Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
Talking about suicide gets old and boring, many people do it as a way to get the attention they need, or so that other people can get an idea of the depth of the pain they are in. Still other people talk about suicide simply because they think about it alot. No matter what the reason, I know it makes people uncomfortable hearing about it.
But I think about it all the time. A large part of my day is spent thinking about how I could get up the guts to end my life. I am not particularly depressed right now, not compared to many times in the past, but I seriously hate living. I mean I HATE it. And I really really want to stop doing it. But I am afraid to take the final step. So I live in a kind of limbo, knowing I will die eventually (as we all will) yet unable to spare myself these last few years of pain.
I wish there was a humane place that people with severe mental illness could go to end their lives in a peaceful manner. Euthanasia should not be reserved for only those who have a physical illness - they are going to die anyway. It is done for them simply to spare them the pain of living what ever time is left to them. I want to be spared the pain of what ever time is left for me too! But because it is my mind instead of my body that is ill, I am told it could "get better". I don't want to die because I am mentally ill. I want to die because my life is unbearably painful.
The pain doesn't make me cry anymore, the meds dried up my tear ducts. I do feel like vomiting from the pain tho, but I never do. The pain just sits inside me working it's magic, torturing me with every breath I take. I know I am the only one who has the power to set me free of this existance. I just wish I had the guts.
But I think about it all the time. A large part of my day is spent thinking about how I could get up the guts to end my life. I am not particularly depressed right now, not compared to many times in the past, but I seriously hate living. I mean I HATE it. And I really really want to stop doing it. But I am afraid to take the final step. So I live in a kind of limbo, knowing I will die eventually (as we all will) yet unable to spare myself these last few years of pain.
I wish there was a humane place that people with severe mental illness could go to end their lives in a peaceful manner. Euthanasia should not be reserved for only those who have a physical illness - they are going to die anyway. It is done for them simply to spare them the pain of living what ever time is left to them. I want to be spared the pain of what ever time is left for me too! But because it is my mind instead of my body that is ill, I am told it could "get better". I don't want to die because I am mentally ill. I want to die because my life is unbearably painful.
The pain doesn't make me cry anymore, the meds dried up my tear ducts. I do feel like vomiting from the pain tho, but I never do. The pain just sits inside me working it's magic, torturing me with every breath I take. I know I am the only one who has the power to set me free of this existance. I just wish I had the guts.
I have been doing research, reading books by top euthanasia experts from other countries where it is humanely practiced. I feel I have found a foolproof method. It has been used successfully by thousands.
I honestly feel more calm about it with each passing day, I don't want to cross over in anger or with excessive emotional pain. So I am trying to come to terms with how my life has worked out so that I can die a truly peaceful death, which is what everyone hopes for in the end.
Every persons situation is unique, and I am lucky that there is no one in my life that will be harmed by my action. No one but my apt manager and the police/coroner will even know it happened. This is something I have wanted to do for many decades, but kept holding back in the hope that things would get better. But each passing year things got worse. I believe in the right to choose our own time of death. And I am going to exercise that right.
I'm kinda thinking now tho that I should not have started this post. I didn't realize there would be so many people who would openly discourage me. I guess I was rather naive in expecting more understanding and support. But I guess I can try to overlook it by remembering no one has walked in my shoes and I can't expect them to have the understanding they would have if they had experienced being me.
However, doesn't everyone notice a pattern in this thread? And I don't mean this judgementally either way, but the people who have solid friends and family who have stuck by them are the ones most likely no have no thoughts, or second thoughts, or strong thoughts against, the prospect of suicide. I believe it is simply a scientific fact that people who have strong social support networks are likely to have better mental health in the first place, and a much lower likelihood of morbidity. I am certain the science and the stats would bear that out.
Ironically for me, as an AA member NOT KNOWING ANSWERS can be the best place to be, as it means I don't have a closed mind that's snapped shut with what I think is right and I am teachable. And even at my lowest ebb I can be teachable.
My various posts may sound contradictory to each other but that's OK, I often have contradictory thoughts in my head!! lol It's just me trying to make sense of things.