Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have been married 15 years. We were happy at one point. The last 4 years have been challenging, at best. We argue a lot and stagnated. After the pandemic, I felt like my husband was drifting further and further away. When I had a talk with him about needing to be loved and wanting him to give me the same attention that I get from some male friends that had expressed interest, he decided to have an affair. We hadn't had sex in 4 years. I had asked for us to start making that part of our marriage work. I didn't find out about the affair until he had been doing it for about 3 months. This was 2 weeks after he moved out saying that he just needed space. I found out when I saw credit card debits for hotel stays. When I confronted, he lied initially but since has told me about the affair. He has moved out to be with his homewrecker woman half his age. She is 28 and he is 46. She works at a funeral home. He is a working professional white collar guy. It's weird. Not sure what they have in common. He said she makes him feel appreciated and loved. Now he does nothing but talk about how terrible our marriage was... like there is nothing redeeming. When I suggest we go to marriage counseling, He keeps saying it's just the way he feels and this is not pathology. And that it is too late. We have a young child who obviously doesn't want us to get a divorce. Since he moved in with this woman, things between us have gotten worse. We fight every tine we speak. He can't even come over to see my daughter without fighting with me. It's heart breaking and ultimately we are getting a divorce. Sometimes I do feel lonely and sad. I also feel sad that my daughter is in so much pain. I know my husband won't come back but he is suggesting that one day he will introduce this woman into my daughters life. This sounds fantastically stupid and hurtful to me and my daughter. Why introduce the home wrecker into her life? My daughter cries herself to sleep several times a week. He sees her about once a week. The last time, he took her out and spent the entire afternoon with her spoiling her. But when he wanted to spend the night and put her to bed, my daughter said no, go home! While I am proud of her for telling him off, he blames me and saying that I influenced her. He did the damage himself. Wouldn't even pick up the phone when we call him because he is with this home wrecker. I know divorce is the right course of action but my daughter is really hurting. Looking for some support in this forum. I usually do not blog about my personal life.
-
I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
-
I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
The way for you to feel better and to get your power back, is to go see a divorce attorney, the sooner the better. Just get a consultation. Charge the consultation to your husband's credit card. You need to know what your rights are and what you will be entitled to financially (oh, it will be a lot of money, since it was 15 years married). And how much monthly spousal support money you will get, and how much child support you will get. Depending on which state you live in, you could get half of his retirement account, and half the house. There are a lot of financial details to work out, and a lawyer will help you with all of that. Your emotions are too high to figure all of the legal stuff out. Since he's already moved out, you can file for a legal separation, and in one year (in some states, depending where you live) the divorce will be final. The reason you need to be legally separated is that you don't want to be on the hook for half of his debts, or if he gets the other woman pregnant (they could have you pay half of their child's expenses, if you don't have legal protection. If you work, she can take half of your paycheck as her child support!). You obviously don't want any of that to happen to you.
What he did to you, and your daughter, is awful. You need to really stick it to him, financially. Don't go easy on this. You are entitled to a lot of money, and you will need that money to live on, so you are going to have to go protect yourself, even while you're hurting.
You don't have to sit back and *let* all of this happen to you. You take action, go to the lawyer, and start working on your next step in your life. And your daughter's life.
In the meanwhile, do you have a therapist? Also, talk to friends, family... it is okay to let them know what is going on. Nothing for you to be ashamed about. YOU did nothing wrong.
Also, I know your daughter does not "want" you two to get divorced. How old is she? But you are the adult and you make the decisions. But it's also not good for her to be seeing all of this stuff going on either. She needs to see how strong her Mom is, and that her Mom won't be taking this crap.
Let us know how it goes. You are going to be okay.
I would say, in fairness, I think the home wrecker isn't the female in that relationship. I suspect she was told a different story to yours. Whatever happens don't lose hope, even though what that hope is may well change over time
She needs a LEGAL separation, through a lawyer, to protect herself and her assets.
She can't put her life on hold while he has moved on (and moved IN) with another woman. She needs a legal separation to protect herself legally.
He is already gone.
In the interest of their daughter, visitation needs to be set up, if she chooses to do so (she doesn't have to give him any visitation if she doesn't want to, and she can set the terms of it). Does she want her daughter around this new woman? It is all up to her and her lawyer, as her husband is not remarried yet. Again, this is all set up through a lawyer.
MT2, don't hold on to false hope that he will magically change his mind and come running back. He made his choice and now he has to live with it. You need to take your power back. For your mental health, and also for your daughter. You have actions that you need to take, and you will feel more at peace and ease once things are set up to your liking, a schedule, monthly payments that you can count on, and no more surprises from him.
Definitely get everything in order so you can live and be safe in contact with him, staying calm and peaceful.
When a relationship with a marriage turns into a three way or more combination, it is so, so important to remain calm when speaking with the marriage partner who claims ... to excuse their actions.
The biggest reason is that you are both still the parents, and you need to give the child the best of what you do have as parents.
The partner bit...that needs to be kept separate and not in the conversation with the child. In other words, he's trying to push your emotions and feelings into the same place his are, to reconcile what he's already said and done with the three way addition.
Not your problem what he says, does, and reacts and responds. He may get worse before it improves. Your goal is to keep your well-being first, thus keeping it calm and positive with your daughter.
Just because he says it does NOT mean it becomes necessary for you to answer it as a problem. It's his choice.
Your choice is to improve your well-being. So take the time to work out the situation to provide the best balance.
He moved out, and the fighting continues. Learn to let go of the fight. So what happened in the past, let it go. (Keep writing it out, so you can sort out your feelings, thoughts, emotions, and words safely on your own.
You are much stronger than you realize. You want to show your daughter that even when you hurt, you can continue to live, be positive, and do your best to be calm for the moments that work out.
Remember that it is his CHOICE to do this. You had nothing to do with this. Your daughter has nothing to do with this.
Have you considered counseling? For your daughter, too. You need it, also. Something to think about.
Good for you for getting the lawyer and filing for divorce. Your soon-to-be ex can't call the shots anymore. You are powerful, you are in charge now. Don't listen to any of his idle threats. He made his bed, so to speak, and now he has to lie in it. How long until the affair woman kicks him out? LoL. She's a 28 year old homewrecker, and she will get sick of him soon enough. And you will be long gone and living your new, happy life.
You are doing the right thing. I am proud of you! Please keep us updated.