the same. Even as a child sort of complicated and conflicting behaviour.

don't remember, all this started thirty years ago so too long ago to remember who i was before that. don't think too different just more an intensity of me.

As a child, I was a little eccentric to say the least. As an adult, pre-bp, I was driven, ambitious, sucessful, confident, absolutely UNSTOPPABLE. Everyday tho', I see more and more of me coming back. Now, whether I am actually getting better or just extremely manic remains to be seen! lol xx

I grew up in a very volatile home with alot of rage and frustration. I am not sure which triggered my disorder............my emotions due to my fathers behavior or being molested for six years from the time I was 8 by my uncle who was 8 years older than I. What I do remember is having a very emotionally charged personality who always wanted to die. I had some very loving people in my life who kept me together. I never want to go back to those days remembering all the pain and turmoil and intense emotion and behavior. Its been a long road to learning to manage my disorder and find the "true' me that was buried under all the pain. Life is much easier now for me and more fulfilling. I still struggle with the cycles but I feel I have dug through all the "junk" that constantly threatened my sanity.

Blessings today for your appt. Believe in your heart that you will get where you want to be and allow your therapist to help you get there. Hugs

I'm sorry to hear that Shelly...but I'm glad you're getting through.

I'll be, unfortunately, taking a lot out on my tdoc today. An hour flies by when you have a lot to say. I hate that.

I was "weird" as a child. One of my best friend's mother would always have to explain to other parents of kids that I was "harmless", or that's "just the way she is, don't worry." I remain very close to my friend's mother to this day. I should call her.

On the outside... Super Over Achiever
Succeeded at everything I set out to do.

On the inside I battled with Depression but was able to hide it from the world.

Then about 5 years ago I lost my confidence.
But it's coming back!!!

Iv always been this way.
As a kid I completly lived in my own little fantasy world and always enjoyed my own company more than others. I was always both an introvert and an extrovert depending on the timing and moods. I was always able to express myself fully and always lived in the darker realm of life.
My first memorable episode was when I was 10, I had a depression that lasted about 3 months, maybe a lot more I dont remember time line only that I had it for a whole summer but looking back on it now I dont think it ever reali went away except for the manic outbursts sparadically placed here and there in between.
I was always the odd one and always the black sheep of the family. I was always the one people talked to in school when they needed to know something weird or about something strange or dark. I was always the one arguing in religion class and had a reali abnormal interest in mathematics.
I was always delusional and always saw myself as differant and capable of things others arent capable of.
I was always the one who pushed thiongs to the limit and extreme, always the one who went over the top, always the one who took the first leap and always the one who people listened to the most.
As an adult things become differant though. The more into society we delve and the more personal responsibility my life gained the worse I got. Issues of abandonment, lonliness, isolation in a very foreign country, not knowing that im BP and basically having no help or family or friends around for a very long time all lead to certain syptoms being hieghtened. Developed extreme anxiety, OCD, BPD, Agoraphobia, the voices got worse, my social skills diminished, I became afraid of any confrontation, lost most my friends, couldnt answer the phone(everytime it rang id jump out of my skin), stoped eating, either slept all the time or stayed awake all the time, and I basically slowly began to shut down and break from reality full time.
Like I said I think I was always BP but in my early adult life circumstance combined with my own stubborness (I cant go home to ireland until i make it on my own out here in america), the complete lack of support and help, and the already present symptons of BP, all joined forces and made me the unstable, insane, eccentric genious that I am today.
At this point I need stabalizing because Iv too many problems to be able to handle the unstability anymore.
But all in all I'm pretty much the same person, I'm just that little bit more off the wall than I used to be.

I was....me? Well, little threads of my spirit are still part of me.
Kinda think that everyone born in this planet is weathered & altered by life: whether it be things on a larger scale- war, famine, persecution & those kind of hardships..or wow, so many variables..but y'know...nobody is unscathed. Doesn't everyone face something? Loss, injustice, heartbreak, disappointment, disease? & good things too, carry their own headtwisting power (so I hear ;) )
off topic?

I have opened this post and closed it about 4 times. But the truth is I hate to think about who I used to be. I tend to forget since my DX of Bipolar my lupus has gone into remission. I was a sick child and now Im a sick adult. But Im more content in my own skin. No one ever knew it but I always knew I was alittle wacky in the head because of how emotional I always was. When I used to get fired up and angry or if someone gave me some criticism *sp* I would get so pissed I would immediately start to cry and scream and freak the fuck out. I would have panic attacks and end up in the hospital with a lupus attack and had to get shots of serious pain killers so I could even walk. I remember once in High School me and the boyfriend at the time got into a bad fight and I drove my car right into another one from a fit of rage. Thats just one of the stupid things Ive done in a rage. I remember being a little girl and takeing my moms nail polish and throwing it with all my might into a wall breaking the bottle , getting glass everywhere , ruining furniture and stinking up the place. My room smelled like a nail salon and I had about 50 holes in the wall. Ive always been hyper sexual ..makeing out with girls before boys. Extreamly needy and would cry for days. When I was a teen I had to take steroids for the lupus and Im sure I dont have to tell you that years of steroid use plus zoloft will drive a Bipolar to a maniac. I would get into fist fights and was suspended from school all the time. After HS I did alot of self medicateing with drugs and booze. Continued that untill about 3 years ago when I had to go into the hospital. Getting meds to make me feel better and got a great pdoc in the process. I went back to Church and gave my heart to Jesus and my life has changed drasticly. Nothing is perfect but life is smooth sailing now. Im in love , live much more healthy and Im fineally comfortable with my life. Ive grown into a good person and Im happy about it. WOW what a ramble this was.

before BP i was not afraid
i was an excellent student
then i was raped
and the only reason i graduated on time was the extra credits i had from AP courses
then i was diagnosed BP
swooped up by folks and forced to attend community college

i used to be a runner
and athlete
all long distance events, running and swimming
now
from all of the weight gain
i can't even get up a flight of stairs without wheezing

i used to be a flirt
now i am just afraid

and none of the local rape crisis offices will give me services because i am mentally ill
and they feel their therapists are just not well trained enough to deal with someone who is PTSD and bipolar

i used to be pretty
now i am this fat blob
and i only consume maybe 1500 calories a day
i can't exercise much
but yoga for the curvy figure starts in two weeks
perhaps that will help

i used to be somebody

Who am I? I am a person with feelings the same as other, except I have bipolar feelings.

I am like a small wheel, I start up easily and go super fast at no time whatsoever. But if a pebble is in the road I am stopped easily.

I am also like the large wheel. Slow and clumsy. It takes forever for me to get started but once I do I can't be stopped. I just run over anything in front of me.

I am me and I am alone, except for a pesky fly that hide my fly swatter.

Before bipolar I "Full of life." Could handle anything. I was the back bone for lots of people. When their lives were troubled I was always there to pick up the pieces. I was also the person that could always make you laugh at any given situation. Everyone would always say I was sweet and funny. I was thrilled and excited about life. Everyday was something new and the future was wide open. I was on time with everything, I anticipated holidays cause I would always cook huge meals, and loved to do christmas shopping. Now I am just an afraid lost soul. I barely go out of my house. I would rather stay inside because I am afraid that something out there will trigger my moods. I do not take care of myself. I used to be known as the pretty, outgoing, funny, talkative person. People always told me that I didnt look like I had three kids. Now, I just sit at home gaining more and more wieght. It so sad and terrible. I just hope it all get s better before it gets worse. Because I want that life back again someday.

I was that kid they kept skipping up in school til I was 15 and set to graduate, than BLAMMO! I think the pressure of graduating at such an early age stacked on top of a lot of other crap that happened earlier was what triggered me. Haven't been back to school since except for some courses in foreign and dead languages just for shits n giggles.

I was a girl that fit into every clique, even if I didn't look like I belonged. I could get a huge house party together in a single night. I got fat after having kids, got anorexic after that, gained it back, anorexic again, gained it back and then some...and here I am now. I used to be confident in absolutely everything I did...even so far as thinking that I knew more than others or did it better. I was never ashamed of my appearance, but now I only leave the house for appointments and important events that I cannot avoid.

I don't have passion for anything anymore, except for helping others...yet I can't commit to anything, so I can't do my job or even volunteer. I used to have so much to do that I had to pick and choose between things. Now I just have to get up in the morning to make sure the kids get to school...and that's it for the day.

I used to be someone more important. I used to be someone that anyone could talk to. I'm too terrified to sound mentally ill to even talk much now.

i feel the same as u hanna i used to feel like i was a somebody now i feel like i don't know who i am anymore.