Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.

8,884 Members
129,558 Posts
0 Online
Mental Health
/ Bipolar Disorder Support Group

appointment

autumn8890
autumn8890

Saw the pdoc yesterday and he wants me inpatient. I told him I didn't want to miss the holidays because of my grandchildren. He increased two of my medications and told me if I am not better in 4-5 days he will admit me. He also put me in light therapy. I have to buy a therapy light box to sit in front of for 2 hours each day. I had never heard of this but it is for seasonal affective disorder. I found one for 58 dollars. New ones are around 200. That is just crazy. I feel so empty and alone. I can't really talk about the depression with anyone. My husband knows I am not well but when he asks I just tell him I am fine and change the subject. No idea why I don't open up to him. I guess it makes me feel vulnerable and dependent and I don't want to be that way. I am supposed to be strong, a leader, responsible, all those things. To need help makes me feel useless. Part of my mind knows that getting help is the right thing to do but a larger part of my mind says it shows weakness. Everyone depends on me and I feel that if I go inpatient for two weeks everything will fall apart and be a total mess when I get home. I have no faith in anyone. No idea where that comes from. My pdoc has been on this journey with me since 2003 and he knows if I don't catch it pretty early and get treatment such as medications changes or ECT then I will end up hurting myself or become suicidal. So, if I am going to be adult here I know I need to go inpatient and fix this mess in my head regardless of everyone else and their problems while I am going. That doesn't make it any easier. I just feel like my life is worthless, my attempts to better myself are for nothing because I will always be nothing. No amount of education can fill the void in my heart and mind. If I do graduate what good will it do me if I can't stay stable enough to go back to work. Makes me want to give up. Well, thanks for reading I just needed to vent. I need help but want it and don't want it at the same time. Hoping the next 4-5 days I improve or Ill be in the hospital for a while. If you were in my position would you go or ride it out in hopes of improvement? 

autumn8890
autumn8890
The urges to cut of take enough pills to just go to sleep forever are strong.
arfie
arfie
I would trust my pdoc. It is the sort of trained opinion I pay him/her for.

Gentlest of support, whichever way you decide to take it, autumn.
Community Leaderacuriousfish
acuriousfish
Light boxes come with a warning for bipolar sufferers apparently. I've no idea if they are simply playing safe or they have found it triggers mania.
iwontbackdown1
iwontbackdown1
You said you've been w/pdoc since 2003 so you trust him, right? I can't give you advice on being admitted. Would I go? Hmmm, I think I would; you can always leave can't you? Need to talk more with your pdoc ~ go for it?! At least you would have given it a shot. He can't fault you for that...you may just be glad you did. Update, okay? XOXO
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Huge hug for you sweetie.... My pdoc wants me to get a SAD light as well and I will after Christmas.... I am so sorry you're struggling .... This is a difficult time for so many people
The things that you are telling yourself are part of depression so when you are listening to your mind remember that right now you aren't well however you are being treated and you will be well again... Whether you are in the hospital or at home being healed and finding stability again is a gift you need to give yourself Autumn... I think you are a wonderful, giving and kind person and you will be stable again... Another hug and a blessing....xo
sweetguy123
sweetguy123
BIg hug for you, hang in there ,, give yourself the chance to heal, suffering is the initial part of healing without the hard side of it there is no moving to the next step of light towards healing
dobiedots
dobiedots
Yes, a light box can cause mania. I can only use mine for 20 minutes every few days. Two hours is beyond dangerous. I'd recheck with pdoc....no way can anyone handle 2 hours a day. Very dangerous.
polarbare
polarbare
If it were me, I would trust pdoc and follow his recommendation . Releasing control to your husband and trust him to take care of everything while your gone would be best .. Your mental health is important and self care is important ... Do it for yourself and your family

((Hugs)) polar
MoobbusT
MoobbusT
I'd go based on my intuition. tc autumn.
MayB
MayB
Sounds like your pdoc knows your pattern and that is worth something...sorry to hear you are going through this right now Autumn...I have found a SAD light helpful in the winter....((((hugs)))) none of this is easy.
autumn8890
autumn8890
Thanks everyone. I woke up this morning hoping for a miracle but no, still in the hole. You are right my pdoc has been with me since 2001 and knows me better than I know myself. Planning to pack a bag and head to the ER to get admitted even though I hate being in there more than anything. I hope everyone does well and I will be looking forward to coming home and posting a more positive update.
beckyp
beckyp
Glad you were able to make the decision to go. I would trust my pdoc too. Good luck.
souls2bone
souls2bone
Please don't ever feel alone and worthless. By reading your post you have shown strength and inspiration. We are here for. I understand what you're going thru. Guess you can say we're like a scared, injuries pup. I don't like show my vulnerability and felt I could never trust or rely on anyone. But once we take that baby step - life is better. Funny how I can see the beauty, love, strength and how very special you. Hope one day, you can see it too. Best of luck. We got you!!
JWT488
JWT488
OF course I will be right here anytime you need me. And believe you me Ive been though everything almost. I too feel worthless that is my maine thing really. But sometimes you have to bite the bullet and let someone take the strings from you. There is NO such thing as a 2 day tx. You might better try a new doctor theres plenty of them out there believe you me. Theyre almost at every corner here and they just passed high grade cannabus. You wouldnt believe how much difference just that one thing will help us. You sound like a perfect canadate. :-)
JWT488
JWT488
And if you need insurance and money start your disability papers it takes 2 years to actually get them. Dont let yourself get sicker just because you cant pay your medical bills. Please get it started.
This post has been closed to new comments.
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • Community LeaderSunCloudJD

    Good Weekend to ya!!

    Posted by: SunCloudJD
    Last Reply: gr8ful1
    4
    The weeks seem to fly by!Happy Saturday to everyoneI hope that the weekend brings some chill time and barbecuesDoes it take others what seems like forever to add a comment on the boards?I'm okay everywhere else except boards..Everywhere else adds normally but it's annoyingly slow!Have a great Saturday and do something nice for you!!Big hug...xo
  • china70

    Feeling down

    Posted by: china70
    Last Reply: GreenEyes727
    4
    I'm feeling down,, and got alot on my mind right now.  I got grief going on, on top my depression and anxiety and now I got to worry about somewhere to live since I can't afford living here since my mom passed.  So many bad things have happened since my mom passed.  One thing after another it seems.  Yesterday our fence fell from a storm that hit, had to call someone to prop it up.  Thank...