I'm sorry you are going through this.

She MUST break off ALL contact with the other person, or your relationship will not survive.

If a person is truly remorseful, and wants to work on their marriage 100%, then they have to cut all communications with the affair person. No exceptions. No "staying friends". No nothing.

You will probably need counseling for yourself, as well. You have just been through a lot. Find yourself a good therapist.

She must work on your relationship with 100% effort. Cheaters lie, so keep your eyes and ears open.

Take care of YOU. You are the one hurting. Make sure and take good care of your health, and mental health, etc.

Let us know how it goes.

The honest bottomline is what do you really want in a relationship? My exhusband cheated and lied too.. and I walked, Trust is the foundation.. if you take her back i understand the reasoning.. but just know you will forever live in doubt and constantly feeling you need to police her activities.. losing that basic trust makes it near impossible to move forward and try to 'fix things' and its 100% worse if you're the only one committed to making things work - aka 'I cant just lose contact.. he has medical stuff'.. bullshit. I say let him have her, no one deserves to feel second best.. especially in your own marriage

I agree with some of what mynewnormal, especially about figure out what YOU want in this whole mess. I wish there was a switch that can just be switched and its all good. The betrayal happened, trust is the issue here. I want to believe its cut and dry, and for many people it is, but there is nothing wrong with feeling like you want it all back. Though there will never be a legitimate excuse, maybe she was foolishly trying to work though issues she couldnt understand. I agree with therapy, think you should definitely find a therapist and do some group sessions to work though what you both want. Couples come back from these things but jts all about how much trust can truly be recovered. She claims she having all these issues, well this is her time to step up to the plate and address them. To me, if staying together is a desired path she needs to be getting professional therapy and cut ties with the other person. To me, this is black and white there cannot be an A or B, its either you or nothing. Its terrifying and its easy to give into it but no one deserves to be second best.
I'm sorry you're in pain, I can relate to the pain and hurt. You're not alone.
Though challenging, some couples work through the mistake, feeling there is something there truly worth saving. Key word being mistake.

Honestly, move on. My husband did the same thing. He cheated on my with someone half my age and no career ambition. While I was working, he was depressed about COVID. Found a 28 yo to talk to. He said that he wanted someone to care about him and “listen” to him. He is close to 50. He told me he was vacillating one day between staying and going... turns out that was a lie too. He bought her lingerie and I found out on a credit card statement. And a hotel bill. Might I add that he has never bought me a single piece of lingerie in 20 years of marriage. Fool me once... well you get it. Once that trust is broken, you can’t go back. My daughter is heart broken but I tried and he didn’t try. You will regret giving her a chance, as I did. I wish I could be more positive but once a cheat... and once a liar...good luck.

Thank you for your response. I've tried all week to get her to try and fix us but she refuses to stop texting this other person. I had it my head if I showed her what she would be missing by leaving, she would see her error. We had a big blow out tonight and I told her I'm done. That it was my choice to end our relationship. I've been an idiot for even trying. The disrespect she has shown me is astonishing.

And I know this relationship she is refusing to give up is doomed to failure as well. It started out with her trying to help this person find a way to leave a controlling relationship and it has ended in an affair. Its ridiculous anyone can see that it is not healthy. She knew this person twenty years ago and they contacted her out of the blue through pintrest. I think she has been manipulated into giving this person a way out. More fool her. That she can't see it. I'm so angry.

I'm so sorry.. I know it hurts - right now keep that anger strong.. use it to your advantage. It's hard after so many years you've been looking out for eachother - the idea of thinking about yourself only is hard to even imagine.. but you need to. You need to focus on you, what do you need to move on with your life separate from her.. open a new bank account, try to split your assets, and absolutely contact a lawyer! You have rights.. she isnt thinking about you right now.. blindside her with the reality of the choice shes made - it's not a fun process.. just keep your heart cold to her.. and keep the focus on you. The less you have to contact her the better. I wish you luck in a speedy process so you can start healing.. buckle down and use that anger to keep you motivated for now.. the steps of grief will show.. denial, anger, bargaining. Depression, and finally that blessed acceptance - stand your ground. You're not alone in this process.