Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hey all,
So, as it says above yesterday I thought I was happily married and then I discovered my wife had been on dating apps since Aug (claiming to be divorced), had met someone online in Oct, and was going away with him (not the girlfriend she claimed) for a week. All the while we were planning as a normal family for Xmas and future holidays.
I found out just before the flight. She said she had not slept with anyone yet and so I said everything was recoverable and we could do counselling and at least work at it. I begged her to think of her, me and our two kids (13 & 15) and not to throw it all away for someone she barely knew and hadn't met. I also said if she went then I couldn't accept that and would start divorce proceedings.
She went.
So today I started divorce proceedings. And life has just tilted completely.
We are both 49, not a perfect marriage but I thought we were strong. And I certainly did not see this coming. Not even close. And I got suspicious before the trip due to new lingerie purchases. She claimed they were 'for us' ... but then I found them in her suitcase. She still denied everything and said 'you know I never lie.'
She does.
What do I think. Well, she was obviously unhappy (but I didn't know that / the extent) and I think she 'checked out' of fidelity in Aug. I then think the dopamine hits from dating sites, the attention and the thrill led her to exciting infidelity. It's obviously easier than married life. And, I think, she thought she could get away with it.
However I'm floored that when caught out and given an option of recovery she went anyway. In our last chat before the flight she only brought up negatives in the marriage, I tried to remind her of all the positives but to no avail. Without wishing to alienate anyone I also think (!) Menopause, HRT and anxiety meds may have triggered different decision making.
So here I am looking at a very very different future. Separate houses, co-parenting, way less money for us both, and the loss of all the plans and dreams for us and our family.
Yet all the divorce advice is be amicable, don't blame, and tell kids together. I'll do this, but while bleeding and raging inside. I'm after 50/50 custody, and actually think daughter might want to be with me full time.
Best case in X years. Kids stable and happy; I've met someone new and we make each other super happy, and am on civil terms with ex.
But tonight that seems a long way off and a distant goal.
Presumably it gets better eventually.
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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I hope you got a divorce lawyer. You are going to need it.
I don't think her hormones or medication had anything to do with this. And, you didn't do anything wrong. That's why I'm wondering how long you two were married?
She made this choice all on her own. She will have to live with it. Like you said, throwing everything away on someone she's never met. Be prepared for her to come begging you to take her back, once this all blows up in her face and she finds out the grass isn't always greener...
It's hard, I know. Keep your daily routine the best you can. Work, kids, exercise, eat healthy foods, get sleep. Take this one step at a time. You will recover from this. You will be okay.
It wasn't your fault.
Together 21 years; married 19.
Yes lawyering up.
I know I'll get through it (eventually and somehow), but kids future now very very different and that hurts. Lots.
Jeb
She has seriously deceived you an that is so incredibly hurtful. I imagine she must have been very unhappy to behave like that but it certainly is not your fault. She is the only one responsible for her actions. She has the choice to tell you she was unhappy and work on the marriage via therapy or end it before embarking on other relationships. Some anti-depressant medication can change people’s behaviour and inhibitions form my knowledge but that does not make behaviour any less her responsibility. She will have to live with how she has treated you for the rest of her life and I imagine she will come to regret her actions in the future.
You are doing the right thing getting plans in action and you can divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour or adultery which she wont contest if she is decent. You can strive for being amicable in the future as a goal but right now, focus on yourself and your own wellbeing. Have you got some close friends to confide in?
You're not my soon to be ex are you
I know from my own current divorce situation how painful it is when the person you have spent so much of your life with and raised children with becomes unrecognisable in their behaviour towards you. My husband was not unfaithful (and neither was I) but there were other forms of deceit and unreasonable behaviour emotionally (on his part) that have led to the failure of our marriage. I chose not to see the signs or I lied to myself for at least 3 years before deciding to leave, not that he cares at all to be losing me/the marriage.
I'm still trying to understand how your wife could still leave for her holiday with an unknown man after you found out what she was planning - it's quite shocking
Thanks for words and advice. It all really helps. I've plenty of good friends, but none who have been through this.
I've now seen some lawyers and taken some practical steps. For example, I'm in military and was due to deploy. I've asked to be taken off that deployment and have started process of resigning commission as I need a stable location to be here for my kids. I've moved my recent inheritance from joint account to sole account and have told her I've done this - it is not hiding it and I won't spend it, I just don't trust her decision making at the moment.
The kids are already suspicious as I've come home from pre-deployment training and they've asked why mum isn't talking to them online much. I'm being asked - is everything ok. I say yes we've just had a disagreement (and then I die a little inside).
She wanted to tell kids on a weekend, but the weekend after she gets back is daughters birthday, then she is away for a weekend (ostensibly a writing weekend but who knows!), then sons birthday. So I've said I'm telling kids we're divorcing this weekend and have asked her to come home early (using joint money for flights) so we can tell the kids this weekend. She has no 'need' to stay so I hope she makes the right choice. I'm not looking to assign blame when we tell them, just that we are divorcing, that we love them and will be there for them as parents (but given her actions I'm starting to have my doubts about her priorities).
So, I'm in practical / survival mode. I've got a heap of good friends but none who have divorces. Support, advice and good humour always appreciated.
Still in pain, but pushing forward.
I guess if worse came to worse and she won't be coming back for too many weeks, she could maybe be on FaceTime or Skype during the announcement?? I know it sounds weird, but just a thought. Or of course you could just tell your kids by yourself. After all, you are not even the one that wanted to go through this divorce to begin with, and she is off doing who knows what, so now that you are by yourself, you are justified in telling the kids, by yourself.
Good luck with the talk and let us know how you are doing.
Best wishes.
She wants to pretend everything is normal to kids until New Year !
While simultaneously planning for us to divorce.
Won't fly home early to tell kids together as 'she needs a break and some rest.'
Speechless.
And I asked about mental health and she got offended!
She is not acting to the values and standards I thought we shared.
Talk with your lawyer, and see what options you have - to me, shes given up her right to a compatible end, by her actions. Don't let her walk all over your family, if she doesn't want to come home to talk.. doesn't mean the talk doesn't still happen.
I know while I was in your shoes, we decided to tell the kids we just weren't working as a married couple anymore. But we will always be their parents.. etc.. etc. At the time I agreed to it, but once I got my kids established in therapy, their therapist asked me to tell her what's going on.. and her question to me was 'why are you defending him' - my answer was I didn't want to hurt the kids anymore then I had to.. and she told me.. by being dishonest, you are hurting them more.
You have a hard road ahead... keep your focus on whats in your best interest, and your children's best interest.. because I 100% will tell you now... the only interest that she's looking out for.. is her own.
You should be furious! You should sit the kids down and tell them exactly what happened and why you are divorcing her. They have the right to know.
I'm so sorry you have to resign your commission because of her. That really sucks!
Fight for full custody of the kids. Any mom who can run off with a man she doesn't know and throw away a 19-year marriage is NOT a good mom who can make rational decisions about her children. If she decides to move in with this guy, she will try to move the kids with her. You should nip that in the bud as soon as possible!!
I'm angry for you!
From a female perspective, anytime someone says "you know I never lie" they are lying. Your wife has been lying to you probably for a lot longer than August. It is wise to see this in reality mindset instead of begging for her to change.
It is time to start being self protective. Do you guys share a credit card? Time to make them separate cards, She doesn't seem honest and trustworthy so don't move out of the house or anything. Get the legal started and get legal advice before you make any changes. Stay with the kids if you can, she is likely going to become flaky now, not be around much, not focused on the kids. See she always had you as the back up parent since she so easily is going on vacation to f strangers with new lingerie. I am so sorry. I was married to a guy who looked me in the eyes and lied to my face about where he was going. He was helping a lesbian he said, then he said she got sick and puked all night and he had to stay with her -- why he didn't come home that night. Uh huh, he didn't bother to help me when I had food poisoning so I wasn't buying it. LOL.
As for telling the kids, I think the truth is usually better. I hid how my ex was and then he lied to the kids and told them how he was the victim. I might suggest you get a friend or relative to come over and help you tell the kids the truth. But not graphic and not bashing mom. They love mom. Do not do parental alienation. Do not blame mom or say ugly things about her. Just say she has another man and we are divorcing or something similar. Talk to them about their feelings. Have that witness but also someone who can speak up to the kids and help explain. Let the kids say how they feel, they will feel sad and cry and be depressed and anxious and angry. Allow this, talk to them about how they feel, how sad it is, how mom and dad love them. Be careful what you do talking to the kids. But do try to tell them the truth on their level of understanding.
The kids know something is wrong with mom and dad. They hear us - they see us - they feel the tension. There are no secrets in families.