Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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It's been 4 weeks........

CantLetGo
CantLetGo

Some of you have probably seen my first posting and know that on Aug 4, my life changed.  I was dumped.  Out of the blue.  Without going into the whole story again,  I just have a question for all of you.  I have been NC since it happened.  A week ago he messaged on facebook telling me to "unfriend" him, that he wouldn't hide his life from me much longer.  Needless to say that hurt and angered me.......if he wants to unfriend, he can do it.  And I guess I should throw in that he isn't seeing anyone else,  I was dumped because he didn't see us moving forward.  Anyway,  I broke the NC and replied to his message.  I told him I loved him and that I thought he was my future.  I also told him that if he didn't want to remain friends then unfriend me. He hasn't.  Anyway, I'm not a kid, 48 to be exact, but I still am active on Facebook.  So's my ex.  And after his message he began posting pics of him having fun,  commenting on other people's posts.....which is not a normal thing for him to do, pics of his daughter, etc....  I think that must be what he meant by protecting me anymore.  Anyway, I'll get to my point now :)  Any of you have exes on Facebook that you can't help yourself from looking at?  How did you stop?  The obsessive thoughts are killing me.  I'm already heartbroken by the break up but now I see all the "happy" stuff he's doing and it's like an extra stab. I have unfollowed him but I can't seem to control the urge to peek.


Any advice at all, please share.  And please don't just say "stop looking", if I could do that I wouldn't be in here asking for advice :)


I cry every day and I want it to stop.

Dauphyn
Dauphyn
I've had the same problem - divorced over a year and a half and I still find myself looking at her Facebook posts with pictures of her and the man she left me for with her family, having a great time... Every time, it's a setback.

Best I can advise is to try to find other avenues of activity. I've signed up for a few Meetup groups, to have other people to do stuff with, not related to prior social circles that included her. It doesn't take away the desire, long-term, but at least it's a respite from the onslaught of happiness coming from the other side. A side effect for that is also that you hopefully create your own "happy" stuff that you do, rather than focusing on his.

Another piece of advice, if eliminating Facebook is not an option (which, in my opinion, it shouldn't be - I mean, why let his life control what you do?), but at least take Facebook off of your phone. At least then, you don't have the constant access to it. Sure, you could always go through the internet rather than the app, but sometimes it's that extra step you have to take that makes you pause.

Definately unfriend him (sometimes that means you have to unfriend many of his social circle, but in the long run, it's probably for the best). The last pic I saw was posted by her brother, who I still had as a friend (for some unknown reason), so I unfriended him as well.

None of this is easy - sometimes it seems as though we look for ways to make ourselves miserable (at least I feel that way). I wish you all the best, and hope your willpower holds out so you can find the peace and happiness that you deserve.
Misred
Misred
He sounds controlling. He tells you to unfriend him and you refuse. This way he can say, "it's her fault what I post is hurting her, because I told her to unfriend me and she didn't."

Just block him or unfollow him, I followed a ton of people during the election season due to stuff they were posting.
CantLetGo
CantLetGo
It does sound controlling and frankly, he should have just unfriended me, but of course that would make him the bad guy in his eyes. I have unfollowed him and his friends so nothing will pop up on my feed. Today is the first day I have not peeked at his page. I'm a grown woman and still have trouble not looking...... something about a break up, no matter how old, turns you into a teenager again. I can feel the anxiety creeping up in me telling me I need my "fix" and I'm fighting it. And actually, I'm sort of afraid to peek now, like I'm afraid of what I'd see. It's not even like he's dating anyone, it's more just seeing the "gang" hanging out and now I'm not included. It's very lonely.
heartspain
heartspain
I know too well what you are saying and feeling. I am 2 years yesterday removed from the woman that I thought I would grow old with. She walked out on me, no looking back leaving me broken. Social media is poison when going through such a traumatic event and trying to heal and recover from. It is easy to say stop looking but that is what I told myself, when I would creep and see what she was doing it served me no purpose but more pain and heartache, end of the day all that matters is trying to heal yourself.

I agree with Dauphyn about trying to keep yourself busy, find a new circle of friends, creating new memories that does not include your ex. Again, easier said than done as I am on that journey myself right. What I have learned and still learning is what I need to do to make ME happy, what puts a smile on my face.

Not going to lie, it is a tough road ahead but you are in the right forum, keep posting, keep sharing as there will be a lot of support here to help you in anyway possible.

Be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself!!
Slobo421
Slobo421
Every person has their own way of doing things, I personally would get cleaned up, buy a new outfit maybe, try to have a positive image of yourself, focus on your good points, and get out and have a good time with friends. Go out and have a date with a new guy/ girl and have fun, maybe have sex if you know someone decent to go too for that, just do something. Sitting around isn't helping you. I know your in pain, I'm not saying it's easy to go do these things, but you have to try something. I'm in a rough spot myself as a tbi survivor and I just recently ended a relationship as well. I feel for you!! There is no handbook for this shit. I really do think you should get out and do some stuff, that's going to help you take your focus off the pain, and in the process you might even start thinking about some new things....
serenityspeaks
serenityspeaks
Unfriend and blocked my ex and we do have kids together so do still need to talk but your only torturing yourself. If someone told me to unfriend them i would do just that. I wouldnt want him on my page.
11Christmases
11Christmases
I totaly agree with Dauphyn about the meetup groups. Please give it a try if you haven't. Then you can post some pics of YOU having fun. But I would unfriend the ex first and let him hear about it from everyone else. It's not his business what you do anymore.

I am sorry that he messaged you. I have a hard time not looking up my most recent ex too.
CantLetGo
CantLetGo
Maybe I'm being crazy but there's something in me that won't let me unfriend yet. Partially out of pride, like how dare he tell me what to do. But I won't lie, it's not been quite a month, there's still love in me and unfriending seems so final. For now, I will remain strong and not peek and maybe someday soon, I'll be able to unfriend completely.
Broken9
Broken9
It's a process in your journey, you will one day be able to say it's time, and will do it. No one can tell you when to do it because you simply aren't ready. I totally understand what you're saying about turning into a teenager again, heartbreak really is the worst type of pain, and getting through it is a process... 1 day at a time...
Angel786
Angel786
You can start having your own fun and start posting on Facebook. Take pics of your pet if you have one., with friends, or just selfies and post them on Facebook. Maybe distraction of your fun stop you peeking his posts. Or, maybe stop posting pics when he realized that you are moving on.
11Christmases
11Christmases
You can deactivate your FB account for a while. You won't have to unfriend him, and he won't be able to unfriend you (I don't think). I did that for a while, too. I think you will feel better when you force yourself to stay off there.
realme
realme
First of all if he genuinely wanted to exclude you he can just block you from viewing and unfriended - it's social meadow and I'm pretty sure he knows he can do it - so is basically trying to make a point that he his happy and also ensure that u know that he did the right thing for him ( to get his point across ) so you need to start looking after ur self and start being happy - first of all just de activate everything and start doing something u always wanted to do 1 go on a trip or start jogging or dancing or spa or anything something you have waited to do for your self slowly when you start investing in you and not anyone else you won't even remember to check him up - basically my point being make a strong decision that your gonna start living for u ! And stick to it - I did that and it works
sp8fitess
sp8fitess
You have to be strong and break away from something that breaks and eat you up. Its the most difficult decision to take, but if you can.....in no time you will be a happy woman.
He has certainly moved on and regretfully he does not care anymore. You have to be strong!!!
CantLetGo
CantLetGo
Last night I dreamed about him. I kept waking up to the dreams. That's new and I hate it. I'm sad enough already.
michaelzx
michaelzx
Don't beat yourself up I don't have a Facebook but made one up to look at my soon to be exwife it's only human to be curious but it's also self destructive I'm telling you this but I know I will look on her face book and see her continue her life with out me and it breaks my heart every time I do it but can't help myself
Will the pain ever be totally gone
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