I am just going to dive right in.

During quarantine, my husband and I have ended up deciding to separate. We got married very early into our relationship so that we could stay together and he wouldn't have to go back to his home country. This caused tons of strain on our relationship; we didn't know each other hardly at all (I naively thought we did), we had only lived together 2 months before marrying, I was young (22), and basically he had never in his life planned to be married. He probably would never have gotten married if he hadn't "had" to, but it was still a real relationship. He just basically all throughout the marriage told me he didn't really care about being married/he didn't want to be married, that marriage is just a paper, meaningless etc. I on the otherhand always considered us a married couple even though we did it early, because hey I wouldn't have done that if I planned on getting a divorce. I thought he felt the same, but I quickly found out he didn't think of marriage the same way as I explained. So, his level of commitment to us is something we've been fighting about this whole time. He also hardly ever says he loves me. He's told me he's not in love with me, but he does care about me and love me in that sense. Huge red flags I know. But it is extremely hard to just leave and divorce someone. You guys must understand. So I just dealt with our differences in perspectives (aka feelings!!) for the past 2.5 years that we've been married. I kept thinking he would come around, he kept thinking I would stop caring if he was committed or not and just learn to live in the moment. He thought we fought too much, which we did, but he doesn't recognize his issues with commitment. He's had breakups with 3 serious girlfriends before me, each of which he dated for 2-3 years each. Basically they broke up because he wasn't interested in ever getting married. That's probably what would have happened with us had we not gotten married for other reasons. He never got me a nice ring, he never wanted to have a real wedding. He treated me well in a bunch of ways but I'm coming to realize it's just because he cares about me, not because he wants to really be my partner. He's said thiis exact thing. He has said recently that he doesn't see a future for our relationship or with me, he sees me more as a friend, he's just really nice and respectufl with me because that's just how he acts always. That's something I love about him, yet it's something I've always interpreted as proof that he does love me (and to this he says I'm confusing being in love with just caring about someone). He knows I deserve to be with someone who actually loves me/has in-love feelings for me, and truly wants to commit to me. My husband's current idea of the perfect life is having no commitments, moving from city to city working in bars. He says he doesn't want a married life, that he hates routine and it's like a burden to him to have to eat with the same person every day, etc. etc. Yes, he's 31. I don't understand why he'd rather be alone but maybe he just hasn't found the right person yet. All this has really come to light during quarantine because usually we have opposite schedules, and now we have a more "normal" home life where we see each other and have to cook and eat together. It's also just made us see we are mismatched. After many more arguments we finally decided to actually break up. We've talked about it so many times before but it never got to the point of actually happening.

The thing is, now we are trapped living together while having to mourn the relationship. It is torture. I am in pergatory until I can move out. I am arranging to move across the country back to where my family and my close friends are. I think it's what I need right now. And he'll stay here. I feel horrible picturing leaving him alone in our apartment. We are both starting to feel really sad picturing never seeing each other again. I've been making him tea and coffee almost every day, and he does for me too. And now, what, I'm going to be living with a friend, I can't dote on her or take care of her so attentively like I do him, I'll be alone essentially. Just like that, I'm losing my partner. Things weren't perfect, we were mismatched, etc. but that doesn't change the painful fact that both of our lifestyles are going to change the instant I step out of the door. Just thinking of having to book the plane ticket is overwhelming. Once I do that, then I'll have to count down the days. Then the night before my flight will come, and we'll both be crying. Then the day will come, how will I not just cry all over the uber to the airport? It will be a nightmare. I am so afraid of sadness, because I feel sadness so immensely it's like I'm drowning. I just am still in shock at the fact that I'm losing this life we have together, all the memories we made are for nothing, all the times we went to Ikea and little stores to get things to build our home and our life together--leaving them all here, they were all for nothing. Now I'm just starting from scratch, again!! I've already had a bad breakup like this before, with an ex-boyfriend who I lived with (for less time but still). I am tired of starting over. I don't want to start over! I don't want to re-invent myself, I loved the life we had cultivated. I loved the partnership we did share. He always treated me so respectfully, gently, thoughtfully, why should it matter if he didn't feel true love toward me? Why should it matter if he didn't want a future with me, when the day-to-day was enjoyable? Yes, things were only enjoyable if I made sure not to bring up any serious/stressful matters like money, or commitment, or mental health (something important to me to talk about and he didn't understand it at all). But in the regular day-to-day life, we were a good partnership.

How can I just stop taking care of someone so suddenly, act as if I have no responsibility to them, act as if I never met them and just live a single life again? I get that people say it's a slow transition, but how is it slow? One day you're married and you're in the same home that you built together, and the next day you're out on your own, on a plane, in your parent's house, no commitments whatsoever?! He's not just a boyfriend, he was a husband, he was family. How can I willingly leave someone I consider family? I just can't wrap my mind around it. Suggestions very welcome! My heart goes out to anyone going through a divorce for a marriage longer than mine (probably most of you!). I seriously cannot imagine having to do this if I had any more memories, or ties, or children, etc. with him!