I know how you feel. I have felt that way, too. Living can be an exhausting exercise in going through the motions, lifelessly, soullessly. Why bother? And yet, no amount of will seems to make your heart stop beating. So, you go with the alternative: living.

So, the question is NOT do you have the guts to die, but do you have the guts to live? I mean really commit yourself to getting better, doing the work involved (whatever that is,) and making your life worthwhile, since you're stuck here anyway.

"do you have the guts to live?"
well said

Well, if you really wish you were dead and if there's nothing out there that can make you reasonably happy, then I'm right with for what you want.
But you'd have to explore every possible remedy available first!!!
I'm so sorry for what you're feeling. I feel that way at times, but not ALL the time. That must be truly horrible!!!
Please persist in getting help. Maybe something will work this time. You might have a whole new wonderful life ahead of you!!! (((((Hugs)))))

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I do understand. I go through the same thoughts so many times. Life is a chore for me most of the time even from small things. I've often thought about why I don't just get the guts to take my life. It was easier in my 20's to try! For me, I have a daughter and that's who I live for. She is a teenager and doesn't care much for me these days, but my love is unconditional. Is there someone in your life you'd want to live for?

There is no one in my life that I want to live for. If there were I could see how that would change things.

I have done some really gutsy things in the past to try to make a life worth living. And the weight of the failures is what causes me much of my pain. I am forced to live with the memories.

I know you don't mean that it takes any guts to keep breathing. You mean do I have the guts to continue to try new things until my last breath. And the answer is - No. I don't. I have lost all desire to try anything else. If you only knew the incredible scope of things I have tried. I feel like I have lived 50 lifetimes in just this one.

I appreciate being able to vent this pain and be heard - for that I say thank you to all.

I'm so sorry that you feel that you are at the end of your rope. It sounds like an awful place to be. (((((Hugs)))))

Im sorry you feel this way alll the time. That must be exhausting!!! I do understand where you're coming from tho.

You said that's there's no one in your life you want to live for. Does that mean you have no family or friends?

Sure hope you feel better. What meds are you on?

No family, no friends. Been on three different med combos in the past three months, feels like a looney merry go round. Right now I take Geodon, Wellbutrin and Vistaril. If only my life could be fixed by a pill bottle.....

Sorry to hear you have no family or friend's. You can add me to your friend's list.

I know it's not the same as having friend's in the "real" world, but, I guess friend's on here can be important too.

Finding the right med combo is sooo very frustrating!!

Being on the loony merry go round is horrible, been there sooo many times myself.

I do know how hard it is to stay motivated to live. Especially when you're so, SO tired of fighting all the time. It feels like you're moving through semi-firm jell-o all the time. I so get it. But still, here you are. Death seems to require more than not wanting to live. Suicide seems to require more than wanting to die.I have Been. There.

Here are my DX, and some of the major traumas I've survived, going back about 30 years (and I'm only 42:)

abusive/neglectful childhood, alcoholic and absent parents
raped at 14
fibromyalgia
erosive osteoarthropathy (an osteo-arthritis/chronic pain condition)
asthma
breast cancer
bilateral mastectomy
failed reconstruction x2
cardiomyopathy (from chemotherapy)
damaged thyroid (from radiation)
unspecified bleeding disorder
bp2 (major depressive episodes as the dominant)
ptsd
reconstructive surgery that resulted in a week stay in ICU, with (get this!) leech therapy. (leeches applied 3 at a time, around the clock, every hour for 6 1/2 days.. so much more awful than I can describe here.

My son has a rare bone disease which has no treatment other than surgery. I have no idea how many he's had, we stopped counting when he was about 10 & had had about 20 surgeries.

Plus, so many of my friends have died from breast cancer, two dear friends within two weeks of each other last summer. My father in law died in October.

And yet, the heart, though broken, still beats. What else can I do but get back up and keep trying? Sometimes I do NOT want to. I fantasize about the yellow lines in traffic. I try to figure out which pills would look like an accidental OD. But so far I haven't been able to do it. So, there's only one option left: to live. I've committed myself to that pursuit, as I seem to suck at the alternative.

i am really sorry that you feel this way.

Truth be told I know how it feels to be somewhere in that scope - although I will spare you the arrogance of saying I know how you are feeling exactly.

All I can really say is that i truly hope and pray that you will, in your own way, find peace and that I hope that somehow includes you living because you seem like a cool person to talk to.

You said in the past 3 months youve been on a wide range of medicines - do you mean you kept having side affects and needed to change them or they werent affective? With my current meds I really had to wait for them to kick in.

I have been on Geodon and trying to find an anti-depressant that works with it, Remeron was horrible, Zoloft was ineffective and now I'm taking Wellbutrin which increases my mania, and not in a good way.

But I know my life can't be fixed by pills. Even if the pills made me calm and "happy" my life would still be empty and void of meaning. What I need doesn't come in a pill bottle.

As morbid as this sounds, there's ways for you to be able to euthanize yourself. Sure they're probably not legal but they work easily and effectively.

I know how you feel though. It just doesn't seem worth carrying on most of the time.

i can say from experience i have felt that way, for seven years as a matter of fact with an failed attempt. i still have a plan in case everything goes south. i am currently on 3 mood stabilizers. 2 for the depression, eskalith er and lamictal and topamax for migraines and it is keeping me in check. i am also on cymbalta for depression and that has worked wonders for me, i have been on SSRIs in the past and they were the devil, SNRIs are the only thing that work for me.

i am so sorry you have no family or friends. the only thing that keep me going is my daughter, husband and grandson. my daughter still has residual feelings against me 3 years after my attempt and is in therapy to work it out.

know you are not alone.

I hear you heretic, I also, like Jameison was in this state 24/7 for years. And it was in part "the solution" that was part of the problem. SSRI's nearly deep sixed me and all the client files I have seen now show explicitly that the sicker I got the more SSRI's I was given. And I was already very ill mentally before that fuck up started. BIG PHARMA plus certain psychiatrists equals disaster.

I made a 100% serious attempt 3 years ago and I nearly did die. And I can tell you it wasn't about trying to get attention, a call for help or convincing people of how sick I was. (I wonder if those euphemisms get bandied about because people don't want to face the fact that we really want to exit). I was making the final exit. But like so often happens, my cunning plan had a fault and I was saved through a coma and many medical interventions.

As it turns out, a confluence of events, primarily finding the best psychiatrist I have ever had - CLEARLY not subject to the "unholy alliance" between BIG PHARMA and psychiatry, took me off SSRI's, eventually put me on Lamictal as part of my meds mixed and amazingly, here I am three years later. And I have improved. I would be dead but for him.

I must say that I object to the statements about people having the guts to go on or not. That screams to me a denial that mental illnesses are real illnesses with real effects. I'm actually quite offended by it. And while I have compassion for the lady who listed her terrible illnesses, each person is different.

I for one had no family or friends left by the time I made the attempt. They didnlt understand my illnesses and didn't want to learn - which I would have facilliated had they wanted to.

heretic spoke of having no-one to feel would be a loss. I felt exactly that way. The only "person" I regretted losing as I took the act was my cat, who is still with me now.

I am absolutely certain that peopple who have children, family, friends, other relatives in their lives feel more "connected" to the Earth and are less likely to take the act. Of course there are some who do, but I do believe loving and being loved is a powerful motivator for people to stay alive - and that relates to all serious illnesses too.

I guess I'd like to ask people to take the judgement out of this dialogue. It is destructive rather than constructive.

And heretic, I can't give you answers but I want you to know 100% that you are not alone in what you are experiencing and I respect your journey.