This is my first time teaching out to a public forum. I’m only hoping that someone can help me to understand a little better what I’ve been failing to cope with the past month. 

So my ex boyfriend and I had dated for about a year and a half. We had a pretty good relationship. We were each ofher’s best friends. He would always say this was the best relationship he ever had. We had our disagreements but we never went to sleep mad at each other. We both worked 2 jobs so we didn’t see each other as often as we liked but I was always super supportive of his work so we saw each other when we could. Most times he would plan weekend getaways for us so that we could spend time together and take a break from our busy schedules. 

I always told him he was the love of my life. He would always tell me he’s never loved anyone like he loved me. For months he would look at houses for us and want us to go look at them. Always talking about “when we live together.” We would talk about getting married (in the farish future) and kids.

I guess it all changed when I had to her surgery back in March. He was there the entire time. Slept over every night to make sure I was okay. But then I had to start physical therapy and our weekends away stopped happening because I was low on money. Plus, my full time job doesn’t pay a lot and he hated me working there but I felt stuck due to all of my medical problems. 

We were okay as far as I knew. We talked all day every day, still told each other we loved each other. Made the most out of the time we were together. Then about a month ago he texted me that he wasn’t “handling anything with us very well” and sure enough, I went to his house and we broke up. 

He told me he was really depressed and had a lot of stuff going on in his head. These things I were aware of as he had been depressed before but I was the only person he trusted enough to tell these things to. He just said that he felt guilty that I was trying to make the relationship work while he needed to fix himself. That he needed time alone. I cried, he cried. I told him I had to delete our pictures and he cried to me telling me “don’t erase me” and “I can’t lose you.” He cried, the only time I’ve ever seen him cry. He said he hadn’t cried in years. Idk if it was because we were breaking up or the depression, but it broke my heart. 

Two days beforehand this man was holding me so tight, telling me he loved me. Calling me as he usually did. A month beforehand telling me to move in with him, and now we’re breaking up?!

After I left and calmed down, I sent him a message saying I’d be there for him. He told me he felt bad for making me feel this way but that I’m amazing and he loved me. That no one ever treated him the way I treated him and that he never treated anyone the way he treated me, and that was all because of me. I tried to be there for him, I wanted to be. But I was hurt. So one day I’m messaging him that I love him and understand his need for space and then like two days later it’s the whole “why are you doing this to me?” I know I made a mistake, but I was hurt and felt I didn’t get the closure I needed. 

All he kept saying was that he couldn’t shake the feeling of me busting my ass to make our relationship work and him busting his ass elsewhere. That he loved me but he was using that to break us up in a good way so that I wouldn’t hate him because he didn’t want a chance of never talking to me again. That he doesn’t love me the way he used to. He has too much stuff going on in his head and he needs to figure things out. That he’s confident that he needs to see a therapist. But he needs time to be alone and with himself. 

After hot and cold messages from him, I finally asked if I should move on. He said “I want us to move on.” I don’t understand. I know he’s depressed and I looked on different forums and it says that people tend to not feel the same feelings due to depression, but why did he have to leave me? 

When I figured he was getting into a funk again I started picking up the slack. Meal prepping for him, bringing him coffee while he worked, dropping off breakfast to him. I tried to support him, help with the little things to take the stress off. Be the supportive, loving girlfriend he deserved. 

He blocked me. I guess that’s best since I wasn’t exactly being the most supportive person in all of this. I texted him one last message apologizing for my behavior and said I would support him from afar. If he ever needs me, I’m here. 

I started seeing a therapist after I fell into a major depression. They prescribed me antidepressants to help me sleep and get my appetite back since I lost 15lbs. All that worked, but a month later and I still dream about him every night. Thinking about all the things we had planned, the places we wanted to go. How could someone who used to love me so much, just throw me away like I’m nothing? A man who was practically begging me to live with him, now doesn’t want any contact with me, whatsoever?

Hearing that he used to be in love with me but he doesn’t love me the same room a huge toll on my self esteem. He said “how can I love you when I can’t love myself?” I know he’s depressed but I can’t help but to think he just used that as a way to get out of the relationship. 

I reached out to his stepfather to have him keep an eye out for my ex. Just so that my ex has some sort of support system. I was the only person he told 90% of his life stuff to and now I fear he’s bottling everything up. He said he found a therapist but he wasn’t going just yet. I hope his stepfather can guide him a bit because I do truly want my ex to be happy and I know that therapy will help him in the long run. 

I can only hope that some day he reaches out and tells me how great he’s doing. I want him to get better. I want him to take the time he needs to heal, I just hate that I can’t be apart of it. I hate that I have to move on from this man who I was certain I was going to have a life with. I hate that I feel like the trash he just threw away. 

I don’t want to feel like this anymore.