I stopped taking my meds about 3 weeks ago now. Cold turkey. All of them. Had some grand plan to tour Eastern Europe. Live in Prague.

Anyhow I got as far as London. Became increasing disorientated and confused. Lost hours. And didn't have passport. Long story short the police put me on a coach home, with the proviso the crisis team met me at the other end. Which they didn't. I was stuck in a coach station at 3.30am, over an hour from home. I am going to pursue this legally when better.

I ended up in A&E the following day as I kept falling over. Plus I was super confused still. Thankfully it was one of my GPs on call. The crisis team came to give me a lift home. GP said no way. No local beds so it would have to be the city. No way in hell was I going inpatient.

Then I went into respiratory collapse. This was really bizarre, lasting only about 15 mins. I had a psych nurse with me during this time. Next thing I know is I'm surrounded by security and psychiatrists. Put on a 28 day section. I have no idea what I did. Anyhow, I had to wait 5 hours for transport to the city to the ward which had a bed. I'd gone there at 11am Saturday, after being in London the whole previous day. By the time I was checked in at the hospital, it had gone 5am.

They kept me there 9 days, discharged me Monday. I am literally black and blue from being restrained. Thrown to the floor twice. Forcibly injected. I have never been so out of control before.

Anyhow, only just today admitted I need medication. I wouldn't even know where to begin in trying to explain my current mood. I'm I'm a lot of anguish, and this is my last chance. Its going to be horrible for a while. At least the shrink called me about resuming meds, but I had to recind the written statement I had given them, about me not having bipolar, lol. I don't believe I have it, but I feel I do need some form of medication. 

But meds not as was. Trying 400mg seroquel instead of the usual 800mg. It doesn't sedate me, but the shrink says it will. Not a chance at half the dose. Back to the lamictal, but titrating up. No buspar as that can apparently rev up agitation. No zopiclone as seroquel will knock me out. ERM no, not sure what's gonna happen there. No ativan which is going to crucify me, and definitely no antidepressants. If I'm lucky I'll be back on my feet I'm a few weeks time. God knows if not.

I have never been so out of it and volatile before. This is what really scares me. How can you be sitting calmly one minute, the next 5 or 6 people restraining you. What the hell happened in between????