Yeah but if it's some one you don't even know it's just common sense to not friend them regardless of age.

And no offense but this is the internet it's even more dangerous than the real world! I just don't agree with using your real photo, now every drooling perv on the internet knows what you look like. This site isn't members only any one can look at it and read it they might decide just to join so they can get close to you. Especially if they follow all your posts.

I know people feel safe on the virtual world but it's more dangerous than people realize. You might think that no one will be able to find you in real life but you just never know.

Not just sexual predators be aware of scam artists and hackers too. Any thing you put online you just have to assume that any old person can see it.

I'm not trying to make any one paranoid here but it's something every one should be aware of so they can take measures to protect them selves.

And also some perverts will use some one else's photo. Any one can make up any lie they like and how will you know?

I'm a male, a few years shy of 40 yet (and just happened to notice this post through a mutual friend!). I can see both sides of this discussion. Yes, there is undeniably a lot of creepy behavior that takes place on sites like this. When I see older men especially making "friends" with teenagers it makes my skin crawl.

But on the other side of it, what if a male 44-50 is just looking to meet people (in a non sexual way) and just discuss issues... what are they supposed to do? How should they distinguish themselves from the perverts? Sometimes when exchanging messages with any female I feel like I need to go out of my way to say something like "By the way, I'm married and not looking to hook up with you." But that just sounds weird and forced (and sometimes I feel bad like I'm making her feel unattractive, which I do not want to do at all). But I agree with you, I see so many men engaging in (what to me is) clearly inappropriate behavior that I can't help but feel I'm being lumped in with them, even though I honestly have no intention of doing or saying anything "perverted"... I just struggle with knowing how to communicate that appropriately.

I hope you don't mind me as a male complete stranger posting on your thread. :) I think this is a very pertinent issue though. If any of you have any suggestions I would love to hear them!

I see where you're coming from. It must be tough to be a genuinely nice guy when so many jerks ruined your reputation. Maybe the older men should stay away from the teen-20 something year old women. Instead, maybe they can find friends that are women that are secure and 30 and up, that's more appropriate in my opinion. I just really get grossed out by older older men thinking they've got a shot with young 20 somethings or teens. Now, there are probably young women who wouldn't mind talking to an older man say at the age of 45 and maybe that really works out without any inappropriateness. But it does sometimes happen. I guess we just have to go with our instincts, which can be hard over the internet sometimes.

No offense but it is always inappropriate for a 40+ male to make friends with a teenage female. Even if his intentions are pure, he's putting himself in a bad position. Especially and unstable teen. Best to let that up to some older females for guidance.

Besides what the F does a 40 year old male really have in common with a teen age girl? Nothing! And any normal and not predatorial older male will not purposely seek out a teen aged girl for any reasons! It's not normal nor appropriate behavior!

And if you don't have enough common sense to know that by now then shame on you!

especially on a forum that is teenage and sex related. They should pretty much be chased out of there!

I tend to agree with you that there should probably be some "common sense" rules about age difference when initiating conversations with strangers. The only trouble is my idea of "common sense" is different from other people's... and sometimes the lines can be kind of blurry. For instance, I'm 33... and married to a 30 year old woman... how young is too young for me to want to talk to someone? 25? 23? 18? Personally, rather than age, I tend to look at the reasons why I might want to talk to someone... generally an issue that we have in common, or maybe something interesting they had to say on a board I happened to read. (Would you be creeped out if I sent you a friend request based on this thread? Haha...) However, I could easily see where a few years down the road (when I actually hit 40?) maybe if I approach people based on things like that, without even realizing it, I may really come across as a genuine pervert. I hope not, but I really don't know how other people perceive what I have to say sometimes.

My own rule of thumb is that I won't initiate conversations with people under 18, but if they contact me first in a respectful way, I will respond to any appropriate questions they ask -- or if a teenager posts something on a public board that I feel I know something about, I won't hesitate to reply on the same public board. If they are older than 18, I figure they are mature enough that they can choose for themselves whether they want a conversation with me or not. If a few people pre-judge me and avoid me because of my age and gender, I suppose I just have to live with that. I can't fault anyone for being cautious. I just wish I could wear a sign on my forehead that says "I AM NOT A PERVERT" or something like that. Of course if there were such a sign, no doubt the perverts would all be wearing them too. (sigh...)

@doorknob (Since you partially responded to some of what I said while I was still typing) -- Yes, I would tend to agree that 40+/teenager is pretty clear-cut inappropriate for a private conversation. On a public board I can see it, IF there is an issue that the 40 year old and teenager genuinely have in common (which might be true of some of the medical/psychiatric issues that are covered on DS). On a public board there is (at least theoretically) moderation as well as the other members of the board to provide a measure of accountability.

The trouble with common sense is knowing exactly where the boundaries are. So we agree that 40+/teenager is clearly inappropriate. What about 40+/20+? What about 30+/older teen (18+)? I tend to think if I'm old enough to be someone's parent, I probably shouldn't be talking to them about intimate issues... but right now that criterion takes me down to about 15, which is kind of a no-brainer anyway. It's those who are, say, 8-10 years younger than myself that I have a hard time with deciding what is appropriate.

Ultimately I will still stick to the position that motives are more important than age. Motives are hard to judge though (sometimes even our own motives). It's a tough question.

I like your thinking midnight77 and the part about the pervert sign really made me laugh, well played

First of all if you can't using reasoning logic or common sense to figure out what is appropriate or inappropriate then just like an alcoholic that knows they can't drink, you should know not to talk to 18 or under women. I would personally make 25 my limit at age 30.

But really a 20 year old should know what she wants or doesn't want. 18 that's pretty questionable. Legal but not really an adult yet.

And posting something on a public forum is one thing but chatting and private messaging and befriending a teenage girl is inappropriate no matter how you slice it.

And midnight why do you feel you need to assert that you aren't a pervert. If you truly aren't a pervert than you don't need to prove anything. If a woman can't figure it out just by talking to you then you should move on. Unless you are glutton for punishment or you're asking for trouble.

This is how men get them selves in trouble! There really should be some kind of manual about this stuff. The problem is too many men really just don't know and with idiots out their who encourage bad behavior or men who are too cowardly to speak out against it there really is no common sense any more.

I know it's confusing as hell but honestly if you have to question it than maybe you shouldn't do it.

I know that every thing isn't black and white there are always grey areas but consider what I said as a general guidelines. These are like unwritten rules.

Also I find that too many women are just too naive even at ages well above 30. Women who don't have a lot of experience with men get into trouble. I know not all men are pigs but I find that good men are hard to find simply because they are quiet and in the background. The pigs are always the ones making a scene or behaving in away that gets attention.

I don't know what happened but it's like mothers didn't even bother to teach their daughters any common sense. Typically because they didn't have any them selves. And with messages that young girls are bombarded with all the time it's no wonder they end up being eating by predators.

The problem is people do blame the victim for being too stupid to know but let the perpetrator off the hook. Maybe the victim should have known better but that's no excuse to take advantage of some one. If people would come down on these predators harder then they would think twice about what they are doing.

Last note. Science has proven that women might not really be able to handle the sexual freedom they enjoy. Having sex with the same partner a few times can cause the emotion of love in the brain. Basically the woman get's tricked into thinking she's in love when under other circumstances she might have wised up and moved on. Not every woman but it's still a general rule.

that chemical change can happen for men to but testosterone can interfere or block it that's why men are less likely to associate sex with love.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying women should never have sex but they really should get to know the man well before they jump in their bed. That's something you don't always learn until you get burned enough times.

Just to be clear, I'm not talking about sex at all in this discussion. I pretty much take it for granted that using a support site like this to make dating/sexual propositions to people you have never met is pretty much always inappropriate, regardless of age. This is Daily Strength, not eHarmony! I think it's hard enough to bare your soul about the difficult issues in your life without feeling like you need to guard what you say because of random strange people hitting on you at every turn.

In general I think it's inappropriate to talk about sex at all with someone you have not already gotten to know really really well, unless, again, it's in the context of talking about how it relates to a shared medical/psychological condition. In that sense maybe I am overly prudish... but I know all too well that sex is very good at making people incapable of thinking clearly.

What I am talking about is just having a friendly conversation that is at least tangentially related to our purpose(s) for being here... which may or may not even be the same. I've found that some of the very best friends I have made here on DS (male and female both) are those who do not share exactly the same "issues" as I have, but who nonetheless have faced many of the same mental/emotional/social challenges I have faced. I freely admit to always having been somewhat socially awkward... that's part of why I'm here. I think I feel the need to explain myself so much out of a mixture of nervousness and lack of self-confidence (yes, this post is included in that statement!). I do that in real life too. On the other hand I think some people here definitely have entirely too much self-confidence, if you know what I mean. If only there were a happy medium of some sort...

This is good discussion. @doorknob, I'm not trying to fight with you at all, and the contrary I really do appreciate your candor. And no, I am not trying to hit on you by saying that. ;) ;) ;)

I'm glad you know all that. There is no problem then at all.

I do understand it's unfortunate but a lot of men are very mixed up. there are lots of mixed signals out there and their "manliness" is always under attack.

It's hard to be confident when the world is full of uncertainty at every turn and the older you get the more doubt and uncertain you become. Deception is also unhelpful.

This is getting a little off topic of the OP. Still I think it should be said.

I'm glad your being open. Just don't take every thing as a personal slam against you per say. I think that women do need to hear a mans perspective so that they CAN learn more about male psychology. You'd be surprised at the number of women right here on the bp forum who self admit that they can't and don't understand men at all.

And I didn't take it as a fight. Stick around and you might get to know me a little better. I'm not afraid of a difference of opinion. Nor am I afraid to be criticized all though people some times think I'm being defensive even when I'm not. Or they project their anger into my words that wasn't there.

Personally, I am of the conviction that one cannot have too many friends. I offer friend requests to almost all the newbies I chance on, basically just so they have one more friend on their very short list, and have helped acclimate quite a few to the site, with a warm welcome and answering questions they may present to me, or simply being there when I can to talk to, usually via im's or the chat here.
Also, If someone makes a post or reply that I can relate to, I'll bounce them a friend request. I've had quite a few requests from others, and have never declined a friend request. That said, when I SEND a friend request, it is precisely that. A REQUEST, and NOT a DEMAND. I don't care, not even a little bit, whether they accept it.
A (very few) of my 'friends' here are teens. I always keep two or three tabs open at once, and during a chat, I pull up their profile to see who I'm talking to, to better choose the words I use, and know their particular problems to see where they are coming from that I may formulate the most appropriate communication I can for their individual situation.

While some majority (I haven't counted this one, nor do I intend to) of my 'friends' are female, it's likely because I simply prefer to communicate with women. In response to your issue of 'young, pretty women', I just counted - only 17 of my 72 friends here even have what MAY OR MAY NOT be their real pictures, male or female.

I now recognize YOU as one to whom I've recently dropped a friend request. I don't remember what the thread was, or even what you said. Noting that you say "44 or 50" where most would choose to say something like "40 or 50", "over 40", "twice my age", or "old enough to be my father", and that *I* am 44, I FEEL (and perhaps I am wrong) as if your comments are directed specifically at me.

While I do feel somewhat offended at your coming to a false conclusion (IF you should actually be directing this one at myself), I do realize that we all have problems, I recognize that as a woman, one must be careful, but all you need to do boils down to pretty much a very few things:

1. DO NOT SHARE PERSONAL INFORMATION THAT YOU DO NOT WISH TO SHARE.
2. Realize that a 'friend' request here is NOT a marriage proposal, but simply a means to facilitate communication between the two of you.
3. Recognize that it is the true perverts here that would fail to understand number 2, and that THIS fact is the best way to determine their motives.
4. Lastly, whether they are your 'friend' here or not, it is your choice whether and how to respond to anyone here.

In my own defense, (if indeed this topic is directed at myself), I have made REAL friends of a married couple from this site, we frequently communicate via means outside this forum (skype, or telephone). We have also made arrangements for all three of us to REALLY meet the next time both spouses and myself are available to do so. I choose not to reveal either of their identities, leaving that up to them if they should choose to do so.

Further, (again if this one is directed at myself) feel free to checkout my hugbook. You will not find an unkind word there to anyone, male or female.

- KK

I would add them & if they prove you right then just report & block them.

With all due respect to the last two posters -- I do not see anything wrong with choosing not to accept a friend request from someone you do not know, regardless of reason. Not everyone comes to this site with the desire to make "friends". Some prefer simply to post and/or read on the public forums and eschew private communication altogether. Nothing wrong with that if that's their choice! Some people may be happy with their social life outside of DS and may not want to use DS as a social vehicle. Or they may just have a personal preference to avoid private chats with strangers -- whether because of fear of "perverts", struggles with internet addiction, simple privacy, or a million other reasons. Others may wish to share their journals, etc. with only a few close "friends" and thus may not feel comfortable allowing this sort of access to every random "friend" who drops them a request.

@grenadine -- Stick to your guns. Say "yes" or "no" to a friend request based on what YOU want -- not on what anyone else thinks you should or shouldn't do. Whether your above post was specifically in response to "KK" or not, don't let anyone bully you into taking an action that doesn't feel right to you... period.

@KK -- I have no desire to start a protracted argument with you (and even if I did, this is not the forum to do it). I will say that I did attempt to check out your hugbook as you suggested, and couldn't do so because your profile is private. I found that a little interesting given your other comments. But even if the original post was "directed" at you... so what? Isn't it always helpful to hear how others perceive our behavior, especially when it's in ways that we might not anticipate? Rather than fault grenadine for posting this (assuming it even did have anything to do with you) I might suggest using it as an opportunity to look in the mirror and learn something about how your actions may come across to others. I'm not saying stop sending friend requests to every random stranger if that is your choice. But if grenadine wants to tell you her perspective... respect it for what it is. Chances are, if she does perceive it in that way, that she's not the only one. Rather than assuming that you are in the right and all of them are in the wrong (which I know you didn't say, but it came strongly across to me that way in the tone of what you wrote), maybe just recognize that it is their perception, and decide whether you might want to do anything differently to help them perceive you differently. (Or maybe you don't, and that's entirely *your* choice.)

hmmm....well...

kk, why would you think this is about you?

One of the hazards of these kinds of posts is that someone thinks it's aimed at them.

Believe me, being a sex pest is a very popular past time for a minority of guys. I say a minority though they make up for their small numbers by being prolific