I understand what you mean.

Maybe think of any nieces you have, or daughters of friends, or daughters of family members.... someone who is a teenager, early 20's. I think referrals is the first place to look.

And there is a website called Care.com. They have lots of local babysitters, nannies, housekeepers.... Check for the ones that have had background checks, and have references. You talk to them before even meeting them. Maybe that will help get a feel of the person.

Maybe start with a short visit, say, 1 hour of babysitting at first. Until you feel more comfortable with the person.

Hope this helps. I know it is not easy. Good luck.

You are mixing the two anxieties into one. Just because your husband can't be trusted does not mean a "stranger" can't be trusted. It is good to pay attention and be observant of child care situations. So that is wise parenting. You have to detangle that in your mind both of these situations are the same. A strange who is loving and kind and good with children can be a blessing to our children. And they are not strangers past the first "hello" on day one. So your job as a parent is to evaluate and interview the child care provider. You tell your child how fun care will be instead of giving the child fear and anxiety that you hold. So you go to visit the care provider and you look around. How clean is it, how many kids, what are the kids doing, do the kids look happy, bored, ignored, interacted with, etc. You do the homework by observing and listening. Be friendly to everyone there, smile and act happy. Church daycares are often very loving places as they have a mission. So remember now -- STRANGER care is not the same as your alcoholic husband failing as a parent. Do some self talk to yourself. Admit your fears to yourself and then say the reality of those fears as I have said. My ex ignored the kids so it was not a good childcare arrangement but every care place they went to was loving, the teachers cared, the kids had fun, etc. I also worked in a care place and we tried very hard to make the kids happy. Not all places are like this. Some home care places are good but some are not as the person doing the care is really busy with their own kids or cleaning their own house, etc. Your job is to evaluate them with wisdom and observation and then you will see that your husband is not working there and the care will be good. Remind yourself that by observing and evaluation care situations you yourself are being a good parent. If you are angry at yourself for marrying a guy who would put you and your child in danger, then forgive yourself. We all make mistakes and no parent is perfect. We all make many mistakes in parenting, even perfect parents make mistakes. Your child will thrive and be happy if you are happy. It is not easy in your situation, I understand this. But you can go on and create a good life.

I have been through this before. I only relied on family at first until I became familiar with some recommended babysitters from my friends that had children old enough to babysit. It's normal to feel the way you do. Hugs to you. Things WILL get better.

No suggestions here, but wanted to say how brave I think you are for leaving. Be kind and patient with yourself. You are clearly anxious which makes sense given the trauma you described.