killed. / ouch

I don't know, I keep re-reading Frank's post about control issues being there from the start, but expressed differently... My STBX literally worshiped the ground I walked on prior to our marriage, and once we got married, he did a 180 and I was emotionally abused by him in so many ways. I didn't see it coming and neither did anyone else. They all thought it would be the way he was while we were dating or even something close to that. They continue to say this now......who would have thought he would have turned like that? I'm just not sure Rman, but it does happen. The marriage counselor told me what he was doing was all about control (like Frank said). I just don't think control has a place in any healthy relationship. I think these people are dysfunctional.

hikerchic

that sounds similar to my experience too, which at lest for me, means I cant look at anyone right now, who looks and sounds and smells fabulous, with anything less that abject skepticism and suspicion.

It was his way of controlling not just the relationship, but right down to my perception of reality. I dont know that its possible to know how that is control, until its happened to you and youre left looking around wondering what the hell just happened once the mask falls away.

It would be great to share stories like that with people who have never know someone like that, but if you havent experienced it, it sounds like a very odd story from a bitter jilted woman, and so except for places like this, I dont talk about it much.

What was that almost passable movie with J'Lo where her wonderful husband turned out to be a sociopath?

I don't know that movie....but now I want to rent it, lol. Sorry you experienced that, too, Phoenix. It does sound really unbelievable, but that's exactly what happened. The things he did to try to get me to marry him were extraordinary. I would be too embarrassed to even tell anyone, but my family knows how he went after me. It really does affect your "perception of reality" and makes you feel crazy and duped and foolish. And how do you trust a wonderful guy again? Reality isn't reality??

My husband was a total bully the last l5 years of our marriage - one of the many reasons I left him.

Lynne

I think I'm going to rent it again myself. If you ever fantasized about getting even, its the movie for you.

I dont know how to trust reality again. But I try by making my present reality as safe (read boring) or in my total control (read - anything thats exciting or risky is what *I* construct) and without the chance of any romantic energy as I possibly can. Maybe over time I'll start to feel more solid in my perceptions again.

Its exactly why I posted the man bashing thread this time last week.

Its a struggle for my mind to feel control after having had years of that control being unmoored and shaken off. But if youve never been in a relationship like that, the statement doesnt even mean anything. But you get what I mean, dont you?

anyway, we're veering a bit off topic...ours were bullies to the Nth degree maybe, but run o the mill bullies, I think you might be able to neutralize their bully tactics if you let them believe they have control, that they arent losing, but winning instead, but just do what you need to behind their backs.

I'm not a big supporter of clandestine activity, but when it comes to people who think nothing of overpowering and hurting you, it pays to be invisible.

I was pondering kind of the same questions the other day. What if your own perception is not correct? Sounds loopy but these days not sure which is correct and want isnt. Is it just the emotional blackmail and the manipulation he has put me through or is it really as bad as he is saying....not sure.

yep, I understood that thread, unfortunately. I don't think our relationships were typical. To the Nth degree sounds about right.

Taking out the chance of any romantic energy sounds awful to me, but I am living that way right now as well. Thank you for your honest posts. I appreciate them.

thankyou, I appreciate the comfort any abused, or bullied, spouse gets and gives around here

by the way, I looked it up, the movie is called "Enough".

I warn ya, its not that good, but a sausage from a street-side vendor is yummy once in awhile!

wait, that wasnt a good analogy!

ha!

When you are dating, you are not with the person 24/7. It is easier for them to temporarily suppress their need to control. You may see little hints, but it's easy enough to dismiss minor incidents that might indicate a bigger problem. Once you are married, they may think they own you or they may just find it impossible to suppress their behaviors all the time.

I can look back now and see all kinds of signs of his problems. At the time, they were minor arguments. Now, I see the patterns.

hey alc what happen to those lusious boobs

Why is it always a control thing?

what are you think GSCH?

Hikerchic & Phoenix -
I, too, can relate. NO ONE saw this coming with my x. He treated me like a princess, said he would give me the world if he could, said he would be in a ditch if it weren't for me...everyone thought I was so lucky, including myself, to have him as my husband. Everytime I caught him in a lie, he would apologize and beg forgiveness, claiming it would never happen again (and these weren't little lies). Then one day, POOF, he's gone, can't be here anymore, needs some space. We try to work on our marriage, with him out of our home and me raising our toddler alone, for 11 months until I catch him cheating. The minute I confronted him, his behavior became that of a monster, out to "get me" and make me question my sanity. Still that way today and that was 8 months ago...the divorce will be final next week. But going through this, I now see that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship in which he controlled and manipulated me to no end.

I'm sorry you have experienced something similar, but you're not alone.