Oh I hate nights too:( well I am really sorry about your situation. The fact your in therapy is really good. It's hard to be seperated then have strong feelings with fears. Working on yourself is what needs to be done first. In the end you'll be so much healthier. The fact he still loves you is good. Your situation is going to require work and patience. I hope things improve.

Thank you, serenitys.
I think he still cares about me and loves me, but not in the way he used to. His eyes used to be full of love, but I don't see that anymore. In the beginning I was blaming him for everything. Now I have to take a good, hard look at myself and it is not a pretty picture. Even I would not want to be with me.
So, I do not have any hope of him coming back to me. This other woman has a clear advantage: they work together and see each other every day, whereas we do not see each other. He has not been willing to switch shifts and give this woman up in order to give our marriage a fair chance. He defends this woman over me and I can not say that I blame him.

This other woman might just be his support through this time.
You have the right attitude and know you can only work on yourself and will be a better person for it
Hugs to you

I am sorry for your pain,,,your regret and remorse

I hope that things will improve with your husband, but you will be healthier no matter what

Whether you made miguided mistakes or not, I gather you initiated them out of protective feelings for your love. You are not malicious or someone evil. You need to feel loved. I think all of us here share that. I hope therapy helps you understand and move forward. Since in my situation I am praying for a miracle revitalization of my wife's love for me, I am sending the same prayers for you and your husband. Forgive me if I err in this.

I am anxious to hear of your healing so please post updates.

I am really sorry for your situation. I commend you for admitting your mistakes and are willing to work on yourself.
I do think it is time to try and let some of those feelings go though, because we can not change what has happened in the past.
Move your thoughts away from the past and concentrate on all the things you could be doing from now on to make things better for you. Actions speak louder than words. You need to be patient with your husband, and hope he realizes you have changed. please don't try and force things now, or I'm thinking it may drive him farther away.
You still have control of your future, but the past is over.
I wish you the very best of luck

As someone who is going through something similar, although I am in your husbands position. Not sure what you have done, but my wife pushed me away with her behavior and actions as well. It wasn't until I decided I was done and wanted a divorce that she miraculously decided she can change. There was a tme I thought I could love her the same again, but once the trust, respect, and connection are gone you might as well just move forward. You can't erase years of bad memories and feelings by simply saying "I'm sorry". Most women say things they really don't mean. Men usually don't If he says it's over, more than likely it's over. Work on being a better person for yourself. Who knows what happens in the future. For me I need the divorce for my own sanity, as insane as that may sound.

There are many different kinds of men in this life. Some women may disagree with me, and that is their choice to do so.

There are some men who are stern and combative when they are faced with women who are controlling and insecure with themselves. Some men take the "boss" role and dictate everything in the marriage. There are others who are submissive up to a certain point and who will do everything they can to avoid confrontation with their spouse.

It seems to me that your husband is the type who was like to latter but, at some point decided he had reached his limit.

When domineering and controlling women push too far, this type man will basically retreat and sever the stress caused by his spouse. This is why he confides in the other woman because he does not feel challenged or manipulated by her. He is in his comfort zone and when a spouse reaches this area in life, it is hard to coax them out of it. Trust and respect have been weakened and they basically just do not want to deal with being controlled, second guessed, and manipulated any longer.

I agree with Gem, you can't change what is in the past. You can't change him due to the reasons stated so, you have to work on you.
Realize what issues you have and work to resolve them and by doing so, hopefully you can have a better life and a better outlook on the future.

Hi,
Thank you for your comments on my post. I do appreciate them. I will tell you about some of the things that 'drove me away' as well in our marriage.
Prior to meeting my husband I had a very bad experience with another man. We were together for over 2 years and later I found out that he had been involved with someone else almost the entire time. He dumped me and married her 3 months later.
Enter my husband: he had the misfortune to come into my life not too long after this. I should've know that I was still too broken to enter into a new relationship. We don't pick when we fall in love though.
And oh, how we were in love! For 3 months. We were right smack in the middle of that blissful time of new love. Always laughing, making love, having fun and him looking me in the eye, proclaiming his love for me.
Then one night, while he is in the shower, he gets a text message from a woman. She wants to know if he is in the shower, getting ready for work, she has a picture she took of herself that she wants him to see. Make a ;long story short, they had been sexting since long before he and I got together.
He didn't see anything wrong with that at all: after all, she lived in another State, her husband made her feel bad about herself, he was only trying to make her feel good about herself. It didn't mean a thing. I threw him out, but took him back 3 days later. That was when our downfall started - almost 8 years ago.
Since he never acknowledged that it was NOT acceptable in a relationship to sext with other women, it was always in the back of my mind.
I found myself checking his phone constantly, if a woman he worked with would call him at home with her marital problems I would tell him she'd better not call here again.
During our first 2 years of being together (I did not want to get married - kept putting him off), he recently told me that he used to go to this woman's house at night, when I thought he was working at his job (she worked with him, married, 5 kids). He told me nothing ever happened, he went to her house with her, because he was not going to let me tell him what he could and could not do.
During this time, I always had these 'gut feelings' that something was off in our relationship. I never quite knew what it was, but it was always there.
It sent me into this tailspin of checking his phone, demanding to know who he was texting/speaking with - you get the picture. It wasn't pretty.
Once on that path, it was like a rolling snowball. He was getting drilled about where he was if he came home later from work than he usually did. Fact is: I never trusted him after the sexting incident and I should never have taken him back.
It is very difficult to overcome something like that when your trust was broken in a vicious way just before. When someone looks you in the eyes and proclaims their ever dying love and devotion to you and then has relationships with other women as soon as you walk out the door or go to the bathroom, it does not matter if they are physical, if these women are in the same State or in a different continent. It is the worst kind of feeling of betrayal!
So, I turned into someone even my own sister did not recognize. She used to ask me what was going on with me, that she did not recognize me anymore. I was constantly on guard, stressed to the max, to the point that my whole body was shaking, always looking, never trusting or believing his words and yet, not able to just leave.
I did a lot of ugly things during those 8 years, mostly reacting to the hurt. We should've gotten out of this when the first sexting happened. We would both be healthier people now.
There was a lot more to all of this - bad, ugly and very ugly, hurtful, painful and even hateful. I didn't used to be this person and I am struggling to find my way back to the laughing, happy and healthy woman I was before.

My husband texted me a bit ago, just asking about the password for an email account. Harmless enough. A few more things were said and I ended it with 'I love you'. His reply was 'Thank you'
It hurt to know that he can no longer say it back! I think I am in total denial about the fact that it is just over. Though he keeps telling me 'Time will tell' - 'There is always hope'
I am not sure if he is in denial as well or if he is just trying out his wings, his new 'friend' to see if that is what he really wants.
There are times when I feel he keeps me hoping on purpose. To make me pay? Because it strokes his ego? Because he still loves me? Because he feels that if he 'eases' into the end, that it will be easier?
I can't move on, move forward, because of those two words 'Hope' and 'Time' I actually believe that people who just break it off are better off. They can start the healing process right away. When you sit and 'hope' that 'time' will make a difference, you are stuck. You can't move forward and you can't go back.
It is hard for the person who is stuck in that, while the other person goes about their life, making changes, all the while knowing that if things don't go right, or if they feel they have made a mistake, you are still sitting there, 'hoping' 'time' will bring you back together.
It is debilitating!

I am accepting we are over but can relate to the denial part. We have always worked through alot in the past. So to really say and believe we are over is overwhelming. I would even think is this it? No it can't be but in my situation I have put up with alot. I felt with love we could work through our stuff. But I am so tired. I unsure he even knows how he feels. This frustrates me to just think I wasted time on him.

Why would you want this man back? He did cause you to be paranoid. You didn't just wake up that way. his actions had everything to do w/the issue. Sure, you had a previous bad experience, but has nothing to do w/anything.

Sexting is unacceptable, you are right, you should have never taken him back then, why do you want him back now? Can you trust him? Why would you want to continue being miserable. I say, seek therapy if you aren't already and work on getting better and being okay w/solitude. It is best to be solo than in misery.

I feel like we should try to keep this a safe place where we try to minimize the judging. Having said that, discovering my wife was sexting would devastate me. I absolutely understand how that discovery would cause deep feelings of betrayal. There is no excuse for his actions. His commitment and love for you at the time of initiating the relationship demanded he cut off the sexting, but even worse he is encouraging such actions from one who should be committed to her husband. This is an exorbitant display of selfish need for sexual attention no matter the implications of infidelity. This man does not have my understanding nor sympathy. I am truly very sorry you had this experience. You deserved much better, as all investing themselves totally in love for another does. Do not be critical of yourself. Give yourself the understanding I believe you would extend to one of us experiencing pain due to negligence, apathy, or maliciousness from one we had given our heart.

I know the feeling. While it doesnt justify the WAY my husband left me, I do understand why he did. I'm a good person, but not a nice one. I'm tremendously sarcastic and just...sigh....not a nice person to live with. Just ask my sibs. Or my parents.
I think I am one of those people who should never have gotten married in the first place. Sarcastic. Mean. Lazy....etc...
It's a hard thing to recognize in yourself. When I watch movies or shows where the wife is constantly putting her husband down-even if it's supposed to be a sitcom-I recognize myself.
Just his week I've been thinking that my husband was right to leave me. Nobody should have to live the way he was living. The way he left was wrong....but he was right to leave and find the happiness he never would have had with me.

"How am I going to go on, knowing I destroyed my own marriage and that I've lost the man I love very deeply, even with the horrible way I treated him?"

First you have to recognize you are not 100% responsible because the guilt will weigh you down so you need to be more compassionate to your situation and yourself. Then you might want to recognize that no matter how much you love him (whatever your reasons) he is not going to change and neither or his beliefs that there was nothing wrong with sexting. You and he didnt have that agreement and he broke your tust.Forgive yourself for reacting and focus on what brings you strength and empowerment. Many Hugs to you

hi, charliegirl, thank you for responding, I take something away from all of you on this site. It has been very helpful!