complete emotional stranger. Don't kick yourself for wasting precious years with a man who has no intention of being "married" only because being married is more comfortable than being divorced.

Good luck.

I agree with @Yard_Eggs.

Your husband has been thinking about this for a long time. It takes a lot for a guy to tell you that he is done. Guys usually take a long time to decide to say those words.

And, you can't waste away your precious time and life, waiting to see what HE wants to do. This is your life. He said those words to you, so okay... now YOU will make a decision about YOUR life.

I suggest you consult with a divorce attorney. You are going to need to know what to do now. Just go for one consultation. You'll need to get your finances in order, have your own bank account, find out how much spousal support money you will receive, will you get half of his retirement money, and what happens with the house. Just to educate yourself. You are entitled to a lot, so don't sell yourself short at a time like this. You will need that money to live on.

I know you must be broken hearted and confused and in shock now. But you're going to have to pull yourself together and start taking actions.

If he's out, he's out. You can not change his mind. But you have total control over what you do now.

Because, he obviously has taken actions. Time for you to start taking actions now, too. Do you have friends, family you can talk to at a time like this? If you think you need therapy, go ahead and do that, too. Get a support system together.

You can do it. You will be okay.

Thank-you for your thoughts. Daunting when I am so heartbroken.

I start counselling next Friday and my parents are very supportive. Saying the same as you both have mentioned.

I keep clinging to hope. He has abandonment issues from his childhood and he thought that I wasn't in love with him anymore so he created this narrative in his mind that I would leave him (although never discussed this with me). Eventually, he says he let me go in his mind and lived his life just for him and found happiness without me. Now he says he is confused me telling him how much I love him and would never leave him.

But still... shouldn't he know whether he wanted to at least work at it or not? ugh

So sad. Really not sure how to get through this.

I understand that he is saying this (as an excuse), but a lot of people with abandonment issues (a very common issue for a lot of people) have successful, life long relationships. Plus, after over 18 years together, then abandonment is not the real reason he is acting this way. So, don't make any excuses for him and his behavior. He needs to show that he wants to fight for this marriage and his kids.

Sometimes the other person will just say anything to explain that they fell out of love, or maybe they have been talking to someone else, etc.

I'm glad you're going to start counseling. Has he expressed any interest in going to counseling as well? You could even present it to him that the counseling is for his - abandonment issues.

Just saying... don't let him try to blame you for any of this. You did nothing wrong.

Have you considered separation? Time apart will really show where things lie between you two.

I can only imagine how shocked and upset you must be. I get it. I am just saying that you need to get things together and you can't wait around for him to decide your life.

Thank-you. He definitely blames me. I really don't feel like I deserve it. I am 100% committed to him, our marriage and our family. He is the one who is not sure anymore.

Appreciate your insight!

I wondered if he is trying to "let you down easy" which is never helpful really. Now you have all these feelings from the anger to the fear. Sometimes people know what they want but decide to wait until after Christmas so the family isn't so disrupted. If this were me at my stage of life and having gone through a divorce that I initiated, I might try telling him you want a set date night every week to rebuild the friendship. Its hard during covid but maybe even a long walk together or going to a motel to have alone time and intimacy time. I'd also get myself to a good family law attorney for divorce advice. You have to know your obligations and rights before you can make wise decisions. If I wanted to save the marriage, I would insist on couples counseling. But with a partner who is never home and refused to even have eye contact with me, I would suspect he isn't interested in saving the marriage.

Where does he go when he is rarely at home? I'd do some snooping or hire a private detective. My ex thought I was so stupid that he never deleted his text messages or password protected his phone. So I snooped and found out he was meeting women in bars and then I finally noticed he was not coming home until about 5 am some mornings. Huh. My ex still doesn't know I knew but this is what made me wiser and more self protective.

Of course he blames you. Blaming you allows him to take himself off the hook. If you haven't been in touch emotionally with him for a few years, and intimacy is bad, and yet he hasn't tried to fix this except blaming you. Stop blaming yourself unless there is truly something to blame yourself for. Consider that he is trying to get the upper hand here by blaming you. He makes you feel less than by blaming you. And if you feel less than, and if he wants a divorce, then by having you feel less than and self blaming, he may think he will get more in the divorce - have the upper hand over you.

Now is the time to be real with yourself and see both him and yourself in reality. Has he always been self absorbed and pushing you away? Or have you been this way and expected him to not become unhappy. I am not blaming you, I am trying to get you into self protective mode and into being willing to change if this is a good man who needs more emotional connection or intimacy with you. But again, if this is a man who is selfish and self absorbed and has a chick on the side, I might consider that a divorce might actually free me from the constrains of always trying to please the unplease-able.

He is a good man and I totally believe him when he said there is no other woman. He is currently working a full time job and then working on renovation on our rental property, so I know he is very busy. It's just that with his free time, he is choosing to go out drinking with his two best friends, who are recently newly divorced. And he thinks it is ok to just not come home rather sleeps at his buddy's house cause he wants to drink and not drive drunk. Of course I don't want him driving drunk...I just see him reverting back to a bachelor state of mind. His priority is not his family. He has not spent any time with us in over two weeks. I feel terrible for my daughters cause I imagine it is our situation he is avoiding, not them, but they are stuck in the middle.

I am definitely working on me and I am doing everything I can think of to show support and love to him. I think he has just lost the love for me and is working through so much emotional trauma it has triggered that he doesn't trust how he feels. Isn't ready to separate but isn't willing to commit to trying either. I want to be supportive and understanding but it is killing me. I love him so much and don't want to lose him but it is also so hard on me that he doesn't want to try. I have asked him many times if we could spend time together, go on "dates", I bought relationship cards to work on together. So far no response.

Take your time -- both of you. Do not rush to decisions, there is no such thing as "wasting" your life. One day at a time, there is no silver bullet and the grass is NOT greener anywhere but possibly within you to begin to love your self regardless of all else in the world (a counselor will help you do that, as will mindfulness techniques, but you must ask a counselor for that kind of help - you have to tell a therapist what you hope to work on.)

A true and permanent divorce will hurt like nothing you have every experienced -- which is not to say don't do that, but rather to slow down and get support through counseling. You can ask a couples counselor to help you two separate -- if that is what you decide to do. A counselor WILL help the two of you reach that impossible conclusion if that is what you need help with.

My therapist -- when I was going through my divorce of a 30 year relationship where we had 2 kids 5th and 8th graders -- told me that every single couple our age was going through the same exact crisis.

We loved, we had kids, we made sacrifices and now we feel unhappy and resentful (blaming each other for our own unhappiness) -- not sure what will get us unstuck. EVERY COUPLE middle aged with kids is in this spot. It's not like there is a "happy" trail out -- staying together brings its own rewards and suffering, as does breaking up.

One shock of the divorce and subsequent division of parenting the kids is I suddenly had a free week of time, alone time, to do what I wanted with. This went in both great and terrible directions... some new friends, dancing, parties... some alone sadness and depression and fear.

Could my ex and I have become unstuck from our depressions without a breakup? I really don't know. At the time I was just so so stuck and our relationship seemed to keep us stuck. A trial 6 month separation could be a good "reality check" -- move out but agree to come back. Talk over the goods and the bads while apart. Can life together allow for the goods (more freedom, more privacy, more rest...) and reduce the bads (isolation, depression).

Opening up a marriage is now truly acceptable and folks are coming to understand that one person can not meet every single need -- nor should we put that kind of pressure on ourselves (because we set ourselves up for failing our partner) nor should we expect it of our partners (we set them up for failure).

Oh truly know that you are not alone, we are all out here struggling with this identical crisis. Hold on to your self worth... that is essential. You are worthy and lovable.

Two contradictory points. First, I think you have to do a little snooping, not sure what this "project" outside the house involves. Does he freak out if you happen to look at his phone for example.
That said, women tend to do a lot of commenting about men, but it sometimes goes one way. I would ask if there are things bothering him, and let him be honest.

I think it depends on you, you have to provide insight for him, he has to realise his mistakes. You also need to fix yourself where you need to, and try marriage counselling together. All the best.