This situation sounds all too familiar...YOUR day on MY terms...I get to rid myself of guilt by "inviting" you to the family barbecue held in "your" honor, while I play tickle fight with my new boyfriend in front of you. Oh, what? That doesn't appeal to you, you heartless bastard, that invite was from your son! Well, except for the new boyfriend, and the tickle monster, I might have got the wrong idea about the tickle fight....oh well, here's a gift certificate for a free hash brown at McDonalds. I feel for you, buddy, but I feel for your son even more. Chances are, he didn't even know about the invite until after you turned it down, and then she gave him her version of why you won't be at the barbecue - never giving an inkling of a thought to actually giving you both quality time together. Is your divorce final? Our divorce decree specifically spelled out each others' rights during Mother and Fathers' days. "Keeping up the family tradition" - is her family a bunch of swingers? Hang in there, man. It gets better once you get free of the manipulation and can focus on a real relationship with your children instead of the fake relationships your ex seems to prefer.

Man, I just can't believe how familiar this is..."###'s mom just invited (your son)...He wants to go". I'm sure the guy was very clear when he told his mother about his new girlfriend. "Hey ma, I met this new gal. We are hitting it off so great she's leaving her husband! Ain't that great? Aren't you proud of your son? Hey, she has a kid, so make sure and invite him to my birthday party. Maybe have a clown or something (other than me) so his mom can make it plausible that he wants to go. She's again, using your child...doesn't care about anything but making sure she's justified. I can take him to the birthday party because he wants to go. Hope he doesn't want to juggle flaming axes anytime soon. All I can say is, take deep breaths. Teach him right from wrong, and when he is old enough, he will realize what his mom was doing, and if she had a brain, she'd realize she is doing permanent damage to her relationship with her son with her attempts to force you to accept her immoral behavior.

Oh puh-leeeeez! She is a piece of work! I just LoVE how she didn't tell you that it was your son's wish until AFTER you declined the invite. Like looking replied (#16) I imagine she had quite the story for your son. You may have to do some damage control there. It is wrong to set things up that way. She just assumed you would go along with whatever she wanted!

It could be a slippery slope to cut communication with her, because I could see her withholding info about your son. If he is old enough, getting him his own device to communicate with you would help I think.
Shaking my head. So manipulative and so obvious about it. Sorry you're having to deal with her. Ugh!

Thanks all! This community is a lifesaver. Without all of you, I would still be questioning myself and buying into the just plausible enough crap that she regularly serves me. I was even on the verge of harming myself, if not for my son, because I believed her BS about me when I started posting here. It was all me. I couldn't ever seem to do anything right enough... You have all helped me see it for the manipulation it is, and I already played into her game for way too long. I can't get those years back, but I don't have to give her any more.

@lookingforclosure, your summary of the scenario actually had me laughing out loud, which felt good for a change. Reading it straight out like that, hell yeah it is beyond ludicrous what she expected of me.

Thank you all again, and I wish you peace and comfort in your own painful journeys.

My apologies, I misread your post. Thought the boyfriend was going to be there. Doesn't change anything, though. Throwing a guilt trip on you for declining the invite - you don't want to change your mind, that would reward the behavior.

@looking, your second post was off. The b'day party is for one of my son's friends, not the new bf. The first post was great though..

My son is 11. I bought him a smartphone so we could communicate, which may have been a mistake. All he uses it for is games. Rarely do I get a response to a text. Yup - that's 11 for you. Video games are his life.

In fact, he had me build him a web site to host some of his game narrations. http://grossdatabase.com He named it after Calvin and Hobbes' club. I don't know why anyone would watch his videos, but apparently his friends do. I have to work hard to remind him to keep any personal information out of the videos and sites for his protection.

That's awesome. Keep it up. I kinda think the video games are an escape for them, on top of it being normal kid behavior anyway. Heaven forbid one of your texts interrupts a game of minecraft. It is good, though, to know he does have the means to call you on his own if/when he does need to talk to you. I've noticed they don't want to talk to me when they are with mom, and they don't want to talk to mom when they are with me. A friend told me her daughter is the same way, and she and the daughters father have been divorced for 12 years - so I tend to think this is "normal". I do my best not to talk anything negative about "mommy". Coming from divorced parents myself, I don't want my kids to end up like I was - not wanting to be around the parent that constantly bad mouths the other one. Like I said, take deep breaths, they'll start to realize down the road what was going on, and what she does now will mold the relationship he has with his mom in the future. She may be able to make you doubt yourself, but when your son grows older, and she tries justifying to him how she treated his dad, it wont be near as easy for her to make him doubt his dad.

I agree with all the above posters, you are right not to go to her Father's Day bash and right not to accept her gift certificate.

Your divorce is already final, is that correct? I'm still unclear about your custody arrangements on Father's Day. My ex gets the kids every Father's Day regardless of whose weekend it is, and I get them every Mother's Day. The papers spell this out clearly. My lawyer put it in without my asking, so I thought this was standard. I was surprised your ex even assumed your son would be with her at all.

@looking, I was served Friday the 13th of December 2013 and she was "in love" with an old school friend who lives in FL. The divorce was final April 14th 2014. She continued to take trips to stay with FL guy throughout 2014, but swore they had decided to just be best friends, and we reconnected shortly after the divorce, but she broke it off December 29th 2014. We then reconnected again this spring and resumed intimacy May 2015. She changed her mind and started dating new guy #2 that same week. They are now intimate and he is often at the house with my son, which I strongly object to, but I have no say. She is also still going down to stay with FL guy for a week over July 4th, so I'll have my son then as well.

I've been a pathetic chump in my increasingly desperate attempts to keep our family together. I see that now.

The divorce agreement states I get my son Tuesday nights, and every other weekend. There is no mention of MD or FD or any other holiday. Even though it was my weekend, I gave up my visitation for the full MD weekend. FD is my scheduled weekend.

I'd like to think that even if it wasn't, I'd still get my son. I think she would honor that, even if her preference would be the "family tradition" BBQ.

I'm shocked that an attorney would let you sign an agreement that didn't spell out holiday visitation as well as school vacation time. Alternating holidays is pretty standard so if she gives you a hard time now that you're not attending her "traditional" family functions, don't put up with her nonsense. I think most judges would modify the agreement to include a holiday schedule.

Agree with Missy.

yeah.. I've got to agree with Missy here too, and honestly if I were you I'd have that modified QUICKLY, you've been kinda playing on the fence for awhile, back and forth.. and its so great to hear you finally deciding to set up that boundary where it should be!
your not a 'pathetic chump', your human, and your hurting.. we all are, and we understand how you feel..

you need to be able to move on, and find your happiness again.. be the person you want to be! and you can't do that playing to her whims.. I see this custody arrangement going south REALLY fast.. you should definately get a more defined agreement, so you DONT have to rely on her 'honoring' that.. you dont need her permission to see your son.. get it in writing, and write her OFF.. its black and white, no talking her into letting you keep him longer, no her asking you to keep him for her.. just get rid of all that.. the less contact the happier you'll be

I'll definitely need to look into modifying the agreement with the court. As for the divorce agreement, even though she wanted the divorce, I did the whole thing. I wrote the agreement, the division of assets, etc. It involved her refinancing the house and paying me a portion of the equity, then keeping a little more of my 401(k) funds in exchange for the rest of the equity given she could not afford the mortgage for a higher refinance amount. I also wrote and executed the QDRO to give her the part of the 401(k) funds she was entitled to.

I did pay for an attorney to vet my document, and there were very few changes, mostly around being able to claim my son as a dependent for taxes every other year and clarifying even vs. odd years.

The whole divorce cost me about $260 in money, but obviously cost me dearly in pain and emotional health. Honestly, it was a difficult time for me to be authoring such important documents, but she said she would agree to any reasonable terms I wrote, and she did, saving us both a lot of money. I just didn't get detailed in the visitation as she said she would be more than flexible and generous any time I wanted him, and I believed her.

The agreement states:

Custody and Visitation:
We agree to joint legal custody of [my son] with primary residence in [my ex]. We agree to a reasonable parenting plan in [me] commencing March 1st, 2014 to include every other weekend, a weeknight overnight, and open visitation as mutually agreed for vacations, etc. We intend to continue interactive parenting

Also, I stopped texting her, and now she sent a text "I have finished two more chapters of the book. I can read them to you, or if you'd prefer, I can email them to you."

She wrote a series of novels in her spare time, mostly while we were still married, and agreed that I would get half the profit from sales of the novels if I proof-read, edit, format and e-publish them for her, and build and maintain her author web site. In return, she gets half of my small pension from a job that I had left before marrying her.

I'm doing good maintaining the NC, but it is soooo difficult for me. I miss her reading to me, sappy as that sounds, but I don't think it is a good idea to do that. The bitter part of me wants to reply "I no longer have any interest in reading your books," although she is on the final four chapters. I suppose I should ask her to email it.

I did have a talk with my son last night about me not knowing he had wanted me to come there for Father's day, about why that would be difficult for me, and how it was just like how I wasn't invited to the Mother's day hike/picnic, and that it has nothing to do with him, that I love him very much and always will, and we will start a new Father's day tradition. I was honest that it does hurt me that her mother left me and chose someone new, and that I don't want to hear about the new guy, unless he ever does something my son feels is inappropriate or makes him uncomfortable. My son said, "Dad, she is already telling the whole family and everyone she knows all about [new guy], so I don't think she'd need to do that at the BBQ."

Ugh... I just reinforced that it was no longer appropriate for me to go to her events at her home, that Father's day was not her event other than with her father, and that I loved him and wanted to spend time with him in our new home (my apartment). It was a difficult talk, and I didn't need to hear about her telling everyone about new guy. It is so hard for an 11 YO to understand when I tell him I don't want to hear about them, but need to explain why we won't be together for functions, etc.

I'm trying so hard. I really am. And this is so painful and so very difficult to go through. I am feeling a little better today, but it is a wild emotional ride. The past few days I've been about as low as I've ever felt even more than when she first told me. Knowing she is sexual with new guy so fast...Despondent is a good word to describe it. I've been replaced in a blink - tossed out like yesterday's trash...

Today, I'm coming back to a better place, just profoundly sad. I know I can eventually get to indifferent, then happy. I wish I could just jump ahead to there. Sorry this post is rambling all over...

saying I understand is huge understatement.. I think we all feel this way.. and I've taken the prospective that it hurts so much, because I believed in my marriage, but bottom line it takes TWO, so yes your hurting, but you also put alot into your marriage, let her go.. as hard as that is to say and do.. you have to stop glorifying her life and her 'new guy'.. EVERY relationship has issues, and I can almost guarentee theres is horse*@*.. its a rebound, she hasn't given herself time to heal or even emotional let go of you.. well let her deal with that on her own time. I'm greatful in a sick way that my ex has moved into a relationship so fast .. quite literally while STILL in a relationship with me.. but anyway, I'm GREATFUL for this.. because he's not focusing on me, so that I CAN focus on me.. he's already turned back and said 'wait, I miss you!! can we fix this!??"... but luckily for me enough time had gone by that I was able to say NO to this.. keep your life moving forward, dont let your plans be dictated by her life.. find your new better, stronger, and dependable self :) for you AND your son :)

I think i would say screw the ebooks and keep my half of the small pension. Its just another way for her to keep you financially bound to her. But thats just me.