I'm going down this same path right now with my gf. Trust me it makes the pain worse when you know things that should just be left alone. I had access to her email and other financials that when I was able to look up and know what was going on it made it worse for me. Now that I don't have access anymore I don't have to deal with the daily anxiety of knowing that I can just log in and look at what is going on. It hurts more knowing and once I got shut off I felt like I had a burden taken off my shoulders....she helped me out. I know your situation is different since he is still home and my girlfriend is not. She left on her own terms and things are getting better. Do you really want to deal with the anxiety and heartbreak of having to think that this is going on day after day, hour after hour? It was not fun for me and even though I wish things were different and she was still here I don't have the stress of having to hide my emotions daily anymore....even though I work with her...ha! I am no expert but in the five months I have had going through this I make myself stronger every day because I want to be better for myself and my daughter....not for her anymore. Hugs.

When I discovered my EX's cheating it turned my life upside down. It kind of happened in stages. One fall I found out he had a page on social media I didn't know about. Of course he acted like it was no big deal and that he had a right to having "friends." I knew he had friends, and I was never jealous over the friendships he had with women because he never gave me any reason to be. He said these women all lived far away therefore they were not threat to us. He voluntarily closed the account and in marriage counseling agreed to cut off all contact.

Like I said, my world was upside down and the trust was gone, so I snooped. Then, in the spring of the following year I found a email address he was using. He had sent an I love you and will always love you message to a woman. I confronted him and of course he was angry with me. By this time marriage counseling was over (counselor threw in the towel). He said it was over but he couldn't help himself....boo hoo, same as your H. Everything was about him and his feelings and as far as he was concerned, I was always throwing this in his face. Then more crap came out of the closet. Lots of stuff I don't want to share here. I still went to individual counseling. In the summer I thought we were on the road to recovery and bam, another discovery......he was sending money to some lady. Again, when I confronted him, it was all MY fault for snooping. I told him I wanted a divorce and for him to be out of the house by the end of the week.

Affairs are dangerous, especially emotional affairs. We were married over 20 years. On the outside we looked good, but that was all. He was emotionally attached to other women over half our marriage....over HALF was a lie. I don't want to live a lie.

I recommend a good book pretty often around here on emotional affairs. It's by Dr Shirley Glass. Its called Not Just Friends. I suggest you read a copy. (((HUGS)))

The fact that you are coming to terms with this is a start in the right direction. And talking with a counselor will help your raw emotions and further understanding of the betrayal and humiliation. I hope you can agree to work this out, time will tell, if not then only you will know what is best for you. We humans do really stupid things without weighing the consequences and the effects our selfish behaviors will take on our families, friends and spouses. I am praying for your healing and strength to get through this, a day at a time. Blessings.
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Yes, this is so hard. Recommend you do nothing for a short while except pray, pray, pray until the shock is over. Then 1. begin to talk to the people around you. You'll be surprised how many have gone through this and can help you get your equilibrium back. 2. Make a pro and con list about whether to save your marriage. 3. Review his words and actions calmly when you are apart. Look for sincerity and real repentance. 4. Think about your deal breaker or bottom line in your relationship. 5. Love and respect yourself no matter what.

My experience is that once the betrayer learns you are monitoring devices, he or she will introduce a new device that is not monitored. My wife used a prepaid/burner phone for continued contact before she decided to give it up. Both you and your husband need to read the book "Helping Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." It is a short read and should only take a couple hours. It validates everything you are feeling and spells out in no uncertain terms what your husband will have to do to mend this. I'll warn you. It is one thing to say you are commuted to what it takes, and something completely different to maintain the very difficult regimen. You are in my prayers.

Thank you all so much for your comments and advice. Things are pretty strained at the moment. I would like to ask him if he has received any texts from her or her family since he finished it last night, but Im trying not to mention it as our first counselling session is tomorrow so I figure that no contact should come up during the session. I dont know what to expect though, I hope it doesn't cause us to be even more alienated.
I know that I have only just scraped the surface of the lies and things that he should have told me and I agree with drewemc that sometimes its better not to know. But equally it eats away at me. Im telling myself that one hour's counselling is not going to make things better overnight, but I hope it doesn't scare him away.

Have you tried contacting the cellular provider for a detailed list of his/calls texts? If he has not already done so, you should be able to set up an online account to see the calls he makes. If you are on a family plan you should be able to see calls for all numbers in the plan. If you have a family plan, you can call the provider (provide the appropriate identifiers, ssn,etc) and get that account set up even if he has his own separate account.

I really think it is going to be difficult on all fronts to even mention let alone install Spyware on his cell. It will likely make him defensive and even angry (that you don't trust him) and start shifting the blame onto you. Not to mention, he can easily purchase another cell phone, if he knows the Spyware has been installed, and use the new phone to contact her.

It might be easier to look into GPS trackers for his vehicle. Have you confided with anyone who could help you track his whereabouts? For example, if your husband has fairly regular work hours, your friend could see if he goes straight to work, comes home immediately after work etc.

I bring this up, as a way to protect you, because of how emotionally attached your husband seems to be. I believe it would be really devastating for you to work to rebuild trust after the affair and then later find out that he was still with her. Again, this is just a thought about a possible precautionary measure to prevent further heartbreak for you. Best, case you ease some of your angst about whether he is seeing her, which would be a huge relief to you and help you stay strong during this difficult time. If it turns out he is still contacting her, I would imagine it would be better to know sooner rather than later. Really sorry you are going through such a painful experience!

1) get tested for STDs, immediately
2) get a counselor, immediately
3) get a lawyer, immediately
4) dig for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about this betrayal and any others
5) go back to item 3)
6) go to court and get as much as you deserve

It sounds like you are helping him avoid the consequences of his behavior. How incredibly selfish and disrespectful that he would dare to cry to you about having to break things off with his AP. You don't have to deliberately announce his transgressions to others, but he doesn't deserve to stay there with you. He needs to earn that privilege. And as far as what you tell your son...stand up tall and tell him that nobody is allowed to disrespect you that way.

Thanks Songbird, I know that, in my desperation to keep him, I have been very weak and am allowing him to continue disrepecting me, which is wrong but I cant help it. Whilst I am prepared to accept some of the responsibility for things missing in our marriage, I do not deserve the betrayal. I suspect that the reasons he wanted to move out for a while were so that he doesnt have to face me (cowardly in my view) and more than likely so that he could continue to talk to her and probably meet up with her, which really worries me. He is still at home at the moment and we are trying to maintain some kind of normality. He has been going to the gym after work which means we arent spending too much time together. I haven't brought the subject up since he broke it off with her, mainly because we were due to have our first counselling session tonight; however that has had to be postponed due to the counsellor being ill. Im feeling frustrated by this but think my husband is relieved. I asked him if he has received any texts from her since he broke it off and he said no but is that the truth? I suspect he may have turned off his text notification tone as I never hear his phone going off now whereas it was going off regularly before. I worry constantly that she might break up with her husband, and mine would then go to her. I dont want to live with this constant anxiety and I know Im weak.

My husband is now saying he doesn't want to go to counselling because he cant see a way of moving forward. I said unless we try, we will never know. I asked him if he has changed his mind about staying he says no. He said we'll go out and do things together, but I dont think he wants anything else.

Couples counselling doesn't work until you've both had individual counselling. He's not going open up in front of you or the therapist. What you're doing is something we often see here with spouses who cannot grasp what has happened to them.

He's not going to tell you the truth, and in all honesty, you'd be naive to think so. He's emotionally torn and will not let you into his world, that belongs to him and his affair partner, you can't compete with that right now, he's still in the fog. Him showing you that letter/email/text is proof of this. Him not wanting to go to therapy is also proof that he isn't finished with her and could be taking the affair underground until the coast is clear.

You may also benefit from posting this on the Infidelity Support Group board.

Wishing you well.

Thank you. I have already decided that I will go to counselling on my own. We haven't had a good marriage in a very long time, fault on both sides, but unless he's changed his mind, he said he loves me and enjoys my company. Now this has happened I don't want to go back to the way things were. I want to reconnect and build a good marriage. Surely if I can try to do that after everything he has put me through then he should try too. He seems very negative today. He's sad about having to give up contact with the OW and her family I know but it's almost as if he's punishing me. He finished work early and went into the local town and said I could go with him if I wanted too. It was fairly obvious he didn't want me to so I didn't. Last week he said he would do everything he can to make things right but that was before he finished with her. Now he is very distant again. Am I expecting too much too soon? Or am I being stupid?

He's not remorseful over the affair, he's resentful that he got caught, and there's a big difference between remorse and resentment. Post this over on the Infidelity Board.

You're not being stupid, but perhaps naive is more appropriate. You're trying to fix what he did, and you can't do that. He is the only one who can fix that. The betrayed wife who attempts to fix the infidelity is misguided.

The only thing you can do is set the boundaries and guidelines, then go and work on yourself, to heal the damage he has done to you. He resents you right now, and is blame-shifting, and you're taking the bait and trying to claim half responsibility because of how he's reacting, and it's the wrong thing to do.

Ask the many supportive and insightful spouses on the Infidelity Board how to proceed.

Wishing you well.

You wrote that you were scheduled for therapy and that was cancelled. Who was called and notified? You or him? I'm wondering if it was him, if he lied about cancellation since he is now saying he doesn't want to go.

I think you should go to counseling for yourself. It sounds to me like he is "on the fence." You need to go for yourself in order to prepare yourself for anything that happens. It won't work miracles and often you leave feeling bad due to all the feelings that get drummed up, don't let that stop you from going. (((HUGS)))