My thoughts and prayers are with you. I do think he is very similar to stbx. They don't want to "deal with" or change anything. When confronted, it is to their benefit to turn it all on us. WE are the problem because we aren't content being ignored, discounted, ridiculed while we struggle to keep a happy face and do everything (I do wonder why it is always the woman's job to do the conforming?).

You are trying so hard because you are a caring person who loves her kids and family . There is something to keep in mind though. Not everyone is capable of hearing or responding to what we are trying to say. Years ago in counseling I would be reminded that as I tried to explain my feelings to those in my dysfunctional family, they are not necessarily able to hear what I am saying. Keeping that in mind, I was able to say my piece with low expectations. There is something to be said for finding our voice again. (Even if we are the only ones who truly hear it. imho anyway.)

Sending strength and hugs! :)

I feel your pain. I tried to stay with my ex wife because i loved my children so much. This led to years of loneliness, and a palpable feeling of abandonment. She never wanted to talk or respond, and though she was not mean and nasty like your husband, i too would walk away feeling frustrated, hurt, and asking myself why i even bothered. When she finally filed for divorce, i realized i was happy about it. After 10 years of the emotional torment, i was finally free.

i know your pain, I'm going through the exact same thing you're going through.. He says all that to me also, an i ask myself why am i still here fighting for us when he tells me to shut up I'm annoying

I've been in similar to where you are.
You'll never understand him nor why he treats you as he does.
he lacks some positive human traits at his core.
he is great at hiding that in order to get what he wants from people.
he once had use for your love, it made it easier for him to manipulate and deceive you.
whatever he wanted from you, he has used up.

you can't comprehend that because you wouldn't/couldn't see another person as a thing to be used.

You need to see that your children need a healthy stable parent in their family. children survive and thrive if the have one. You are that one. I understand that you trying, hoping to save a marriage and your children family.

Your husband is a mask , he is showing you who he is at his core is that he has been concealing from you. If you save your marriage it will be the cost of your own mental health and well-being.

You are not a failure or a fool for having loved him. People that wear such a mask are cunning and skilled at manipulation.

You can save your children's family. I don't advocate divorce with kids involved unless it is in their long-term best interests. You are too close and too hurt to see clearly. It is unhealthy for children to live in a household in which one parent uses and devalues the other.

You can't sleep, yet he sleeps easily. That should tell how little the marriage matters to him and how little his children matter to him. You are his children's mother and yet he sleeps blissfully as you climb the walls.

It is time you get some help & support. I think i recall that you are without much family and maybe in a position where it is tough to confide in someone.
If so, i'd recommend contacting a woman's shelter. You could use an ear and they could offer some much needed perspective.

It is obvious that you are a good person & genuinely interested in doing the right things.

I think that you are also strong person. The storm that you are now is wickedly traumatic. You could use some help ((((( no shame in that, just shows that you loving and reeling from being treated with the opposite of love by the person you made marriage vows with, that would knock anyone for a loop ))))

Please consider finding someone to reach out.
Please consider posting here where to turn.
A bad man can really do a number on a good loving trusting woman.
I think he's done one you.
I believe that you can recover

I'll hold a good thought for you

Hi Overcoming. Was your day okay? So sorry you are going through so much. I was thinking about you and your situation. I know it is so hard to decide if you should end it with him or not. But, you seem so unhappy every day. And, that is not a way to live. And you don't want your kids to witness any of this. Breaking up would be sad and hard, but staying with him is sad and hard. You deserve to be with someone who will treat you right. Have you thought any more about talking to a therapist?

As you said, you will be tied to him by some degree, because of your children but, you don't have to let him define who you are. It sounds to me that he has made a decision to "do his own thing" and doesn't want you to interrupt his agenda. When a spouse "tunes the other one out", there's not much else you can do except take care of yourself and your kids. He is responsible for his actions, not you. Live your life for your own happiness and the happiness of your kids. If he chooses not to be a part of it, then, you have basically one of 2 choices. Continue as you are or file for divorce and see that he supports you and your kids. I don't advocate divorce without doing what can be done to salvage a marriage but, if the other spouse has no interest in doing that then, what other alternative do you have if your want a better and happier life for you and your kids. One person can not make a marriage work or thrive the way it should. It takes 100% of both to do this. What it all comes down to is that you will, at some point have to make a decision as to what is best for you and your kids. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I just tried to send a message to Overcomingfear and it says this person does not exist. We were friends as of just a few minutes ago, I wonder what happened.

"This member does not exist" it says. Usually it says deleted user. ??????

Been there! I'm so sorry you are going through such pain! As I read your words, I flashed back to way too many similar conversations with my ex-husband. I learned to just 'not'. Like you, I often went in 'one more time' and ended up with my head handed to me on a platter. You asked for prayer, so I'll assume you have some level of faith. Therefore, I will say that it was only my faith that held me. I learned to pray about things, instead of talking to my husband and believe it or not, I actually started feeling better. The less I spoke, the less negatives were launched at me and the stronger I became. If you do the same, I'd bet it won't be long before you realize you don't need your husbands approval or affirming words. It's normal to want them, of course, but we can't make spouses love us, can we? Know this-it's his issue, not yours. Praying for you and your kids too, cause I know they are probably also getting mistreated (it just happens that way). HUGS. Be strong and courageous!

Hey there. I’m new here and just posted my own thing for the first time. Your husband sounds exactly like mine. I’ve been putting up with this for twelve year and we have two small kids. I just can’t anymore. They always say they will change but I’ve been waiting 12 years!! Now that he’s noticed I’m emotionally disconnected he’s playing victim and is so soft spoken. I know he’s just trying to pull me back in but I just want to leave. I feel crazy and torn.

I guess I can say I understand your situation. I just can't believe that somewhere along the past, my wife who asked me if our relationship will not lead to anything, we should stop. We got married..We have 3 wonderful children. Then after 12 years if marriage she don't want feel the love anymore. Yes we have quarrels but her major reason she kept insisting is her hormone imbalance..but does hormone imbalance is selective? She don't want to work our relationship out..don't even try to talk about or even touching her or else I will be treated with silence and avoidance. I missed everything in her. But I am not giving up. I know this will not help..but I am thankful also that I have read your post..it somehow felt I'm not alone in this kind of situation.

LP25, yes, you are not alone. It’s bad when you deeply love someone and you don’t get the same feeling back. I’m going to hell too, and that why I’m here to see and trying to get a little help from you all!

It's times like this you have to think of your children. I wouldn't want a hateful man around my kids. Even if he treats them like gold, they Will see how he treats you and it will poison their future relationships and perhaps even how they treat you.
A husband doesn't suddenly turn hateful. If they do they're often trying to provoke things so they can feel good about running off with their girlfriend. They turn it on you. If it were me, next time he pulled that I'd go tough and say Who the H do you think your talking to? You don't get to talk to me like that. " And if he kept it up I'd say get out. Make his fantasy real and see how long that lasts.