Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
Talking about suicide gets old and boring, many people do it as a way to get the attention they need, or so that other people can get an idea of the depth of the pain they are in. Still other people talk about suicide simply because they think about it alot. No matter what the reason, I know it makes people uncomfortable hearing about it.
But I think about it all the time. A large part of my day is spent thinking about how I could get up the guts to end my life. I am not particularly depressed right now, not compared to many times in the past, but I seriously hate living. I mean I HATE it. And I really really want to stop doing it. But I am afraid to take the final step. So I live in a kind of limbo, knowing I will die eventually (as we all will) yet unable to spare myself these last few years of pain.
I wish there was a humane place that people with severe mental illness could go to end their lives in a peaceful manner. Euthanasia should not be reserved for only those who have a physical illness - they are going to die anyway. It is done for them simply to spare them the pain of living what ever time is left to them. I want to be spared the pain of what ever time is left for me too! But because it is my mind instead of my body that is ill, I am told it could "get better". I don't want to die because I am mentally ill. I want to die because my life is unbearably painful.
The pain doesn't make me cry anymore, the meds dried up my tear ducts. I do feel like vomiting from the pain tho, but I never do. The pain just sits inside me working it's magic, torturing me with every breath I take. I know I am the only one who has the power to set me free of this existance. I just wish I had the guts.
But I think about it all the time. A large part of my day is spent thinking about how I could get up the guts to end my life. I am not particularly depressed right now, not compared to many times in the past, but I seriously hate living. I mean I HATE it. And I really really want to stop doing it. But I am afraid to take the final step. So I live in a kind of limbo, knowing I will die eventually (as we all will) yet unable to spare myself these last few years of pain.
I wish there was a humane place that people with severe mental illness could go to end their lives in a peaceful manner. Euthanasia should not be reserved for only those who have a physical illness - they are going to die anyway. It is done for them simply to spare them the pain of living what ever time is left to them. I want to be spared the pain of what ever time is left for me too! But because it is my mind instead of my body that is ill, I am told it could "get better". I don't want to die because I am mentally ill. I want to die because my life is unbearably painful.
The pain doesn't make me cry anymore, the meds dried up my tear ducts. I do feel like vomiting from the pain tho, but I never do. The pain just sits inside me working it's magic, torturing me with every breath I take. I know I am the only one who has the power to set me free of this existance. I just wish I had the guts.
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I find myself going places in the car and not wanting to get out of the car. I come back home and I don't want to get out of the car. I think it's the only time I spend reflecting. Chronic tiredness from Long Covid plus the immunosupressing meds for my Crohn's is slowing me down but everything just seems a massive effort. I am dealing with the paperwork following my father's death but it's not...
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Wow, it's the middle of the week already!Today is our 11 year anniversary, so we're going out to a nice dinner. I'm losing a lot of sleep these days, hence a wonky schedule and uncomfortable feelings. But I know it will pass, eventually.I hope all of you have a peaceful day, and may good things come your way!
bbipolar - I have tried many different meds and the ones I am on now seem to work best. I did have an increase in dosage of my current anti-depressant several weeks ago and it seems to be working fine. I am calm and my thinking is lucid. However - the reason I wish to end my life has not changed. I will never find the love and support I need in a pill bottle. And 50 years of going without is long enough. Like the song says, you gotta know when to fold the hand you're dealt....
I remember many years ago visiting a friend in hospital who had made a suicide attempt. Everyone was telling her she was a coward. I said I thought she was brave - actually trying to kill yourself and face the finality of death and the unknown of what comes after - I think that takes bravery and not cowardice.
Cowards are people like me who sometimes want to die and lie there wishing they were brave enough to actually DO something about it.
And as for the people who would be upset by my death - well where were they with the support I needed to keep living? Nowhere, that's where.
I do believe that if people wish to talk about killing themselves, then we do need to support that part of themselves that wants to cling to life, but if they have nothing to live for, as heretic, you say you don't, then we should acknowledge their decision and support their choice.
Heretic, I hear you say that you would be happy to live if you could be free of the emotional pain of the current depression and the traumatic memories of your past, and if you could live with someone who loves and cares for you.
I do understand why you say that life without these things is not worth living, and whilst it might be possible for meds to take away the pain of depression at some time in the future, living a life without love is not worth while to you.
I do so wish I could wave a magic wand and send a loving caring person to you, I really do. But alas.
I do respect and understand your decision. I wish it were different, I will miss you if you go, and I feel sad for the life full of pain that you endured and the hopelessness and loneliness that you feel.
I just wish that the time you have left with us could be as pain free as possible.