Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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rhija91 07/21/2015

I'm 23 just went through my first love which was probably the most messed up situation. I've always been a good person; put everyone before myself but sometimes things happen. I made a mistake; at this point im not sure if i would take it back or not. I mean I learned a valuable lesson from it. It started a year ago, I began hanging out with a friend who wanted to reconnect from elementary school. Of course her fiance and me clicked.. he came to me telling me how miserable he was and how he didnt want to marry her and would find a way to get out of it. I kept talking to him trying to be a good listener. of course we began texting everyday. She then looked on his phone account and accused us of cheating, She ran to his parents house who love her and started rumors that we were sleeping together. So from there things blew up; his mother called my father calling me all sorts of names; she messaged me on facebook calling me all sorts of names and insults. Let me also add that he has two young kids with her. His mother called me names told me that she hoped that when my mother left me that i cried like her grandkids are. So from that push he ended things with her.. stayed living with her until he could afford to move out and began seeing me. While he was seeing me his ex was constantly going through his phone deleting my messages and even once called me. She called me off his phone telling me i was a cunt and she wanted me to die. She would gps his phone and also check his credit card transactions. We were together for 8 months when i noticed him acting strange. To shorten the story I found out she told him it was me or the kids so he got back together with her. I tried to leave; maybe its because im young and naive but he kept showing up at my house and calling me and getting me back into his life. let me also through in that hes cheated on her multiple times. He ended up cheating on her for about 6 months until this last week. In this 6 months I also found out she had started planning the wedding again. He told me at one point that he told her he didnt want to get married so i assumed the wedding was back off. so again i continued to see him up until last week. I found out the wedding was still on.. as mad and as hurt as i was i texted her letting her know he has been cheating on her the whole time and making me believe he was leaving her. She texted me back telling me that shes been with him for so long that she knows his games and didnt care. To end the story he got married on Saturday because he felt like the right thing to do was keep his family together. however beforehand he was texting me on friday trying to make plans to see me after the wedding. I asked him if he was gonna marry her only to keep cheating and he replied that if he tried to have sex with me id probably say no so it wasnt cheating. He also told me cheating was wrong and he was done doing it.

So after spending a year trying to make a relationship with this kid he married someone who he wasnt even happy with. As everyone has already told me; he was using me.. I always try to see the best in people and even still have a hard time believing it. but he literally used me up and spit me out. He was not the nicest person to me but I still loved him and knew he cared about me.. but apparently not enough to leave her. I'm so hurt and feel used. Is there any good people left in the world? I feel discouraged and feel like I failed. I gave everything I had to make this work and he gave nothing in return. He got back together with his ex and got engaged again without telling me but i still continued to trust him.. I feel like a fool; a complete idiot. I know i deserve better than that but its so hard to let go. Its my first love and I wanted things to work out so badly. Now I wonder how long until he tries to come back again? when will he start showing up at my house? I talk to him everyday and the hardest part is losing that.. i dont know who to talk to. he was my best friend and the person i loved and he betrayed me. I have never felt more betrayed... and still on top of that almost everyone knows he was cheating on her.. but yet Im the one to blame.. he gets none of the brunt. Even the brides mother knew he was cheating but still supported the marriage... I just don't get it. Doesn't anyone have morals left? I mean maybe I cant see it because I dont have kids.. but who wants to teach their kids that that is a normal relationship? I just want to get past the hurt and betrayal and move on with my life but I feel stuck in this stage.

I know this was a long post.. but anyone who reads this I thank you... I just need to get my story out.. sometimes writing it out helps a little of the pain to go away

pinkrose28 07/21/2015

I think you should make an actual list of every single event you can recall as to the ways he hurt you listening actual examples and events. Post this up in your kitchen, in your bedroom, and your living room. If you feel yourself missing him and idealizing those good moments and forgetting the reality of the things that occurred that should be a reminder. Many times I do think a lot of people feel so alone and hurt after loosing someone they were with that they sit and focus on the things they will miss even if 90% of the times were bad they will look at the 10% that was good. I myself have done that before and living in reality and being forced to acknowledge the truth was hard for me.

Anyone who can cheat this easily will continue to do so throughout their marriage. I don't know him but my money would be on that. Imagine being married 10 years and finding out he has someone else on the side? imagine having children with him and having to break up your family because of things like this? his current wife chooses to accept his behavior but ask yourself if over a lifetime you actually could. She may have her reasons for staying I don't know but can you imagine she is truly happy inside? do you feel she has the kind of love she imagined for herself when she was younger? would you want to make the sacrifice she did? sometimes hurtful things happen to prevent you from even more pain later in life.

serenityspeaks 07/21/2015

Wow what a mess. I just don't think either of you girls need him. But he does have a strong bond to her because of kids and personally with their engagement from the start i think you should of not messed with him. Sounds like complete drama.

Find someone who can give you 100% He sounds like a liar, a cheater, and just not worthy. Of course its painful but given their back and fourth stuff he will never be fully their for you. You deserve more than that.

lookingforclosure 07/21/2015

"Players only love you when they're playing" - Fleetwood Mac

How long until he comes back again, showing up at your house? My bet is too soon. You don't need this guy in your life, and his wife is heading toward new hurt. I would also bet that if he were to man up and call off the wedding, to be with you, presumably...not far down the road you would catch him cheating on you with her. He has a pretty serious character flaw.

If I were you, I would work on locking him out of your life before you get hurt worse than you already are, and become the scapegoat more than you already have been for his lack of commitment to any relationship.

stillthelady 07/21/2015

@rhija91 I'm sorry to hear this happened but as you already acknowledged you've "learned a valuable lesson from it." One of the most famous quotes from Maya Angelou says, "When people show you who they are believe them". It's honorable to want to believe everybody is "good people" but the truth is everybody has some not so good qualities to work on. That's probably the hardest truth for any of us to accept especially about ourselves. This guy has shown you that he's a liar, cheater, manipulator, and self-centered. This whole mess he initiated was for his own good pleasure. You have to ask yourself if that's the type of person you want to be connected to. You choose everyday how you let others treat you. Also consider the choices you made that brought you here. What could you or should you have done differently? I know the hurt and disappointment is real. But the quickest way to move on is to focus on you becoming wiser and better because if you don't it won't be long before you're back in the same situation except he'll have a different name. Learn this lesson while you're young and you can save yourself from a lot of drama the rest of your life. You get to choose who you are and who you will become everyday.

gem111 07/21/2015

The simple lesson from this that would have saved you a bunch of heartache would have been

When a girlfriends, bf, fiance, or whatever comes to you and starts complaining----they are playing you, they want an affair, they will also do it to everybody they hook up with. At this time, a HUGE, HUGE, red flag goes up and you run the other way. I feel so sorry for the girl who took him back. If she stays with him, she will have a life of misery.
If you even talk to him again, you are asking for trouble as it seems you don't love yourself enough to say No.

I hope you will wait for someone who will truly love you, and is not
just using you.

rhija91 07/21/2015

I have learned a lesson from all of this. i just wish the heartache would go away. I put all of my trust in this person and they betrayed me. Saturday was the wedding and this morning he "accidentally" sent me a text message. I just replied with wrong person and didnt respond to his reply. Sometimes I hate her so much but I also know that I just want someone to blame and I am blaming the wrong person. I just want so bad to believe that he is a better person than this and it hurts to realize the truth. I almost pity her for staying with him. He was no respect for her and walks all over her. but she at the same time does him. He makes good money; they have barely any physical relationship. I have from the beginning and still believe that she does not love him but rather wants him to take care of her. Being with him she does not work and just sits at home all day while he pays for everything. I keep wanting to tell myself that he would treat me different than her because i do believe he actually cares about me. but probably in the long run i would end up in her boat. Neither of them actually seem truly happy with being with each other but neither of them want to change it. He was also told me that when shes mad she brainwashes the kids to be nasty to him. He wanted her to leave him. At one point he asked me to take a selfie with him and send it to her. I told him to grow up and do it himself. The whole situation is just sad. Her family even knows that he was cheating on her and her mother said all the matters is that they are working it out. Again I have no kids but if i did I would ever in a million years want my daughter with someone who has continually cheated on her

refurb 07/21/2015

is it possible you were fooling yourself from the get go?

rhija91 07/21/2015

very possible. Ive seen him lie before.. hes scary good at it. I still love the kid and I know he cares about me. I guess I just thought it would work out. If I tried hard enough it would work out.. well guess I learned that it takes two people to make things work, not just one. I just feel hopeless.. I always end up with not so nice guys.. Is there any good ones out there? I'm tried of games

refurb 07/21/2015

by fooling yourself form the get go, did it not occur that a person in a relationship that is confiding in someone not in the relationship is violating trust?

by continuing to "support" that guy, you were being deceitful, if the situation was reversed between you and you girlfriend would you find "her" behavior to be acceptable?

rhija91 07/21/2015

I would never make excuses for myself. I have learned from what I did and never want to be in that position again. I can completely understand why she would not like me. However when I am getting completely all the blame for something that he also pursued. There were times when I tried to leave him like when i learned he was back together with her. He showed up at my house..my work. Yes I was weak and gave in eventually, its hard to leave someone who's doing there best to keep you. He's spent his whole life learning how to get his way and when he doesnt he's not nice. At one point he asked me if i wanted to see him and i said no and he called me a cunt for it. There was one time he wanted to see me and I said no and he told me he was gonna show up and my work and smash my car windows out. Hes never been violent in any physical aspect but he throws tantrums when he doesnt get his way then he feels bad and does anything to get back on your good side.

refurb 07/21/2015

well good for you, you've decided that you'd rather choose a better path for yourself
since you were the one not in the relationship it will be easy for him to portray himself as the victim of you chasing him
people tend to believe what they think the know...and usually they don't want to know different regardless of whether different is the real truth

lookingforclosure 07/23/2015

The things he tells you about his relationship with her are lies to string you along. If he thought his relationship with her was so bad, why would he marry her? He tells you only what he wants to tell you to groom you. He is most likely telling her the horrible things about you he doesn't have the guts to tell you, because he doesn't want a real relationship. I worry for his marriage, but, again, I hope you stay far away. The fact that he would call you nasty names for not doing what he wants shows how pathetically immature he is. Don't put yourself in the position to be a scapegoat for his behavior any more than he already has.

rhija91 07/23/2015

Thank you. It just hurts so much to know that someone you trusted can act like this. I pity the girl that married him and his kids. They will never go up in a good environment

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