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Daughter Doesn't Understand

BipolarPrincess
BipolarPrincess
The daughter and I had a really great time swimming last night.
I took her to spend quality time with just her and nobody else.
Well I set it up so that I can take her again and she wants to bring the step daughter along. I told her and the step daughter no. That I just want to spend the time with just her. But she doesn't understand. Apparantly she must not have had a nice time swimming with just me like I thought. Why does my daughter have to be so difficult. She said if I don't let the step daughter come with us then she's not going to want to go swimming next week. She just doesn't understand. I don't want to have to worry about making dinner for two kids. I just want to worry about one. I want more than anything just to spend some quality time with her and her only......WHY ME? Good Lord. Why can't she just understand? What should I do????
deleted_user
deleted_user
I dont mean to sound judgemental, but if your daughter wants to spend time with her stepsister *and* you then you should probably go along with that. It isn't really fair to give the one child time that you don't give to the other child. Mabye your daughter is sensitive to this fact?
deleted_user
deleted_user
By the way - what do you mean by 'why me'? You did know your husband had a little girl when you got with him, right?
BipolarPrincess
BipolarPrincess
Yes...but this is my mother and daughter time. This is not mother and daughter and step daughter time......
Shelly4
Shelly4
Princess, it isnt always just about you!!!! Kids that age like to have someone else their age to play with..........lets face it, mommy time is serious time and they dont always want that. It isnt fun to go swimming with just your mom and that isnt a personal insult.

What you should do is act like the adult here and tell her you would like some one on one time with just her. Ask her what SHE would like to do with just you. I dont see anything wrong with her step sister going if the only set back is dinner. Pick up McDonalds or cook an extra chicken leg. No big deal.

Dont always take it as a personal failure, this is how kids are. One on one time is important and I admire you for arranging that. Forcing her to do it will only make her resent it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It don't work like that.
deleted_user
deleted_user
having been a step daughter, I feel bad for her.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yeah, I have a female friend who couldn't cope living with her stepmother because she would allocate special time to be with her biological child. She was very sensitive about it.
Shelly4
Shelly4
Princess, do you have special one on one time with your step daughter too?

My guess is, that this is only about the fact that your daughter wants someone with her to play with. I am sure the step daughter feels bad but understands if you are spending one on one time with her too.

I used to always spend one on one time with all four of my boys. I was our special time to talk and be together. But the others always knew they would have a turn.

This is about your daughter, correct? About her feelings? Her needs? What you can do to be a good mom to her?
BipolarPrincess
BipolarPrincess
I do take bike rides with the step daughter every once in a while but she doesn't like it.....I dunno her dad forced her to do it once with me and I guess my step daughter doesn't like one on one time with just me. I can't change that fact. She likes other kids to be around. She is not a self starter never was.....she gets bored way too easy on the other hand my daughter never really had any other kids to really play play with when she was really little so she is a self starter.....she could keep occupied with just me and her....but the step daughter can't and there's nothing I can do to change that.....
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your stepdaughter likes other kids to be around? But it's your daughter who wants your stepdaughter to be around during swimming?
You can't force kids to enjoy themselves. You can't force them apart, either, just because you want special time. They'll resent you.
BipolarPrincess
BipolarPrincess
The only reason why my daughter wants the step daughter around is because the step daughter got jealous because I want to spend time with just my daughter. The step daughter doesn't want time with just me so I don't understand why she has to be so jealous.....The step daughter's mom doesn't do fun things with just her and she's jealous because I do fun things with my daughter......now do you understand.....I can't change what her mom doesn't do with her. But I still want just mother and daughter time.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No, I don't understand. If her mother doesn't do fun things with her, then surely it would be rather nice of you to do fun things, the three of you together.
Kids are sensitive, and complex, and this situation seems to be about what *you* want, not about what the kids want. So no, I don't understand, because selflessness is kind of important when you have stepchildren, as is sensitivity to the nature of children, and their needs. Mother and daughter time is all very well, but you can't change what your own daughter *wants*.

Thing is - my friend didn't want to spend time with her stepmother either. But just knowing that their was segregated time for the biological child was enough to give her ego a kicking. Because you're aware that you're less important. That's how children work.
Shelly4
Shelly4
What if you sit down and talk to both of them and plan a day with each of them and then another day with both of them? Maybe they would understand if you actually talked to them together.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Listen to Shelly. That's good advice.
Unwell
Unwell
i agree with Shelly. ya just gotta do what'cha gotta do. ya know?
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