I can relate all too well. Although we are all different, it is amazing just how "the same" your situation is with well over half of all women who have been married for 20 plus years.--me included. On his side, you have to understand that that the (I still have to censor myself) umm other woman is not really real. What I mean is that she doesn't have a real relationship with your husband.. They may think they do, but it is all a fantasy. She hasn't been in a place to see him at his worst, nor shared the stresses of life, other than in a cute little bubble they have created. He doesn't love her. He loves himself through her eyes--because that is the image he created for her to see. He doesn't want to give that up. Yes, he may think it is all about her and you. He lioves himself more than either one of you and with her, he actually gets to fall in love with himself over and over again until she meets the man you know, and no longer reflects back to him this "new improved child-man" that he is so head-over-heels for. Maybe he will figure that out in counseling, but you need to know that regardless, it isn't you he is really rejecting. He doesn't like the man that you have been married to for 25 years--maybe disappointed in all the things he has done or possibly in the things he never did. The best thing you can do is to be sure you like the person in the mirror and, for now, pursue a life with her, or even better, putting God first. I am still married...it has been two years since my world crumbled. I think I am a better, more fulfilled person than I was then. I wish I could say my marriage was great...but Ibam afraid he has slipped back into old patterns. He denies it. I am considering a divorce, and it is breaking my heart, but I am okay--even looking forward to tomorrow, whatever it may bring. This is a pretty big change from the woman two years ago who didn't know if she could or even wanted to live at all. I will keep you in my prayers.

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/infidelity

If it were me, I would ask him to leave. I would take every step to move on with my life including getting separated officially. I would give him all the room he thought he wanted to carry on his little tryst. What two people have for a few secretive hours once a week or so is a lot different than what two people have that share responsibilities. He thinks he loves both of you? No, he loves you but he is infatuated with her. He doesn't know her really. She doesn't even drive? Is she a dependent type person? She loves her husband? Sounds like they are both idiots to me who are afraid to make a decision either way. Let go or even give him the idea that you are pursuing a new relationship yourself and I'll bet all that infatuation will crumble and he will be doing everything he can to repair your marriage. I don't believe you will hold him begging and pleading him to stay. Let him go and he most likely will come running back to the stable dependable woman he has always loved and needed.

I have told him that what he had with her wasnt real but he doesn't want to hear it at the moment. I dont want him to leave as we had both agreed that we wanted to try and make it work. As far as I know, he has finished the relationship and there is no contact. However, he doesn't reassure me that he is fully committed and so I wonder all the time if he is. I cant keep asking him can I? Its only been 2 weeks since I found out so I know its early days. He has been talking to me a bit more of late but he looks miserable which doesn't help me. It just makes me think he is pining for her and is not happy to be with me. My stomach is constantly churning. It would make me feel a whole lot better if he would reassure me. We have to go out with friends later, something that has been arranged for some time. Originally I said I didnt feel able to go but Ive since said I will. I seem to be putting all the effort in.

My husband was cheating on me I found out he said he wanted to work on our marriage I had him call her and tell her it was over I thought we were moving past it last week he just up and tells me he's not in love with me he loves her and moved out, just recently found out he had been with her for 6 months having sex with her and everything and I feel so stupid and I still would take him back. I feel pathetic. I know I need to move on. It's so hard.

I agree 100% with pfeifferjan. Ask him to move out, give him all the space he needs to be with her. People want what they can't have. Once he can no longer have his cake and eat it too, see how quickly he falls out of "love". Also, I would advise not trying to tell him anything anymore about how what they had wasn't real or try to talk things over. Really, he is not going to listen and needs to learn his lesson the hard way. And get an appointment with a lawyer ASAP. Knowledge is power. Start owning your power.

Honestly if he's having affair then the best approach to handle the situation is to leave him. Why bother be in a situation where a person isn't treating you right. As the saying goes why settle for less. You are strong enough to leave and your better off on your own. Not worth the pain the hurt the drama. Men always want want. But they could never give. If he is cheating on you he isn't a man but a selfish child. A man would never disrespect his wife or girlfriend yet alone sleep with anyone else. You gotta pack your bags and say you know what I deserve better. You know what your worth at thee end of the day. Think of it this way your like a

There is much sound advice on this board and it sounds like you are going to heed it. You should. My only addition is to add that you need to protect yourself legally--you need to speak to an attorney ASAP. Believe me, if he hasn't yet, he will and then you will be behind the 8 ball. My related piece of advice is that he needs to leave your home (see advice piece #1) and you need to get control of ALL family finances, but speak with the lawyer first. Even a phone consultation will help you figure out what your jurisdiction will allow (mine is first to the bank gets the cash which helps only 1/2 of most married couples). Now. Seriously.

As to the emotional stuff, after you address the first part, talk. With everybody you can trust. Don't think you have anyone? HA! I NEVER in a million years thought my "devoted, darling" would cheat with his sister's best friend, videotape their exploits and then lie to me about the sex/love talk/texting for years. They LIE, not (only) because they're despicable human beings, but in their heart they know better. Be better than most of us---refuse his definition of his affair as somehow reflective of you. Learn better. Know better. Believe us. HIS DECISIONS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING. It is so hard to believe that but there is nothing truer. He could have come to you, sought out a counselor, read a book (!!) or any number of other steps---instead he took a flight to fantasyland where she doesn't pick up his socks, he doesn't fart on her and she can brush her teeth before he wakes up....He doesn't know the real her and she, for damn sure, doesn't know anything about him, other than that he's a liar, cheater and untrustworthy. Is she really getting a deal? Nope.

Think about it. She's not going to want him when you're not involved because you've been propping him up for years--she's enamored with him so let her deal with his reality!! YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS AND PEOPLE TO DEAL WITH IN YOUR LIFE!!! Think about it this way--he's given you a passport to freedom--all you need to do is decide if you are worth taking that offer. No more letting him dictate the terms of your life; you get to decide when you act and with whom. I'm not saying this is "easy" but let me be abundantly clear--it is Your life. Grab it. Run.

Leave him to figure out how he's going to manage without you because, darling, you are amazing.

Its been 2 weeks since I found out about the affair. I thought he wanted to work on the marriage but today he tells me he needs to move out as he needs space. He was planning to stay until the weekend but I cant cope with him twisting the knife anymore so I asked him to go today. I have been so reasonable since I found out and tried my hardest to allow him to deal with his feelings, whilst trying to cope with mine. He says the affair has finished. He says he loves me, (I suspect like an old pair of slippers) but things have changed, he's confused and resents me. He resents me! He's the one who cheated! I guess he loves me but is not in love with me, that old chestnut.
It would seem that most of your comments have been spot on, but I was hoping we would be different. How wrong was I?
Strangely enough he now says he'll come to counselling with me! I think he wants to date me and see if the spark will reignite. Im so confused. Im not sure if he means it or whether he's just using this as a stepping stone to permanent separation/divorce.