I don't know where to begin. I just can't figure out why I'm having such a huge problem letting go of the guy I had a baby with. I loved him a lot and I think a part of me still does but he wasn't so good to me. He got fired from every job he had, he gave me some money from what he earned. ( A whopping $140) He needed his money for drugs and alcohol. He barely ever helped me with our child when he was living with me. I'm the only one who takes care of our child. I have always been there for my child since day one. I'm the one who feeds him, who bathes him, who changes his diapers, who takes cares of him when he's sick, who comforts him, who plays and teaches him things, who cheers him on when he accomplishes his milestones. (Anyways you get the idea) For a long time I had to beg and fight with my ex to spend time with our child. He would rather hang out with his friends drinking and doing drugs than to spend time with him. He wouldn't even have the little bit of a relationship with our child now if it wasn't for me. Our child saw him as a stranger and I had to tell our child that it was okay and that my ex wasn't a stranger. Any time I expressed how I felt to my ex he didn't care. Any time I would tell him I was struggling and exhausted his response was " What do you want me to do about it, drop everything and come over?" All we do is fight. Nothing ever gets solved. He had started to spend a little bit more time with our child but would mistreat me to the point I want nothing to do with him. But yet I can't seem to let him go. We aren't together..havent been in almost 6 months.. He would play games with my head and heart. I don't know what's wrong with me I know he is no good but yet I can't let go. I tried so hard to make our situation work and I have bent over backwards to please him. What sucks the most is I can't split custody with him because he is inbetween two places. The first place belongs to my ex's ex-stepfather and it looks like it should be condemned. No living being should be living in that house. It's so messy and dirty. All the carpets are stained with pet stains and god knows what else. And for the other house, its a very small house, its a two bedroom house. One bedroom belongs to my ex's grandparents and their 6 cats and the second bedroom belongs to my ex's sister. Then then the livingroom is also my ex's mom's room.. Basically she sleeps on a mattress on the floor in the livingroom and my ex occassionally sleeps on the couch. Their house is beyond filthy. Dirty dishes everywhere as well as trash everywhere. The house is cluttered with stuff. Anyway all in all no place for a baby to live in. There's no place for the baby to play and crawl. Nowhere for him to sleep. Not to mention my ex's mother is under the investigation of child protective services.  My ex doesn't know what to do and how to take care of our child. Like let me give an example he asked me if it was okay to feed our child some of the chicken my ex had and I go yes but as long as you monitor him eating because he will shove too much in his mouth and he will choke. My ex said okay and then proceeded to not pay attention to our child. ( He was too busy standing there talking to his mom and younger brother) and what happened? Our child began to choke and he didn't notice!! Had I not been there, had I not noticed my son would have died. Once I managed to get the food out of his mouth I looked at my ex and said our child was choking! All he could say was "So I guess it's a no on chicken then."  My ex doesn't know what our child likes and dislikes. He knows nothing about him really. He wouldn't even be aware of the things he knows if it wasn't for me telling him. His family makes excuses for him. His mother once told me that she thinks the reason why my ex would rather hang with his friends then to be with me and our child is because his friends don't remind him of responsibilites he has. Honestly I think my ex just wants the title of being called dad without the responsibilities of being one. He wants everyone he knows to think he is such a great father when in reality he isn't. 

How do I let go? I think I'm stuck on him because all I ever wanted was to be a family and raise our child together and I'm desperately trying to make it so. But in the end my ex will never grow up, be responsible and be the father my child needs. So why can't I let go? What can I do to move on and let go and be happy for once? Any advice is wanted.