As hard as it was to have that convo with your son, it sounds like you did well and handled it as best as possible in the situation. It will help him to know that you are honest with him, even about difficult adult stuff. And you also let him know that he is your priority, which is important too.

I woud agree with Charliegirl, I would not continue on with the book situation. Just due to the fact that one, yes, it most definitely is still a string attaching the 2 of you that she can pull at. If she'd been kind, civil, and respectful up until now, that would be different. But she purposefully makes every interaction and obligation between the 2 of you as hard as possible. I think it would just be inviting more pain on your part, just my opinion.

As for how fast she's moved on, I understand that pain too. I would echo that there is no way this is a healthy happy relationship, she's just trying to make everything seem bright and shiny to the outside world. There's no possible way that she's in a healthy emotional and mental place to be in a relationship right now. She's doing it for attention and a self esteem boost; the attention from him, as well as trying to make herself look good to friends and family. It is indeed a rebound, to try to help her escape dealing with the situation. He's just a distraction. I know it is hard where your son is concerned, but the best thing you can do is continue to be honest, open, and consistent for him, as I know you have been all along.

It doesn't feel like it now, but you'll be better off. I remember all of those feelings upfront, and getting so sad and hurt as stbxh ran wild and chased anything with boobs. But, 15 months later, I've gone through the hard part, I've healed. He's still not healed, because he never put in the work, and he's still in a very bad place emotionally. No one can avoid the pain of a breakup, and those that get a "distraction" only prolong their own pain. In time, you'll be better, and she'll still be stuck.
(((HUGS)))

I'm not LNF3, but happymama2j thanks for that last paragraph. I needed to hear it too! I'll probably paraphrase it and stick it in my own journal.

LNF3, she did not move on immediately. The new guy was around earlier, almost certainly. When she reconnected with you, she was possibly auditioning - should I go back to ex or stick with new guy? Or maybe she just missed you a bit and decided to use you and toy with you. You know it's ALL ABOUT HER.

This is what cheaters do. Since they are too cowardly to end one relationship before beginning the next, they keep multiple ones going so they can pick and choose as they go - using people.

Glad to hear you are making progress, however slowly. And I agree your talk with your son sounded quite appropriate. I've spoken with my 8-yr-old daughter only a bit, and in much more general terms. But I haven't yet had all the new guy interactions that you have, so eventually I may need to get more specific in my talks with her. But I agree with others who say you're better off being as honest as you possibly can, even if it means admitting to some pain. Just don't overdo it; don't let a child see the worst of it. And keep reassuring them how much you love them and how they are not the cause of any of it.

One thing I've said to my daughter a couple times is: "I'm really sorry you have gotten caught up in these adult problems. It's not your fault at all and it's really unfair that it is affecting you too." And she can see the pain in my eyes/voice when I say this - she knows I mean it. I wonder what stbx says to her; I don't think she has much capacity for normal feelings right now.

I agree with Charliegirl - keep your pension. I hope that was not made part of the divorce settlement.

It doesn't seem fair that she should get part of a pension from a job you had before you got married. I would forget about getting a portion of the book sales. She can still give you credit for the work you did if she wants to, but she should not get any of that pension which was not marital property.

The pension offset and book royalties were part of the divorce agreement. The pension is small, and the premise was that since the book series was partially written before the divorce, that intellectual property was a joint asset. The rest of the series was to be completed post divorce, so to keep the royalties simple, I would get half from the whole series. In return, I would "offset" any royalty payments by up to half of the pension payments. No royalties, no pension split.

Yet, this agreement does create a string between us in this one area. Who knows if the books will ever take off. Unfortunately, I have technical skills, but no marketing skills, so I don't know how to promote them.

This is the last book in the series, so after proofing these last couple of chapters, formatting and publishing, it should be done. In theory, I'll get a quarterly check with half of the sales royalties. We'll see.

I just need to really toughen up and not allow contact around the book to be used in any way to hurt or manipulate me. The same with contact around my son. If I see it for what it is, I shouldn't get so set back by it.

I'm sorry to hear todays a rough day.. (as you mentioned in my 'happy fathers day' topic) its aboslutely normal for your son to be upset he's missing his family.. the added joy of trying to find our new 'place' in this f'd up situation.. but its not just us that our ex's have jumbled.. its our children too :(

I hope your able to end the day on a positive note with your son, its harder for them to understand the complex relationships in families.. but KNOW your doing the right thing by NOT going to this family event.. it'll get easier as the transition continues.. no one likes change, but stay strong.. your on the right path to a happier you.. its just a longass journey, that everyone has to take at their own pace.. one day at a time.. ((hugs))

Stay strong man. Come up with new traditions to make new memories with your son. It's not about her. It's about you and your boy. Remember that, and keep positive!

Thank you for the well wishes. We had a great day on Saturday - fishing, hiking, a birthday party for one of my son's friends, then ice cream and a movie.

Sunday, Father's Day, was very difficult. He is 11 1/2, so I know he is a "pre-teen" and he responded to not going to his mother's BBQ by sulking.

He and I had plans for lunch at Tao's, an Asian cuisine restaurant that we both like. Instead, he decided he didn't want to get dressed - he wanted a pajama day. We had other plans as well, but he went into a full sulk. He said he was not going to get dressed, but I could order take-out and bring it back to him. (The restaurant is a little over a half-hour away). I made a mistake with a passive-aggressive type remark. - I asked him if it was Father's Day or Son's Day, then immediately regretted it. He went into the bedroom and pulled the covers over his head. I've seen him crabby before, but this was off the charts new. I grabbed a book, got on the other side of the bed, and just read until he came up for air.

Then, he started crying and telling me he was feeling bad because he had been selfish and he didn't want to ruin my Father's Day, so he said I should go to the restaurant by myself and have lunch. He said he wasn't in any shape to go our to a restaurant, but he didn't want to ruin my day.

I told him that it was most important to me to spend time with him, and asked him to pick something closer for take out. He settled on a local pizza place and we ordered delivery. H stopped crying and we watched some "Big Bang Theory" episodes and he settled down. He still wouldn't go out, so we had a lazy movie day.

Today I took him and one of his friends to an amusement park. My son was suddenly afraid to go on most of the rides, so I rode with his friend. I got to do the "Sky Coaster" where they strap you in a harness, winch you up to the top of a very high pole, then you pull your rip cord and free fall until the rope catches and turns it into a pendulum swing. Lot's of fun!

The kids ended up having a great time, and I took them to dinner on the way home. Tonight, my son wanted to have a nerf gun war, so we are goofing off. I have him until Wednesday and am trying to make the best of it.

Unfortunately, work called my cell phone and had me listen in on a "mandatory" meeting. It seems I have been selected to be put under NDA to evaluate a strategic opportunity. They said to cancel the rest of my summer vacation plans, but to go ahead and finish this mini-vacation. It seems I will be flying to another state and will have extensive travel that will interfere with my visitation. I'm flattered to be selected for this high-end opportunity, but concerned about not seeing my son as much. I need to talk to him about it, and who knows how my ex will react as it will interfere with her dating her new guy if I can't take my son.

11 years old.. his body is freaking out and his life is freaking out.. I'm glad you sat there and waited him out.. :)

its frusterating that this job opprotunity hits right now, when it sounds like spending time with your boy is really important .. he's going through so much.. I hope atleast in your traveling your able to skype with him.. its so hard to keep that connection and communication open when they get closer to being teens..

I'm glad you two were able to be there for eachother on fathers day.. it sounds like everyones trying to adjust to this 'new normal'.. god I hate my name lol.. but its TRUE..

good work Lost :)

Sounds. Like you did a fantastic job managing the "sulk". Way to go!


I completely understand the bittersweet of the job opportunity. I'm in the same boat. I was the single income before the separation and am supporting my stbxh now. I would love to not have to work or travel so much and be able to spend more time with my girls. My thoughts go out to you.