We have now had another chat. He says he loves me and that is why he is staying and is prepared to work on aspects of our marriage. However he never wants to be intimate with me again and when I asked him if he could try he flatly refused. He said he will always be thinking of her. It's non negotiable. He doesn't want to hurt me anymore so doesn't want to talk about it again. I said I didn't want that, I want a proper marriage and am willing to try. He says we have lived like it for years so we can go back to that.

That's disturbing. If I were you, I would get to counseling and start meeting with lawyers. Don't let him know about the lawyers. Just get information should it come to that because; should he serve you papers out of the blue, that's not the time to be making big decisions. Sorry you are going through this. When I found out about my EX's cheating we had been together a total of 30 years. I did not want to throw it away and I love his family, they have been sooo good to me. So I took the whole thing as an opportunity for us to make some positive changes for us both.

His actions are not matching up with what he is saying...I don't want to hurt you....I don't want to be intimate with you...those two things don't jive. You are not the first person to go through this situation. Should it come to divorce, well....I'm here to tell you it's not a death sentence...you can make it to the other side. Hang in there (((HUGS)))

I think if you were to tell him it's over and you want him out, his tune would change in an instant.

Im not so sure. I have tried to get through to him again just now. He just keeps saying over and over that the physical side has gone and you cant get something back thats gone. I said you can try, he says he's being honest and doesnt want to mislead me. He just keeps repeating over and over that its gone, but we can try and build on other aspects. I said I dont want to spend the rest of my life devoid of love and affection. I said if he loves me he would want in time to make love to me just to be close. He says not and more or less said he's not physically attracted to me anymore. I hate him right now

That's not a marriage, that's him blameshifting his affair onto you. It's up to you to decide what's acceptable. He's laid out his plan. If that sounds ok then best wishes. If it sounds horrific and completely unacceptable then divorce his cheating ass and take him to the cleaners.

That's my situation exactly, we were in therapy I thought we was working through this, and he dropped the bombshell he's in love with her and he's done. It's been almost a week since he left and me and the kids are struggling not sleeping not eating. I'm angry and want him back. He came over to talk yesterday and he was like I can't help how I feel. I wish I could , didn't make me feel any better, like a idiot I said I love u and just want u back and he was like I knew u would. So hard.

Really sorry you are going through this misery too. It is so difficult. I have told my husband that I need to concentrate on me at the moment or otherwise I will become ill. I accept what he says for now, and said we should try and build on the love and friendship we have for our sake and the family. Ive acknowledged we are both hurting and told him we need to start caring for one another and being nice to one another, I put all this in an email as he didnt want to keep talking, and it was something to do during another sleepless night. I am going for counselling on my own next week. He seems very angry and I dont understand why. I am agreeing to everything he says. What other alternative do I have at the moment? Feel as though I cant win. Am making a real effort but getting nothing back

It is "normal" for your husband to be sad about the end of the relationship with the OW. It shows he is human, has emotions, and isn't a sociopath. He invested a great deal of energy, time, and emotion into their relationship, and it just went *POOF!* That sure doesn't make any of this easier for you, but don't get lost in that detail. There are pros and cons to "moving out" or "staying in the marital home." Fact is, your friends, family, and neighbors probably had an inkling anyway. Still, I recommend not going public until/unless you absolutely have to. When you and your husband get back on track, it won't help anything for everyone to think he's a total asshole.

I agree with Misred - speak to a lawyer, discreetly. You should be able to find one that gives a free initial consultation. Find out your rights. You have a right to know about all financial accounts and you have a right to see the cell phone bill. You were blindsided by this. When I say to see a lawyer, I'm not saying "get divorced right now", but I am saying, it's going to take a while to make this decision, so start gathering all the info you can! If there is to be a divorce, be ahead of him in the game, and gather your info while he's distracted by someone else. There's no shame in you sneaking around talking to lawyers, since he has been sneaking around on you. Tit for tat.

Asked husband earlier if he still wants to try and make things work and he said he thinks so. He's already told me he loves me as a friend so I have to accept this for now. During the first few days after I found it seemed he was much more keen on working things out. As time goes on I wonder if he is having second thoughts. Or is this just all part and parcel of our joint hurt and grieving?

I gave him a cuddle earlier but he just stood there like a block of stone. Is this normal? Surely it should be me acting like this not him?

He is making you suffer because you insisted he break off all contact with the other woman. Picture him as a 3 year old who has just been told he can't do something. His pain is self-inflicted. Don't take on responsibility for it. You've got enough pain of your own to carry around. He knows exactly how to play you and that is exactly what he is doing.

You wrote: Asked husband earlier if he still wants to try and make things work and he said he thinks so. He's already told me he loves me as a friend so I have to accept this for now

So that is much different than him saying accept this forever. Also, on the hug, yes, I would say this is normal, he has already said he is putting you in the friend zone. Abide by his wishes for now and don't hug him anymore. I'm suggesting this to protect YOU because the rejection hurts and will make you feel worse.

Once you start your counseling, hopefully you can find a good counselor to guide you on this. Perhaps over time your husband will see a change in you and jump onboard. I know you are angry at him for what he has done, but right now he is going through a break up. All you have to do is read some posts around here and see what it does to someone. It may sound like I'm taking his side, believe me, I am not. I just think right now any attempts you make towards intimacy will just backfire and make you the bad guy in all this.

Again, I'm praying the counselor you have chosen is a great fit for you. (((HUGS))) Hang in there

Yes, it should be you acting like this not him. Funny how the tables are turned and he's the villain. The mollycoddling is making him retract further away and is probably irritating the heck out of him. You're in damage control mode. It seems like you're trying to get things back to the way things were before this all happened. It's a symptom of being in shock over the infidelity, and quite common for betrayed spouses to take this route directly after d day, in an attempt to salvage your world map which is currently land-sliding all over the place.

He's angry because he doesn't get to play with his favourite toy anymore. He's in the fog still, and perhaps talking to your therapist can help you see that. He resents that he's been caught. He is not remorseful and without that, you can't reconcile, not even a friendship, let alone a marriage. And I'm not sure forcing a square peg into the round hole, is going to work.

You're trying to fix it, but you can't. He has to fix himself, and you have to fix yourself first and foremost. Once you are both along your way of being fixed, for lack of a better term, you will be in a better place to decide whether you want to work on the marriage, or separate. There's no express or overnight deliveries, LOL. At the moment he doesn't want to let go of her memory and he is cherishing her in his mind, and you can't compete with this. The more you want him to let go of her, the harder he's going to hold on.

He needs to express to you and out loud, that what he did was wrong in every sense. He needs to come to realize that it is not acceptable under any circumstances, and that he is now in the doghouse for doing it, not you. It doesn't seem like he's even come close to this. He's attempting to sweep all the feelings around it under the rug, and that's never a good thing longterm. To be honest, this isn't the time to be letting him crawl away without getting to the bottom of it, or it will come back to bite you in the ass.

Thank you everyone; you talk such sense. and are helping me a lot. Unfortunately he does say its friendship for us for good. It was me that said I will accept it for now. I know there can be no quick fixes. His behaviour these last few days though is making me feel that he is building up to leaving.